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I am SUCH a failure

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Useless Failure, Sep 21, 2009.

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  1. Today I promised myself I would go to the docs. I couldn't see my usual doc so saw someone else. I was pretty dissociated and pretty paicky but told her some basic stuff, and she just sat, and didn't respond to much of what I said. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I dissociated fully and ended up leaving.

    I got home, knew I wa svery vulnerable and did everything I could to stay in my house, in my bed-stay safe. I failed. I said my last good byes to my pets and left.

    Then found myself at hospital ???????? I'd gone there of my own esteem. I couldn't forumlate much response to the receptionist, only to cry. She told me to have a seat and a nurse would see me. I asked if I could sit outside and she said yes.

    I zoned out again, and then when I 'came round' again I realised exactly where I was and exactly what I was doing which panicked the shit out of me but also brought back all my hopelessess because there is no point seeing any of them, and went in to tell her I was going. I'd sat there for 40 mins having no idea I was sitting there. As I walked out a nurse came and said 'I was just about to call you, would you like to come back' and I said no and walked away. She wasn't about to call me, she was just trying to keep me on the premises (I heard the hurried convo as I was leaving).

    So, I failed to die. AND I failed to get myself somewhere safe.


    I'm so fucking useless.
  2. oh, nd to top it off, someone from a different forum called the cops on me over the weekend, unnecessarily, so now I feel unable to actually open up to anyone at all. I know I can be traced by my IP here, but other than that I'm annonymous. Essentially what it means is that I'm totally a fucking lone because I have no one I can talk to about anything. The internet- my safe haven away from my family, is now useless. I can't post under my name, I can't PM anyone, I can't open up in any way. And I shouldn't even be doing it this way.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not useless. At least you're still here ... that counts for something.

    I'm sorry someone broke your trust. I realize it won't be easy for you to trust anyone; but if you do need to talk, you can PM me.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Most of the time, I find it difficult to go to the doctor the same way you described it. I have someone else take me so they can deal with the receptionists and stuff.
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