I think about all the times i tried to get help, pouring out every awful detail of my childhood and my marriage to complete strangers ,with the naive hope that they would help. STUPID me. They sit there in there comfy little offices with there fing degrees hanging on the walls. Pictures of there happy little lives staring back at you from there desk. Nice three piece suits, pretty little dresses. What ever made me think these people would help me i will never know. Well after all was said and done i am worse than i was before i spilled my guts. You can only purge your soul so many times. It is like when you have the stomach flu and start throwing up. After so many times you can not throw up anymore, because there is nothing left in your stomach. There is nothing left of me. Today i was thinking about an appointment the disability office is setting up for me with a Shrink. I was writhing down things i felt i needed to tell them. All the different labels i have been given. Fun stuff that happen when i was a kid. 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Well i come to the abuse stuff that has happened more recently, I could not write it down. Just thinking about it has left me shaking and not able to breath. My heart feels like it is going to explode into a million pieces. I have spent the last two hours trying everything i know to calm myself down. Nothing i do is helping. Pisses me off to because i applied for disability for a disease i was diagnosed with two years ago. Basically have been given an early death sentence on top of the one i have imposed on myself now. So my life is already an fing mess as it is and i get told its going to get a whole lot harder as the years go on. WTF !! Being the amazing fing person i still was then, i excepted my diagnoses like a big girl and learned everything i could to make me healthier and to manage my symptoms. Meanwhile back at the ranch husband is not only unhappy his little wife is sick and not up to par but he is not amused when he sees her getting stronger and finally feeling better after the doctors screwed around for two years trying to figure out what was wrong with her. You might ask why he did not like to see me getting stronger after he bitched and complained about having to make his own dinner and wash some clothes. It is because he knew i was now strong enough to try to leave him again. So he comes up with a little medicine of his own to give his little sick wife. Cranks up the b.s. little by little bit by bit until i cant take it no more. I reach out for help, purge. Again, again and again. Well i think hubby was getting a little worried i was going to keep trying until i found someone to help me. So he cranks up the b.s as high as it will go. AMAZING me dose not back down ,because well, now i am scared as shit. More calls, more purging. No help. Seven days in hospital for attempt. No help. Should have seen smirk on his face when he picked me up from the hosp.That was six months ago. He is quite happy with himself these days to say the least. Now he gets to have fun with no worries i will go for help again. I can not even write the stuff down anymore that he did with out feeling like i am going to die. There is no way i will be able to tell anyone again in person much less go to the hospital to get humiliated again. I have tried so hard to help myself and the thing is, no one believes me. I am just tired and dont want to do this anymore and i am so scared.