I am so tired :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pisces1, Feb 4, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    I think about all the times i tried to get help, pouring out every awful detail of my childhood and my marriage to complete strangers ,with the naive hope that they would help. STUPID me. They sit there in there comfy little offices with there fing degrees hanging on the walls. Pictures of there happy little lives staring back at you from there desk. Nice three piece suits, pretty little dresses. What ever made me think these people would help me i will never know. Well after all was said and done i am worse than i was before i spilled my guts. You can only purge your soul so many times. It is like when you have the stomach flu and start throwing up. After so many times you can not throw up anymore, because there is nothing left in your stomach. There is nothing left of me. Today i was thinking about an appointment the disability office is setting up for me with a Shrink. I was writhing down things i felt i needed to tell them. All the different labels i have been given. Fun stuff that happen when i was a kid. 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Well i come to the abuse stuff that has happened more recently, I could not write it down. Just thinking about it has left me shaking and not able to breath. My heart feels like it is going to explode into a million pieces. I have spent the last two hours trying everything i know to calm myself down. Nothing i do is helping. Pisses me off to because i applied for disability for a disease i was diagnosed with two years ago. Basically have been given an early death sentence on top of the one i have imposed on myself now. So my life is already an fing mess as it is and i get told its going to get a whole lot harder as the years go on. WTF !! Being the amazing fing person i still was then, i excepted my diagnoses like a big girl and learned everything i could to make me healthier and to manage my symptoms. Meanwhile back at the ranch husband is not only unhappy his little wife is sick and not up to par but he is not amused when he sees her getting stronger and finally feeling better after the doctors screwed around for two years trying to figure out what was wrong with her. You might ask why he did not like to see me getting stronger after he bitched and complained about having to make his own dinner and wash some clothes. It is because he knew i was now strong enough to try to leave him again. So he comes up with a little medicine of his own to give his little sick wife. Cranks up the b.s. little by little bit by bit until i cant take it no more. I reach out for help, purge. Again, again and again. Well i think hubby was getting a little worried i was going to keep trying until i found someone to help me. So he cranks up the b.s as high as it will go. AMAZING me dose not back down ,because well, now i am scared as shit. More calls, more purging. No help. Seven days in hospital for attempt. No help. Should have seen smirk on his face when he picked me up from the hosp.That was six months ago. He is quite happy with himself these days to say the least. Now he gets to have fun with no worries i will go for help again. I can not even write the stuff down anymore that he did with out feeling like i am going to die. There is no way i will be able to tell anyone again in person much less go to the hospital to get humiliated again. I have tried so hard to help myself and the thing is, no one believes me. I am just tired and dont want to do this anymore and i am so scared.
     
  2. DeadAlive

    DeadAlive Member

    I tried to reply but it didn't go through. Frustrating.
     
  3. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    No big deal as I did not expect anyone to reply or care. Next time I will just keep my thoughts to myself as I should have already learned to do by now. Thank you just the same.
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I believe you. I believe every thing that you have just said. I'm sorry no one else is paying attention to your concerns in daily life. Often times, coworkers / friends can't quite grasp the language we depressed folk speak. And I'm not surprised that they had this reaction: only because I've almost never personally experienced another. I wish your hospital stay was more beneficial to you and/or that you were able to prosper from it in some way. I have had both happen to me there - beautiful AND horrific! In any case I hope that you can find some one to talk to that you can trust. And maybe even go listen to some Sarah McLachlan (that always helps me!).:) -Peace.
     
  5. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Misterbgone.
    I have no friends, family or coworkers and the person I live with dose not allow me to speak freely. I do not talk to anyone for the most part as no one sees me as someone worth talking to. Dont really blame anyone as I know I am not right. Have spent my life without friends. I apologize for sharing my concerns about my daily life in a fourm were they obviously dont belong and I do very much regret doing so. Thank you very kindly for your response. I do very much appreciate it. Take care
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    This is my recommendation. If talking on here helps, continue to do so. If it does not, then don't. If you need a rest, fine... Come back if & when you can. Truthfully though, you shouldn't be saying you're sorry for doing what we're all doing around these parts. Articulating our pain. So please, don't feel badly because you've done no-thing wrong! Capisce? :)
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    As said we all post here to release some of the pain inside so it is good you are doing so as well. I believe your words and so will many here and i am sorry you are not being hear or believed in real life. when you get the strength back just get up and leave ok go to a womens shelter that will help keep you safe and get you the support you need to get away from your abuser. i know that takes courage and strength and i hope one day you can do this don't even pack much just go ok hugs
     
  8. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    MisterBGone~ Thank you so much. Listening to Sarah dose help as she has a very soothing voice. :)
    total eclipse~Thank you so much. I am trying so hard to get stronger, to take the steps I need to. I am just alone here where I live. I have no support whatsoever and no one to talk to. I am not able to leave the house for various reasons so getting any kind of help is impossible atm. I dont know how to do this by myself anymore and any energy I do have goes to just keeping myself safe. I am just not doing so well as I feel like I am slipping farther into a hole im afraid I wont be able to climb out of.

    Thank you to whoever removed the comment from " Ball " . Logicaly I know what that person wrote was wrong but it was painful to read.
    I AM NOT A VICTIM.. I have surived alot of abuse and hardships in my life without the help of anyone. It is not my fault I am sick on top of what is going on atm. I am just very tired and truly do not want to be here anymore.
     
  9. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm so sorry that jerk upset you. Don't ever listen to anyone who tries to put you down, especially without knowing the whole situation. I hope you do keep opening up here, because people do care about you here. I understand that your situation is difficult and that it's hard to cope with things. But I think you are a really strong person for dealing with so much in your life. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have much support and that people don't seem to listen. It may not be the same as talking to someone in person, but we're always here for you when you need to talk or just let things out.
     
  10. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    pisces1: what are you favorite Sarah songs? Mine include - building a mystery, sweet surrender, adia, fallen, world is on fire, answer, u want me 2 & I will remember you.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Just saying I'm here too. :hug:
     
  12. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Thank you sincerely for your very warm and kind words.
     
  13. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member



    :hug: Thank you so much.
     
  14. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    I like the ones you have listed but my fav is Angel
    Just want to also thank you for all your kind words. :D Btw. Your dancing avatar makes me smile every time i see it on here.
     
  15. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Doing a little better today though i still cannot get theses thoughts of wanting to die to go away. My mind has been going full throttle since i woke up. I am going to call next week and try to get a doctors appt. if i dont get appt letter from disability office tomorrow. I am scared they will put me in the hospital if i am 100% truthful . I have a lot of fears about going there again though i know that is what i need desperately . I really do appreciate everyone's comments. I dont think i would be considering going to the doctor or hospital if it were not for them. :angel:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.