Today I promised myself I would go to the docs. I couldn't see my usual doc so saw someone else. I was pretty dissociated and pretty paicky but told her some basic stuff, and she just sat, and didn't respond to much of what I said. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I dissociated fully and ended up leaving. I got home, knew I wa svery vulnerable and did everything I could to stay in my house, in my bed-stay safe. I failed. I said my last good byes to my pets and left. Then found myself at hospital ???????? I'd gone there of my own esteem. I couldn't forumlate much response to the receptionist, only to cry. She told me to have a seat and a nurse would see me. I asked if I could sit outside and she said yes. I zoned out again, and then when I 'came round' again I realised exactly where I was and exactly what I was doing which panicked the shit out of me but also brought back all my hopelessess because there is no point seeing any of them, and went in to tell her I was going. I'd sat there for 40 mins having no idea I was sitting there. As I walked out a nurse came and said 'I was just about to call you, would you like to come back' and I said no and walked away. She wasn't about to call me, she was just trying to keep me on the premises (I heard the hurried convo as I was leaving). So, I failed to die. AND I failed to get myself somewhere safe. Score. I'm so fucking useless.