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I am so upset

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Aug 30, 2009.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I am so upset.. my dang brother and his wife and kids did not tell me that the church was having a cookout this evening. i did not get to go this morning and had no way of going this evening. My brother did not even bother to ask me to ride with him. and he knew i had only cabbage from my garden to eat because i will not get a check until next week.. yet the last time we had dinner at church i brought him home something to eat.. then i get people telling me that they care for me?. what a crack of bull.... i have been good to my brother and help him out when i can yet he does not even care about nothing but his self. well i have had it... i am going to prove to him and everyone else just how serious i am...
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't do anything to hurt yourself or endanger your life!! If you're going to prove something to him, I hope you do it in a positive way, like proving to him that you can do things without his help and that you don't deserve to be treated that way.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    what are you gunna do ?
  4. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    Don't do this.

    Talk to your brother about this. Maybe it was just a genuine mistake. Would you really like to die over a mistake?
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Brothers heck sons guys are just so insensitive forgetful at times. You really have to spell it out for them like when are you picking me up for outing I will be ready at this time so pick me up then. Your brother still loves you and you would never want to cause him endless pain by hurting yourself. Talk to him smack him side of head make him see he needs to be more caring and sensitive to your needs as you are to his. :whack: this might smarten him up
    talk to bro let him know how much he hurt you.
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you for all the replies..

    smack him on the head.. ha.. i wish i could do that. lol.. you know he came home around 8 or so and then came over to get water. they have well water but i give him some of my city water to drink cause they do not like the way well water taste well i asked him why he did not tell me they were having a bar b que at chuch, well he then starts to tell me he did not go to a bar b que and i said yes you did cause i called the minister and he said you were there. i also asked him why did you not bring me anything back to eat.. you know what his excuse was? i dont like carrying plates home.. hum.. thats bs and i know it..

    and to top it all off i told a minister friend that i was going to sale this place and let my brother fend for himself cause i am tired of helping him and caring for him and get no love or anything back from him or anyone around me. well anyhow i ask this friend if he could take a photo and you know what he told me. get this, and this is his exact words.

    **** No, I do not have a camera phone. However, I will be glad to come and take some pictures of your place. I don't know if that would be a good idea. I have seen your place and it doesn't look too good. ***

    i mean come on of course i am not rich and i do not have a huge home or brick home but to tell me that when i am already down? just goes to show who really cares for me or not huh?

    you know.. i hung up on A.W. also and he called back and said we lost each other and i said no i hung up on you. cause you nor my brother care about me or dad.. if i had went to church i would have at least thought of him at home and brought him something back.. he knew all i had to eat was cabbage from my garden.. he knew this but he did not care.. that is exactly like Lantana. heck they had a christmas dinner and not one bothered to even come and get me and then they got sick... well i hope my brother and everyone there gets so freeking sick...

    you know i would have plenty to last till i got my check from doing surveys if i had of not helped my brother by using gas and things to go get his kids.. he would tell me that he does not have gas to go get them. i would go get them then 30 minute after i am back home he gets into his car and takes off..:blink: i mean i am really hurt... i bend over backwords to help him and look how i get treated? :mad:

    okay enough of my rant.. if a mod feels need to then move this to rants i guess thats what its turning into be.. heck if i dont scream it out i would go crazy..
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Susan, doing things to spite other people or teach them a lesson rarely ends up working. The one that gets hurt in the process is you. It also does not help you emotionally to carry a grudge. You may be upset with the way you feel you were mistreated, but it won't change things. I notice in most of your threads, this is a common theme. I need to think on this and see if we can't come up with a way for you to view it differently so it doesn't hurt so much.
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well i understand what your saying.. i really do.. i am thinking right now that if i do not care or show love to others then i cant be hurt...back..

    Hey, i just thought of something.. your right. it will not hurt them because they never cared for me to begin with. thats why it hurts only me.. right? thats got to be it.. I hope thats it. thanks..

    yeah it will not change cause they will not get better at all..heck i have tried. i really have, honestly tried. i have tried my best to forgive the guy who burnt my trailer, yes that was too years ago and you know what? do you know what? he did not get anything, not even a handcuff on his wrist and he is still to this day bragging about it, talk about getting hurt.. every dang time i hear that from someone it just burns my hide...

    its unfair.. this whole dang life of mine has been unfair from day 1, heck no wonder the doc said i had PTSD duh ..hello... so how do i break it?

    i am under a lot of stress and i mean a lot of stress, so much so that i cant sleep at all.. it will be the death of me... between my health and my trying to help my brother and at the same time trying to give love that i am giving out love and not nothing back. its taking its toll on me really.

    and then my older brother passes away in december and i have not yet had a huge cry on that. i just keep pushing it back and not wanting to cry, and then finding out she most likely killed him?:blink: and now shes going to get away with it just like the one who burnt my trailer...

    everything just keeps adding and adding and its building and building deeper inside me.. and then if i decide to try and talk about it i usually get accused of being an attention getter or wanting this or that... not from people here but out in my neck of the woods as they call it..

    i get down on my knees and cry out to God every night asking him why? why is there no justice? why do things and people do this to me? i know that they may not realize what they say heck look at some of the stupid things i have said..

    heck when i was talking with A.W. He has not even offered to come by my house nor call us.. you know why? because he does not care. i am a nobody. it is just like i was never there..

    i keep thinking about it. i really do.. heck i know if they cooked out they no doubt had hot dogs and probably hamburgers and what did i eat? cabbage and corn bread.. hey at least it was a meal right? early i had given my brother chicken i had in the freezer and things because he did not have anything to eat. i gave him and did without myself and then my computer it torn up but i was able to get another one. that not being able to get online to do my surveys which is my only income put me back on getting a check which is why i have very little..

    i know, i know.. its my stupid self and stupid fault for caring for others. i give them what i have while i do without.. then if they get something they dont care to help me back out.. heck they was even going to deny having dinner..

    im sorry for the rant.. i guess its best if i just stop.. just stop being... well.. thanks gentlelady.. your a great friend.. love ya!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2009
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    White Dove you are in alot of pain but you can't let peoples ignorance lack of judgement care destroy you. You are kind and compassionate and have friends here that care about you. Don't give up i know the pain is unbearable but tommorrow may be better please call for help if you need to. Call crisis or therapist and talk to someone please Your bro will come to his senses some day and realize what a great sister you are until then just realize he does truly love you but just hasn't got a clue.
  10. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni


    i don't know you but i was reading what gentlelady said. sometimes it can be easy to hold grudges, blame the world etc to the exclusion of actually even thinking about yourself and how to progress forward in a positive way. its too easy to let every negative event make your life that one bit worse and have that one more person to dislike or hold a grudge about.

    i realise its not easy but i am slowly learning, which i hope could possibly help you also, that there are realtively few people in life that you can truly truly depend upon. the other people who let you down, it has to be just let go of. hate and grudges won't help you forward, they can eat you up inside and result in you feeling even worse. sometimes it can feel so good simply to make a conscious decision that you can let things go, and that your anger at other people will only result in making YOU feel bad. ultimately only you can change your life and a constructive way to look at things is to examine what it is that you want out of life in order to be happy and what it is that you have to do to achieve that. it won't be simple or easy but when you can come to rely upon yourself rather than other people to move ahead and reach out for happiness you may find that not only your confidence increases but also your happiness

    (ps: ignore this if it makes no sense-i am too tired to think too straight :p )
  11. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow I think you need to cut out alot of people in your life and find new people that will care about you. Is there a church near you? Maybe you can find people there, that will genuinely care about you and want to do things with you. You seem to like cooking maybe there's a cooking course?

    I know its hard when you realise your family doesnt care, that has happened to me too. On my dad side, it was hard to keep giving and be thrown to the curve all the time, I stopped and completely cut them off. Now though they still try to get me to do things but I just don't do it. I make excuses, and I perpursly miss their phone calls.

    It's going to be hard at first but you need to built a thick skin and think of yourself first.
  12. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi Susan, where are you? I hope you're okay, don't let these things bring you down.. I know it's tough when you love your brother, but getting shit treatment back.. it hurts a lot, I'm sorry.
    But.. he could be a very weak person to treat you like that.. so forgive him okay.. he's not doing it on purpose to hurt you.. it's just that he doesn't care.. he doesn't care about others thats the problem. Don't take it too seriously, as it's not intentional on you.

    I hope to hear from you soon, take care.
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    hi sparkle. living in my own world, levitated one..

    Yiou know people will often tell me that my brother does care but get this, and this is not all that has happened only a few parts of it.

    When my older brother passed away this last december 1, 2008 ( his stupid idiot wife killed him then had him creamated so dang fast and refussed to let us even see him before she cremated him, guess she thought we would find the poision but yet she still got away with murder ) anyhow when he passed away, his ashes were brought back up here, well get this.. my brother and his wife tell me to go make the arrangments for the memorial for him up here and that the kids were going to sing at the funeral etc, well like the stupid dummy i am.. i go and make all those arrangments and guess what, they dont even show up, his wife claims she could not find the car keys, but happens to find them when i get home, my brother happens to be still stuck at the doctors office and could not make it. i find out later my niece who still living in florida calls my older brothers other son joey and his friends up here telling them not to show up.. etc... now do you call that love for me? or just a little weakness....

    okay fine, i go through that with just me, my dad, 2 cousins whom my niece did not have the phone number to call and the 2 ministers, that was it. i was made like a completye idiot and fool.

    okay, i let it go..

    then they procede to tell me to make the plans to spread his ashes, well i do that even paying up front a camping site ( brother wanted his ashes spread over the mountains ) well i lose all that money for the site because right at the last minute they change their mind, who knows what excuse i did not listen to their excuse but just walked away...

    now get this.. my older brother, just before he passed away told me something. Up to now i have kept it quiet but i am going to start telling it.. my younger brother is not the father of savannah, not by a long shot she had an affaire with my older brother franky. he is savanah father, he told me that before he got killed.. my younger brother thinks he got drunk and then savanah came along, he got drunk alright, but passed out.. and i tell you i am just one step shy of walking up to chris and letting him know what his wife did.. but i do not want to mess up my nieces life, all this time she thought franky was her uncle when in fact he is her daddy..

    and another thing, the lights to the trailer they are in is in my name.. woo hoo one phone call and i can have it cut off in an instant, but i am going to do one even better.. i am saling this farm and moving out.. my brother dont have a job and neither does his wife, and as much as i hate to do it but i have had it. all this time they hurt me, took advantage of my good heart well its time i become the ... and you better believe it, they are going to find out soon enough as i already have an offer on this place and another home in another state lined up. sale this, pay off my mortage, take the rest of the money left buy the other place and leave.
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