I am so sick of putting up with being treated like shit

I am being treated like complete shit and I am sick of it. I live with my mom, and I'm 22 years old, have no other family to go to, friends are a joke, and stupid welfaare will not support me enough to get a place on my own, not even a room in a boarding house, because I'm living with family. I am trying to save up enough money so that I can actually leave, because I am sick of being told each day how I am nothing but a burden.

It's like my "payment" for living with her is constantly being verbally abused. She drinks, and rarely apologoizes when she tells me I'm nothing but a burden, I bring nothing but misery to her life, etc. I have been keeping a journal dating the days which she says something like that to me and writing whether she apologizes or not. I would not record if she just got mad at me, but if she said things like I am a burden, then I would.

I put the journal in a drawer in my room where I have other things, like coupons and things that she would not like. I did not think she would go looking through my drawer but she has been. She found the journal one day while I was out of the house, and then confronted me about it, and when I said what she should apologize for she said she doesn't need to apologize for any of it since she has every right to say that! If I was upset with someone and said that they were nothing but a burden and only brought misery to my life, I would apologize, but maybe that's just me. Maybe it's normal to not apologize for saying those things, I don't kow.

 

I'm sorry that your mom has been abusive to you, Lynn. With that and moving out in mind, what are your goals and plans going forward, beyond welfare? Are you attending school or looking for a job of any kind? I know it's tough, one of my boys who is 23 is working two jobs at the moment to support himself. I still have to bail him a little on occasion (such as if he needs a car repair or something), but he's doing pretty good all things considered. I hope you are able to execute your plans and move forward into a better situation soon.

 

No honey, it is not normal and I (in my opinion) it seems like it is your mom is the one who should be seeking help for telling you these things....... I am sorry that you have to live with her in such a situation, but there are some things you can do to help yourself and become more mature emotionally than she is. The concept of "push-backs" - where you reply in a gentle tone of voice to her insults - will give her something to think about which might help her at a deeper level than she currently operates in.

A "push-back" is an empowering question or statement, spoken like you are expecting to hear an answer from her..... but at the same time, it will (hopefully) show her the folly - if not cruelty - of her words.

Some examples:
"Well, that is your proposition/opinion - now I'd like for you to hear mine"
"We'll need to negotiate on that one a little further I think, because at present I cannot agree with you"
"Is that comment really about me, or is it actually saying more about you?"
"There's actually a protocol about being a mom that mothers should be aware about, perhaps we could discover it together?"

-----------------------------------

Etc...... she might think you're being sassy or "talking back" - but you have an ABSOLUTE RIGHT for your mother to not abuse you verbally honey........ if she carries on, try saying "Mom, what is going to come of us as a family - or what do you think is likely to happen to our relationship - if you continue to talk to me like this?"

Wishing you all the best with this - you have right on your side, despite her having a mother's assumptions that she hasn't really understood are detrimental for you. inkrose:

 

Thanks, but I tried that, niocely, and she just got snarkier even though I said it nicely and in a nice tone. I am currently i college doing Office Administration, I plan on working in records management. I can't wait to finish and get a job, I know things are not always easy but when I get a job I want it to be on the other end of the province, I don't want to be near the city at all because of all the bad experiences I have had. The only words I can think of when the word "city" comes to mind is "an asshole's heaven." I'm sure not all cities are like that, but the ones I have been in(which are close to one another, only a five minute drive away from one or the other)definitley fit the category of an asshole's heaven.

 

Also consider getting a pro bono intern position so that you have a connection when you are ready to work...see what is available and volunteer to make the connections you will need...and yes, getting away from her is a very good idea

 

I will....right now though due to other personal issues I don't think I will be able to get any volunteer jobs or employment period. Long story....

 

LynnD,

This seems like a difficult situation. Welfare doesn't take this into consideration when assessing your situation?

It is really good that you are able to tell your mom that it is important for her to apologize. I face some pressure from my parents but I am not sure I would be able to do it. It is great that you are able to.

I am also stuck at home due to some personal issues. It is not great. I have a drawer that I put so many personal things in it. Frankly, I don't even want to imagine what would happen to me if anyone saw it. It has a couple of personal journals, some correspondences. I keep a lock on it.

Keep journaling and find a drawer with a key.

 

I put the track of when she apologizes on looseleaf and hide the sheets in one DVD case. I have 87 DVDs and I have it in one she would never look in...I'm pretty creative when it comes to hiding things. She won't listen to me telling her that it is important, she argues that she has a right to say what she says, yet if I said what she says, I would be expected to apologize and told that my rational for saying what I said is not right. And she would bitch if I put a key on a drawer, I can't have privacy...I don't know why and she won't answer that question either...Oh well...

 

Parents can be really unreasonable sometimes. At home my parents arn't happy when I close the door of my room. They feel that we have to have all our doors open. I am sure you can find a secret place to hide your journal.

Good luck.