I am so tired

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by frozencatlady, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. frozencatlady

    frozencatlady New Member

    I've been in college for six years now. After several years of battling depression, abusive boyfriends, my abusive mother, and family crises every time I turned around, I was finally able to get to where I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been going in and out of counseling, tried more types of medication I can count on one hand, but it all lead to this semester being my last - or so I thought.

    I finally broke completely last October. The only thing that keeps me from self harm most of the time is/was my cat. For the past 17 years that had been Ebony. She was diagnosed with renal failure in 2010 and finally passed in late October. I got a new kitten almost immediately so that I had another life to take care of and who would love me unconditionally, and he does. But...it's not enough. I found out today that a) I was dropped from a class I need to graduate, and b) that that doesn't really matter, as I was given faulty information once again and still need two other classes on top of the one I now have to retake. I can't graduate until December.

    I live at home, avoiding my parents as much as possible so that I am not hounded with questions about myself and my school life. I can't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, and when I do get sleep I can't seem to get up. I've started having panic attacks again. My cat helps, but ultimately he's still a rambunctious 7 month old kitten and doesn't provide the same stability my older cat could.

    Yesterday I went back into counseling, but all that ever seems to happen is that she listens to my problems, lets me cry, and then says "Well, let's try these pills this time..." So now I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and have a medicine that helps with the panic by sedating me. The latest consensus is that I'm bipolar 2.

    The past year all of my childhood pets died, my parents almost divorced, I almost lost my place to live, and now I have to postpone getting my degree one more time.

    Right now I'm in and out of meetings with my professors, trying to salvage the rest of this semester and impress on them how big of a step it is simply to see me in their class every week.

    The upside: I do love my boyfriend. He and I have just made the decision to start saving money for a place of our own, and, eventually, a wedding. We're not engaged yet but it's not far off, and he knows about everything going on in my life. He calls me every morning to make sure I haven't hurt myself. He takes me to appointments and drives me when my medication makes me dizzy. He found out how bad things are earlier this week, and it seems to only have strengthened his desire to be with me. But is it enough?

    I have spent my entire life being told how worthless I am. That doesn't go away overnight. My counselor says that with the new pills I will probably feel worse before I feel better, but I'm not sure if that's possible. I just want to fall asleep and stay that way.

    The academic advisor I met with today waffled between condescension and indifference the entire meeting, and I wanted to scream. At her, at the school for giving me wrong information again, at my previous advisor who told me I'd be graduating this semester, at myself.

    I have these vivid dreams where I pack up my car, put my cat in his harness and just drive away. I go south, out of Alaska and back into the lower 48, and start over. I'm a musician and work retail, it wouldn't be hard for me to make money.

    Ultimately I just don't want to be me anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    dam them for screwing you up someone should be held accountable for the mistakes made, Look at it this way hun i know it is hard but you will graduate you will and then you can move forward away from dam school I am glad you got another little soul to take care of wow and someone that will depend on you for affection and love. You bf he is a winner yes lean on him hun for now okay. Unfortunately running away does not work hun been there things always seem to come back later so might as well jsut deal with this shit nowokay and get it over with You keep venting here okay it helps to let it all out I do hope now you have someone who knows what the hell they are doing at that school so you can finally get those credits and graduate Perhaps if you can take them this summer one or two of them then you will have less to take next sept.
  3. frozencatlady

    frozencatlady New Member

    Thank you for the response. Boyfriend is definitely a keeper, as is the cat. They both seem to love me unconditionally and like each other well enough. I only have 3 classes left before I graduate, and when I look at things objectively I really don't have it bad. But then it all adds up and I weighed down again. Just being able to get everything written down, and to see a total stranger rooting for me is helping. I really don't think I can thank you enough.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Try not to look at too many things at once okay just look at one thing at a time then one will not get overwhelmed Writing things down it has help me hun so i do hope you continue to write your thoughts out as well. I think you are doing a great job hun and yes you will graduate despite the errors of the ones that were to help you No need need to for thanks hun so many here have help me when i get low and i feel like throwing in the towel It is good to know people do understand here and won't judge Keep writing okay hugs