I am such a failure (Even in killing myself)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by siberianhusky6315, Jul 15, 2009.

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  1. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member


    Yeah, I decided to kill myself on Sunday night. And I tried O.D myself to death with the help of some vodka. But I failed miserably and that does not even get me into the ER nor ICU level. I just woke up the next day, feeling like crap and tipsy for a couple of days, and that's basically how I feel right now.

    I could barely walk nor eat. I am very ashamed of myself. I told my mum on the phone but all she did was yelling at me and asking me to go kill myself again or she will HELP me kill myself. I am very heartbroken from the inside after she told me that and she always said that I am already dead to her...:sad:

    Anyone out there, just... talk to me please. I am in a deep mess.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I'm sure your mom was just shocked and didn't know how to respond. Its still no excuse for saying that though. Maybe soon she will come around and start giving you the support you need. And if you want you can always PM me and I'll gladly talk to you when I can. Just hang in there things may turn out okay for you in fact they probably will over time.
  3. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply. My best friend in real life is Josh as well. But sometimes I couldn't talk about my true feelings to him because he's very busy with his school work and I don't want him to be worry about me. Yes, I see him as sort of my boyfriend (I am male). Still thinking whether should I go see a therapist or not because I am always a fearful person. Irrational fears lurking in my mind all day.... which I could stop this nightmare.
  4. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    so sorry your mother said those things to you.You did not deserve that.You deserve support.I hope you can get a therapist..they will never tell you to harm yourself and they will work with you to get through your feelings.You are traumatized by your mother as well and need to talk about it.
  5. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Okay... I guess I will go see a therapist soon... Still a feeling a little sad for what my mum said to me. She even told me to get my ass back to work today on the phone and being insensitive about my situation.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, siberianhusky6315,

    I'm really glad you've decided to get therapy. :)

    I wish your mum had been more understanding. Sometimes people think a depressed person just needs to pull up their socks and get on with life. They don't know or understand what it's like to be depressed.

    Post here when you need some understanding and we'll listen. In the mean time, take care of yourself.

  7. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    I thank you all for taking the time to reply to this post. However, I am a little doubtful and worry about seeing the therapist. You know, I am like that, I have fear for lots of stuff and sometimes I just feel like running away from reality..... but my problems all piled up on me. Because I read about many stories on this site and mostly the therapist doesn't play a significant role nor being useful to the person..:sad:

    Not sure what to do.
  8. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Hey siberianhusky6315, I just want to say I am glad you are still with us. I'm sorry for what you mum said to you, it is a horrible thing to hear (I know, it happened to me too). Maybe she didn't know how to react, and got angry. Sometimes it hard to understand why people would try suicide if you are not depressed yourself. And maybe in some ways she is trying to help. Working is not ideal for you at this moment, but it would take your mind off things maybe, but still what she said was wrong.

    I would suggest seeing a therapist, they can help. If you can get your feelings out in the open, you might feel some relief and you can start to work through them. It can be hard when you feel like you have the world on your shoulders, but if you can get through it, you will be a stronger and more understanding person in life.

    I wish you the best of luck :hug:
  9. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for your reply.

    But I am kinda worry seeing the therapist...
  10. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hey siberian..sometimes you have to brave and take that first step..as long as there is the slightest chance it may make a positive difference you have to give it a shot.Tell you what...why don't you post back here and let us know if it went ok.I don't mean divulge personal information though..just if you are glad you went and feel a little hopeful.We're pulling fior you,and remember a lot of us are like you and have too many fears..that's why we have this website to get support and courage.:)
  11. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    I see.... but still, I am a little... worry :sad:

    I had too much drink tonight....
  12. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    sleep it off.We all do that sometimes.Tomorrow is another day.Just GO.Please let us know how it went when you do,too.I hope it makes you feel more hopeful.Why worry what a therapist will think..mine told me there is nothing he hasn't heard!!
  13. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Also, I told others about my suicidal tendencies to others in real life back then (especially those people at work), all they did was laughed their ass off at me, saying that I am useless and continue to make fun of me. They were very very cruel to me and I decided to stop contacting them, erased their names off my phone and msn contact.

    It was a big mistake revealing my problems to them because they decided to get personal with me and offended me, telling me to go straight ahead and kill myself.

    How miserable, and I am not sure what they would think if they still see me alive up until today. I feel like doing it to make them feel that what they said could messed up someone's life.
  14. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    siberian,i know people can be aholes.You can't give in to the urge to believe that you should die just because there may be others who are cruel and evil enough to get some satisfaction out of it!If you went through with it..they would not feel it was their fault..they may actually not care..or even think it is funny.Sadly there are bad people who are cruel and unable to care about others.Stay alive to spite them.I know I do.And not everyone would be the way those coworkers/jerks were.That is why i love sites like this..a sanctuary.And only a therapist and trusted friends need know what you are going through.Trusted friends are hard to come by for anyone,I assure you.
    Don't give in to the bad of this world..suicide is letting them win.Don't let them!
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WE know who the brainless ones are and you should not let them affect you like this. They will get theres when the time comes. What goes around comes around and their cruelty will come back on them. Don't let them win i agree because they are not worth getting yourself upset over they are not worth the pain your in. Stay here with us and talk with your therapist they truly understand Let therapist know how these asses affected you and get his or her support. We are here to help to listen to be your friends okay
  16. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, you are right. However, the scary part is that my enemies are all way over-powered. I mean, look at them, they have a better lifestyle than me, richer than me and even smarter than me in terms of education. I used to hang out with them until they turn against me recently out of the blue. I am easily intimidated with these kind of people.

    I haven't go see my therapist yet because lately I had really bad headaches and was confined in my room.
  17. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    forget those people...they are not better than you.Worry about you.Hope your headache goes away soon(taking meds for it I hope) so you can get to a therapist.You may be afraid to go but you will be glad you did after.
  18. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    In regard to Mom's... I had a nervous breakdown/meltdown, had to quit my job I was so depressed so my Mom literally came out to Kansas City and brought me here to NM. She keeps saying I need to "pick myself up by my bootstraps" and go get a job,etc.. I managed to work one day at do customer support for a lousy $7.00 and hour. You have to be upbeat, positive, and put on this air of cheerfulness for people. I couldn't take it. My Mom got mad because I didn't tell her I walked out of the job and she threatened to terminate the lease on my apt that she co-signed for me. She said what she was doing was "tough love". She had NO idea what I was going through. Finally she kind of does but still gets on this soapbox about "new thought" where if you think something is going to happen to you it will. I never willed myself to get this ill mentally and it still bothers me. I talked to my therapist about my Mom's comments and how I needed to get a job even if it was washing dishes. She said that to tell someone who is mentally ill to do that was like telling some without legs to walk. It's probably the best analogy I've heard.

    Anyway, I feel your pain and I wish you the best. And don't let any a@holes rent space in your head with their cruel remarks or negativity, it's not worth it.
  19. siberianhusky6315

    siberianhusky6315 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all of the encouragement, people! Also, a few weeks back my parents called the cops on me and try to boot me out of the house. Yes, they were so cruel to me and the cops finally came and they further humiliated me in front of the cops by saying personal stuff to them. I hate those cops, I put a curse onto two of them in my mind because those two cops who visited my room were not good people too, but my parents are stupid to let them to do the justice on me. After this incident, I am basically left with a mental scar that will never be cured.

    Yes, I am an adult living with my parents. I am a loser, no doubt about that. My parents were stupid enough to call the cops on me just because I was depressed and didn't do anything like working and all I did was staying in my room, my sanctuary. And now my sanctuary is threaten. I am such a messed-up.
  20. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    you need help.You have to go to therapy.You are not a loser you just have some issues that a lot of us here at SF have in fact..you aren't alone at all.You don't want to spend forever in that room of yours when you have too much miss out on if you do not make getting help,being honest about your issues,and making an effort to take just one step ,your priority.You may have emotional wounds but they will be just scars someday..you will not always feel this way.One step at a time is all you can do..but you have to be honest with yourself....you have to admit you need and will benefit from therapy,from making an effort..as hard as that is.
    There is a song called Let Me Fall..sung by Josh Groban-one line
    I always think of..
    "There's a moment when fear and dreams must collide".
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