So the thoughts have been really bad today. Some days they're easy to control, other days it's like trying to stop a compulsion. Today was one of the difficult ones. The only other times I've had a day this bad, I've attempted. But today was different. I didn't do it. I reminded myself that the pain will pass one day, and my family needs me to bear it. I thought about my parents, and how it would destroy them. I thought about how I would traumatize my little sisters, and probably hurt them more than anyone else ever would, and I do NOT want to be that person. I forced myself to walk to the store, anything to be around other people. I bought my favorite candy and when I got back to my room I watched Zoids and Gundam, you know, shows that reminded me of when I was younger. Feel good shows. But I couldn't shake these thoughts. I don't know why, but I've noticed that another thing that helps is to go back and listen to songs or read livejournal entries from when I was younger, just as a reminder as to what I used to do when I got like this. I guess knowing how long I've been doing this helps. It lets me know that I do have the strength to fight this because I've already been fighting since I was 11.
Tonight I reread a journal entry a friend posted about me in the seventh grade. He was the first person I ever confided in, because this was only about a year after I had started having thoughts. Looking back, I feel awful about burdening him with it. We were so young, and he didn't deserve it. But I read the comments, and all his friends said he should be there for me, but it was probably a phase. I wonder if he still thinks it was just me being weak and whiny. I want to tell him that it was all real, that I've attempted twice and still have the thoughts 9 years later, because I don't want him to think I complained to him about a paper cut when really I lost my whole hand. I didn't burden him for nothing, and I just want him to know that.
Anyway, the point is, I've realized something tonight. I love to make people happy, and just do nice things for them. I'm honestly the happiest when I'm making my friends smile. I would never hurt anyone, I couldn't. I'm even nice to people who hate me. It's just not in me to be cruel. I think that's why I've made it this far. Yes, I've attempted suicide twice in 9 years, but all things considered, I think I'm doing really well. The first time, I was young and it was just because I had never experienced those feelings before. The second was because they were getting to be every single day and I didn't know how to suppress the compulsion 24/7 yet. But considering how often I have the thoughts and how often I act on them, I think I'm doing really well. And to be honest, I think it's because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to sound pretentious at all, that's not me, but I honestly think that if I weren't so selfless, I'd be dead. I do things for my friends that hurt me a lot, and I think that's given me the strength to endure this. I need to stomach the hurt for the people who love me. I'm so grateful that I have that impulse to counteract the compulsion to commit suicide. I would probably be dead without it. Thinking about that gives me hope and confidence that I can beat this. I've always felt bad about having these thoughts, but now I realize they don't make me weak, they make me strong. After everything, the fact that I'm still here is proof to how strong I am.
I feel like Sisyphus, and this revelation renewed my motivation to keep struggling with that boulder. The thoughts haven't gone away tonight yet, and probably won't until I go to sleep, but at least I have control over them.
Tonight I reread a journal entry a friend posted about me in the seventh grade. He was the first person I ever confided in, because this was only about a year after I had started having thoughts. Looking back, I feel awful about burdening him with it. We were so young, and he didn't deserve it. But I read the comments, and all his friends said he should be there for me, but it was probably a phase. I wonder if he still thinks it was just me being weak and whiny. I want to tell him that it was all real, that I've attempted twice and still have the thoughts 9 years later, because I don't want him to think I complained to him about a paper cut when really I lost my whole hand. I didn't burden him for nothing, and I just want him to know that.
Anyway, the point is, I've realized something tonight. I love to make people happy, and just do nice things for them. I'm honestly the happiest when I'm making my friends smile. I would never hurt anyone, I couldn't. I'm even nice to people who hate me. It's just not in me to be cruel. I think that's why I've made it this far. Yes, I've attempted suicide twice in 9 years, but all things considered, I think I'm doing really well. The first time, I was young and it was just because I had never experienced those feelings before. The second was because they were getting to be every single day and I didn't know how to suppress the compulsion 24/7 yet. But considering how often I have the thoughts and how often I act on them, I think I'm doing really well. And to be honest, I think it's because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to sound pretentious at all, that's not me, but I honestly think that if I weren't so selfless, I'd be dead. I do things for my friends that hurt me a lot, and I think that's given me the strength to endure this. I need to stomach the hurt for the people who love me. I'm so grateful that I have that impulse to counteract the compulsion to commit suicide. I would probably be dead without it. Thinking about that gives me hope and confidence that I can beat this. I've always felt bad about having these thoughts, but now I realize they don't make me weak, they make me strong. After everything, the fact that I'm still here is proof to how strong I am.
I feel like Sisyphus, and this revelation renewed my motivation to keep struggling with that boulder. The thoughts haven't gone away tonight yet, and probably won't until I go to sleep, but at least I have control over them.
