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I am strange

I feel really bad. I was about to leave, but I couldn't. Every day I wish for my suffering to end, but I don't want to be a better person. Relations with my family are getting worse, they tell me straight out that I am the worst and it's true. I hate them, but I wish they'd think well of me if I wasn't there. Do you have that too sometimes?


stuck in place yet again
yes, they were days when a sharp kitchen tool was right there n and my body felt like moving towards it, and it felt miserable and to end the suffering. like you, i didn't really want to be a better person because, what ever the disorder i have may be bipolar idk makes me do opposite of what I'm supposed to do. so when i try to be better that fucks it up. welp relations with fam wise i admit in some forms i myself was the cause or a final trigger but i was mostly the middleman stuck in between so i knew i was the worst even without others telling me tom honestly i hate them but it's hard to think they will suffer by living while gain freedom when i let it end but there were times when i thought ending it would easen the burden on them. for now i have let go of my depression and suicidal feelings which is after sharing out all my feelings and my entire story with someone. so yes bottom line is yes i have felt it too
I have tried to walk away many times. I have no one, I had the opportunity to join a group of bad people, but I didn't want to be like them. Two cheerful and nice girls wanted to establish contact with me, but I ignored them because I did not want to destroy their lives by entering them. I wish I had someone I can trust and talk to, but I can't trust or talk, and when I get to know someone, I turn away. I don't know why I care about opinions of meaningless people. I am overwhelmed by who I am. It is possible that I can be better and happy, but I prefer to choose the easiest solution, although even it is very difficult for me.

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