I am Strong (TW)

So the thoughts have been really bad today. Some days they're easy to control, other days it's like trying to stop a compulsion. Today was one of the difficult ones. The only other times I've had a day this bad, I've attempted. But today was different. I didn't do it. I reminded myself that the pain will pass one day, and my family needs me to bear it. I thought about my parents, and how it would destroy them. I thought about how I would traumatize my little sisters, and probably hurt them more than anyone else ever would, and I do NOT want to be that person. I forced myself to walk to the store, anything to be around other people. I bought my favorite candy and when I got back to my room I watched Zoids and Gundam, you know, shows that reminded me of when I was younger. Feel good shows. But I couldn't shake these thoughts. I don't know why, but I've noticed that another thing that helps is to go back and listen to songs or read livejournal entries from when I was younger, just as a reminder as to what I used to do when I got like this. I guess knowing how long I've been doing this helps. It lets me know that I do have the strength to fight this because I've already been fighting since I was 11.

Tonight I reread a journal entry a friend posted about me in the seventh grade. He was the first person I ever confided in, because this was only about a year after I had started having thoughts. Looking back, I feel awful about burdening him with it. We were so young, and he didn't deserve it. But I read the comments, and all his friends said he should be there for me, but it was probably a phase. I wonder if he still thinks it was just me being weak and whiny. I want to tell him that it was all real, that I've attempted twice and still have the thoughts 9 years later, because I don't want him to think I complained to him about a paper cut when really I lost my whole hand. I didn't burden him for nothing, and I just want him to know that.

Anyway, the point is, I've realized something tonight. I love to make people happy, and just do nice things for them. I'm honestly the happiest when I'm making my friends smile. I would never hurt anyone, I couldn't. I'm even nice to people who hate me. It's just not in me to be cruel. I think that's why I've made it this far. Yes, I've attempted suicide twice in 9 years, but all things considered, I think I'm doing really well. The first time, I was young and it was just because I had never experienced those feelings before. The second was because they were getting to be every single day and I didn't know how to suppress the compulsion 24/7 yet. But considering how often I have the thoughts and how often I act on them, I think I'm doing really well. And to be honest, I think it's because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to sound pretentious at all, that's not me, but I honestly think that if I weren't so selfless, I'd be dead. I do things for my friends that hurt me a lot, and I think that's given me the strength to endure this. I need to stomach the hurt for the people who love me. I'm so grateful that I have that impulse to counteract the compulsion to commit suicide. I would probably be dead without it. Thinking about that gives me hope and confidence that I can beat this. I've always felt bad about having these thoughts, but now I realize they don't make me weak, they make me strong. After everything, the fact that I'm still here is proof to how strong I am.

I feel like Sisyphus, and this revelation renewed my motivation to keep struggling with that boulder. The thoughts haven't gone away tonight yet, and probably won't until I go to sleep, but at least I have control over them.

 

I think this is a great post, full of hope for people who just start dealing with depression. On how it takes time but how we get a grip on it and learn to manage it. I think it might be a good thing to revisit with your friend what happened back then. I am sure he would tell you that helping you was one of the gratifying thing he ever did, even if it was difficult.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I think this really just gave me some strength for myself. I've been really low lately and have really been considering dying. At first, I was considering getting help (meds or shrinks) but eventually I just wanted to die. I knew it would hurt people I love but it didn't matter. And then tonight, I read this and I thought," Just because I feel this way. I don't have to act on it. If someone else can be strong enough to find a reason to live and the will to live...so can I, and I need to, if not for myself, then for the people I love." So thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you because it's not a story about how your therapist cured you, it's all about personal strength.

I'm definitely going to think of this post the next time I want to kill myself. Thank you.

 

This post is amazing. :hug: It's really inspired me. Good for you for hanging in there hun! I'm proud of you and I know your sisters and family/friends are as well. :hug:

 

Beautiful post.
I agree with you; I do not believe that we, who endure suicidal thoughts and struggle with depression and other mental illnesses are weak, despite what so many people assume.
To face it head on and get through it takes enormous strength!

Thank you for this.

 

Thank you guys. I know the thoughts probably won't go away any time soon, but I have new motivation in fighting them. I see no worth in myself, and realizing that I have been living for people I love while silently suffering gave me one small thing to be proud of. I'm proud of my strength. I've never been proud about anything about myself before, so it feels nice to have something : )

And Moses, I am so deeply touched that I helped you. I hope this does inspire you to keep going. My sister suffered a bout with depression a little while back, and I told her this (which I really should try to remember myself more often): Everyone says people are like snowflakes. Well, it's true, and you're beautiful and unique in a way no one else can ever replace. The trouble is, every snowflake has to fall. It may seem like your life is up in the air right now, but that's just because you haven't reached the ground yet. Some take longer to settle than others, but you know what's nice about that? Being the last to fall means you get to be on the top of the pile when you finally get to where you're meant to be. If you ever need to talk- chit chat, support, whatever- you can PM me any time. Everyone can always use more friends : )