I am the problem

I am always invisible. Always fading into the darkness, slowly slipping away. Some people who have been in my classes for the past years dont even know my name. These past few years have been the worst of my life. Ive had days where people have tried to push me down the school stairs, throw things at me, spread rumours about me and just insult me. My anxiety, my self-hate, my depression, my eating disorder, my SH addiction; it's all getting worse and worse. Even though people say I'm skinny, I look at myself and all I see is fat and flaws.

My friends are slipping away from me, because I'm letting it happen. My friends did know about my depression and SH a bit ago and occasionally one of my friends would check my arms for scars but now...I'm fighting this battle on my own. No-one checks for scars anymore. No-one asks me if I'm okay anymore, when i am on the verge of breaking down. One of my friends never even said anything or tried to stop me when she saw me SH in class. (She came into class late and i didnt realise she was watching me) I feel like I'm the problem. I'm everyone's problem. I'm causing my own doom. I can't complete the simplest of tasks without worrying or crying. I'm scared to cry as it makes me look "weak". I'm scared to speak at all in public. I'm scared to speak out. I'm scared as I don't want to moan about me and make everything about me. So I just keep everything to myself.

My friend that saw me SH is the only one I can trust now but I'm slowly pushing her away. I feel like I have no-one. I can't speak up. It's like I have a demon that's holding my mouth closed. I just don't know what to do. I'm getting to the point where I'm having dreams and thoughts about how and where to kill myself. It's scary as I keep thinking about it. In class I can't keep my focus anymore (which puts lots of pressure on me, especially when a teacher asks a question and I'm already horrible under pressure) I've started putting all my work off until the last minute, which only makes me worry more and i spend the hours locked up in my room alone. My aspirations have gone. My hobbies have gone. My will to live and carry on has gone. I just want everything to stop. I'm not cut out for living in a world like this. I'm horrible, I'm worthless, I'm ugly, I just can't love myself, or even just one part of myself. I can't distract myself. I can't silence these voiced and thoughts in my mind. I just want to be free, have no pressure, have no pain, have no breath. I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I feel like my thoughts/dreams are going to come true, but I want them to come true now.

 

I have tried to tell my parents a few times but I have always chickened out. I'm not sure about doctors as I am not familiar with the doctors and appointments and things like that as I haven't often been to the doctors. I have been thinking about giving a note to a teacher but I just don't have the confidence to. I think about doing it but I'm too scared.

Our school never sorts out bullying. My friend has been bullied much worse than me and no-one ever does anything. But I guess it's I'm used to it now, I'm not cool enough. Thank you so much for replying, it means everything to me.

 

About seeing a doctor, could you get your parents to make an appointment for you? you could say you had a rash or something else, and then when you're at the doctor's tell him/her what's going on? or giving them a note if you worry you can't say it out loud?

As for giving a note to your teacher, do you still hand in written assignments by hands or is it all emails and online stuff now? *feels a little old* If you still hand in stuff, could you slip the note in there?
Or what about sending an email to the teacher? Sometimes doing things like that online seems easier.