I am the biggest loser alive.

Normally, I'd write a lot more but I'm too depressed to write very much.
I am the biggest loser alive and I'm the only fucked up person in my area. I'm inferior to all of my parent's friend's kids for example, all the people my or near my age, I'm inferior to all of them. I have no friends, don't get very good grades, I'm the only one depressed, only one seeing a phyciatrist. Why do I have to be the only loser around.

I can't even be depressed as everyone else around me has completely perfect lives, all so happy and full of life, enthusiaum, they'd be shocked if I even talked about, let alone commited suicide. I have to pretend to be happy and it really fucking sucks.

I hate this life and I can't see it getting better. Nobody would want to be my friend, nobody would want to be my life partner, I'll have to get used to living my entire life all alone.

I know I keep repeating this, but I was raised differently, wrong by my parents and I've turned out to be a very screwed, fucked up person.

I know for sure that I am different from everyone, and I mean really different. I'm sure when I go to my parent's friend's houses, they and their kids make fun of me behind my back, I'm so damn sensitive and have no self esteem.
I hate this, I hate this, I wish things would get better. If there is a god out there or other divine force, I please pray that you can make things better. My life is complete, utter shit and I hope I can turn it around. I'm feeling so low..... I don't think I would ever cut or anything, just end my pathetic existence as quickly and painfully as possible.

Sigh...............sob.....sob.

 

Rahul,
please don't assume what the next guy is thinking about you. you can't tell unless you were all knowing. everyone will judge you differently no matter how well or how poorly you might behave. again, your schoolmates can't tell you are a total loser by just looking at you. they don't possess such supernatural all knowing powers either.

If you think about the broad spectrum of life, you'll later discover that none of these evaluations about yourself matter. think about the 9'11 for example. imagine how their families have to go through everyday, compared to your feelings of being a loser, which i can obviously tell you are lying to yourself. before you compare yourself to others around you, count yourself lucky to have legs, eyes, and to be in school e.t.c.

 

Rahul,
I don't minimize your pain. There is always going to be someone worse off then everyone. Who cares? you matter. your pain matters. As for being the biggest loser, I think quite a few people on this site would want to challenge you for that. (That's a joke. :cheer I hope you can still laugh, if only a tiny bit. I feel different all the time too. My parents raised me to be odd, but didn't give me the self-esteem to withstand being odd. they sucked as parents and now I'm out here on my own. And you can't know what people are thinking. Most people think about themselves. I want you to feel better. What can I say that you haven't heard that would make the slightest bit of difference? probably nothing. But I care, I swear I do.

 

I still feel inferior to those people, I dunno if I really am or if my depression keeps telling me that, probably the latter but it always feels like the former. I really am inferior to everyone around me, I'm just a joke, just there to make them feel better about themselves perhaps.

 

I know you mean. My parents raised me fucked up, low esteem, scared shitless of my peers and superiors. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at others like I'm watching TV, because it all seems so strange sometimes. Even though I consciously think to myself that I am worthy of things like love and companionship, I always feel something subconsciously that counters that, and for that reason I have never experienced those things.

But I think that I gradually have been fighting to be loyal to what's true inside me, and soon I will confront and conquer those fears, and things will change. Hopefully the same will happen for you...
~peace~

 

We are all worthy of love and companionship, all of us rightfully deserve it. But for some of us, we have to work much harder to get it.

 

I was raised with not very much self-esteem either...

I get so...paranoid, scared, when I'm around other people. Because I know they're judging me, I know they don't like me at all. It's really a drag.

How's the Psychiatrist working out for you?

 

rahul1000....i fell just like you.I know exacly how you feel and what makes it worse is if we try and talk to anyone about it,we'll just have a HUGE fuss made over us which we dont want.

 

Hmm... well I am right there with you my friend. The difference is that my parents did not even try to raise me. When they realized that I was not going to side with either one of them, instead I was with both of them, they put their efforts into raising the siblings who had choosen sides. (My family is rather large I have 6 siblings 2 sisters from my mom and 2 sisters and brothers from my dad. My brothers choose my dad my sisters choose my mom. And umm yeah my mom is one of 3 women who my dad has kids with). Since I was the battle ground child they just sort of ignored me. And when they were around me the only thing they could point out is my imperfections. Some FANTASTIC parents no?

No one wants to be my friend. I know why to because I am much different then the standard norm.

All you can do is live your life.... well umm I mean let your life go on if you choose to not kill yourself. Remember that no matter what tomarrow will always come...

 

Thank you all for your replies, thank you very much. Means a lot to me. :smile:

 

Try not to try too hard to prove yourself to other people; if you're anything like me you'll go overboard without thinking things through and that will make you look like the fool that you feel other people see you as already.

 

:smile: took me word for word!

 

Rahul, you're not the biggest loser on earth, just one of them. I'm the other one.

 

I'll join the loser club, as long as your after members :tongue:

 

I wouldn't mind being around other "losers", I could really use the company. :smile:

I think I should just be myself, and not try to become something I'm not, I guess I have to learn to ignore all the others and just be myself and be happy. I really get depressed mostly when I'm surrounded by these accquaintences who I feel are better than me...

 

Can I join in the club too? You are right Rahul, you do not have to change who you are for the other people. If they are the ones bringing you down stay away from them. I do want you to know that they are no better than you. Perhaps if this line of thinking could be changed things may improve. I don't want to see you isolate yourself and be alone. You are a great person and I believe you have many gifts you can share woth other people. You are equal to them. Your strengths just happen to lie in different places. :hug:

 

:wink: Hi,why do u care so much bout those brats...This is ur life..U hav ur own freedom..Dun b so confined with ur perception..I used to suffer that kinda crisis before..Then I realize that what's the point of being so weak?I dun mean it physically,but s long s we have strong minds & self-motivation,no one can ever step on our heads...Yeap,1 more thing...Who cares bout other's judgement...They're not perfect,juz simply bias...:dry: U knoe,always say this phrase whenever u feel like *@%4!7*&^$%*"Who cares da heck bout what other people'll judge bout me,only god can judge me,I don't care a damn bout em"..Remember,self-confidence makes u unlimited..Gud luck,dude!:biggrin:

 

I can say for sure that I have very low self esteem and am very self conscious and insecure. Hope I can work on that soon...

 

As long s u piece ur mind together,u can do it...U knoe,based on the Law of Conservation Of Energy,energy can neither be created nor being destroyed..But it can change into another form....So,why don't ya convert that long suppressed negative energy(those@#@$@$ pressures) into sumthin that's powerful enough..There's no point of keepin that energy..Cos ur gonna blow up then...Dun let the radiation penetrates deeply into your body and fester your body to sore...U're a Superman...Hmm,I'm not good at givin advises...Sumtimes,I ended up being so violent n impulsive...:wink:

 

Very interesting idea zura. You are right, being depressed over people being better than me doesn't do me any good at all, only makes me feel worse. Its not easy, but yeah, I gotta stop getting depressed. Even if I am a loser, I may as well ignore it and be happy.

I really am mostly happy the way I am, I guess I have to stop comparing myself to others all the time and stuff, ain't easy to do though. I'm always fucking surrounded by these perfect kids.