I am sorry for bothering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theblackrose, Jul 15, 2013.

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  1. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    I really am having a very bad day. I have everything worked out. I have notes made. I have a place in mind after tonight, a nice quiet park outside of town. I have access to my <mod edit - methods>. I hurt so bad. I bother people. I annoy people. I am a useless fat ugly stupid sinful person. I don't want to be here. This is a step above hell for me. I have a councilor, but I can't tell her this as she would prob have me committed, then I would even be worse. I have even thought about trying cutting. I just want to leave. I want to go home. I really want to go home. If I have to stay I want to be normal. Everyone else looks so happy and they have such nice lives. I just want to go home. But, I am scarred. Why... I JUST WANT TO DIE!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2013
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    please don't do it..... what is so bad that you need to do it now- do you want to share with us?

    and don't feel sorry for bothering- that is what this forum is for..... hugs
  3. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    Lots of problems, I am a problem. Perhaps everyone would be better off without me. I am sitting here hoping that a friend I gexted will text me back. But it is pretty early.
  4. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    Lots of problems, I am a problem. Perhaps everyone would be better off without me. I am sitting here hoping that a friend I gexted will text me back. But it is pretty early.
  5. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    Part of me wants her to call part doesn't
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    In order to get yourself the level of help that you would need in order to survive and work out what each "problem" is and what it does - (I write in quotes because it's different for everyone here) - I think that being honest and as open as you can would be more likely to have a better result.

    After all, the fact you found this site, the fact you've even posted, suggests you're open to looking for ways to get support to try living.

    In my experience, being open and honest and free with what I spoke about, has helped me get a decent level of support from my counsellor. By holding things back, we are more likely to then bitch about how our counsellors don't listen/understand properly, but they can usually only work with the information given.

    On the other side of things, you believe you are a problem? Is there anything in particular that makes you think that (such as repeatedly told the same thing by others)?
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a problem here, and there are people who care. Please keep reaching out!
  8. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    She texted back, although I kind of felt like I was being "yelled" at to work on thought replacement therapy and she doesn't want to hear what I am thinking or doing or is going through my mind. I am doing a little better right now. I am at work and no body is the wiser.

    Fighting the tide, it scares me to talk to my councilor about how far I went. I know her work is only as good as the information I divulge, and I hold myself responsible for not giving her everything. I am scared that she will have me put away for a while and that will be the end of part of my life. I have no self esteem as it is, I heard tons of stuff like that and more throughout school and less but still in adult life.
  9. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    All I can say to that is, how will things ever change without effort or stepping out of a "comfort zone" ?

    Being "put away for a while" has a stigma attached which I find rather absurd. The people are there to help and should in theory be qualified to do so. It doesn't always work out that way, but people rarely give it a chance to work before complaining about it - therefore creating a negative association instead of seeing that it's there for safety purposes - to not end a life prematurely.

    But I don't want to seem "manipulative" or like I'm right - there are chances I could be wrong.
  10. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    You said yourself that you're having a bad day. Bad days impair our judgement. You need to live for those good days where you don't feel like this.

    She won't put you away for admitting to suicidal thoughts. Talking about it is the first step to figuring things out. You need to be honest with the people trying to help you.
  11. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    Perhaps you both are correct. I will see about getting into my counselor early than my next appointment.
  12. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    I went to my councilor today. I had what is prob the most productive session I have ever had in 3 years. I am supposed to call in day or night if I have any more problems.
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I got "put away" when I was 19, best thing that ever happened to me.... I never looked back.
  14. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I am another who was "put away", though my hospitalization was voluntary. It was basically "do this on your own or it will be done for you". The time away from the conditions of normal life and having 24 hour access to immediate support if I needed it, did me a lot of good. I made some lasting friends and the experience put a lot of things in perspective. One of the best things I have ever learned has been the three day rule.
  15. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    My problem is my mom was "put away" most of my childhood, and almost all of her adult life. Granted she had some serious issues. But, I had to visit her at those places and, well, they SCARE me alot. Even to this day my anxiety level skyrockets at the thought.
  16. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    dont do it. Hang in there. we are her for you. People here will give you support. Keep writing here. Tell all your thoughts to the councillor. She may commit you into a hospital but I would rather be in a hospital than dead. I know you are going through hell but we all go through hell some times. I also thought of suicide once but I am glad I never did it. Now I am so happy. I am so glad I worked out my issues. Life has its ups and downs. Your life will get better, I am convinced.
  17. theblackrose

    theblackrose Techno Mage

    I am doing better today, thank you. The thoughts are farther away after the emergancy session with my councilor. I am supposed to call her if I get worse. My very close cousin talked to me and thought that if it gets worse I should maybe check myself in. I trust her, but it still scares me a lot. I did not tell the councilor everything about Sunday night yet, I am going to finish telling her everything next appointment, but we did have the first session where I did not wear a mask.

    I know the hospital is there to help, and I know I am seeing it through the eyes of me as a child/teen when I visited my mom there, but it just scares me so much. It doesn't help when people in my office have what could be called made fun of people at the Crisis Center.
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