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I Am Tired Of Being Here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jaimeisbroken, Dec 5, 2012.

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  1. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    (not sure if this belongs here - feel free to move it)

    It seems that no matter how much therapy I have, how much I self examine or how much I try to move past what happened to me I can't seem to be happy. I am so fucking tired of waking-up crying, living my daily life crying and going to bed crying. Someone years ago when I was just a little girl told me that we choose to be happy or we choose to be sad. I know that isn't true but it still makes me feel like a failure.

    I have begun to understand something about the healing process. We so often have a strong sense of self-blame that causes us to dislike and even hate ourselves. It can be so strong of a sense of self-blame that nothing can alter the way we feel. I know this to be a possibility, and in my case an obvious fact because I literally hate myself.

    There is only two reasons I haven't killed myself; my sister and dad are the only reasons. The reason I stay isn't because they will be better off with me because I know that isn't true. I do know they believe they would be better off with me and they would foolishly miss me. They will probably always feel that way, and I will be trapped here to FEEL.

    Before my assault I never really was all that happy, and my happiest moments were when mom and I were being silly and pretending to be fashion models. We would buy new outfits and try them on and take pictures of each other and post them on various fashion blogs for people to judge us. We wanted to be on display and to be judged and it didn't matter if someone said something negative because we BELIEVED we were hot. Now it is all different.

    My rapist took pictures of me with my own cell phone while he hurt me. Some or all of those pictures have made it around the internet because in the few hours between the time he let me go and the police arrested him, he gave them to his half brother. It was bad enough being raped and tortured and then to have one of my favorite memories of mom and photography spoiled by him taking pictures of me, but to find out they are posted online. I spend a significant amount of time online searching for those pics and when I find them I report it to the police. They almost always disappear within a day or two, but I KNOW my pictures will always be floating around the internet in some pedi/rapist/website and I will be once again providing some sort of stimulation for some sick freak.

    I have self-blame because it is my fault. I knew it was a bad idea to get into a vehicle with someone I didn't really know. Dad actually had a rule, we had a rule against that. I didn't listen to him and what happened to me was a repercussion of my mistake. I'm not implying that I deserved what happened to me, because no one deserves that. However I consciously made a choice to ignore the rules and I got burned. My decisions led to it happening because if I made a different decisions it wouldn't have happened. I know that is true because the police asked him why he chose me and he said, "Because she was there and she let me manipulate her". He also told the police that he didn't have the intention of finding me personally, just finding someone. I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. That of course is a randomness that was, is, and will continue to be out of my control. Still it is my fault. I chose to remain behind at the mall with him even though I KNEW that was against the rules.

    I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate that I am so fucking stupid that can be so easily manipulated. I hate that my mom was taken from me and that I through my own piss poor decision making have allowed my memory of the fun we had with photography be stained with the new memories that stem directly from those bad decisions. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate it so much that I refuse to look in the mirror to brush my hair. I hate having my picture taken. I took a picture of myself a few weeks ago so that I could post it on Facebook, but I could only post it after I photoshopped it into some sort of grotesque malconformation of myself. I know why I did that; I am just trying to show everyone what I look like once their blinders have been removed so they can see me the way I see myself, the way I REALLY am.

    I'm tired of being here. I want a way out where I will not hurt my family. Why can't they see me for the worthless slut I am? Why can't they see the ugliness? Why are they so blind? He should have killed me.
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    We are all here for different reasons, but it all comes down to the same in the end, from members to moderators to even the administrators - SF is a free forum where anyone and everyone can gather to talk about their experiences and ask for and give help in times of need, whether you know someone or not. That is the best thing about the site, that every member, no mater what they are going through pulls together for everyone else and that goes for you as well. So simply speak what is on your mind and never be afraid that you will judged or ridiculed based on what you say, because everyone here has gone through something similar to you in their lives and we all work together to help one another.

    A hearty G'day from the Commonwealth of Australian (and, of course, :bubbles:)
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm so sorry for everything that's happened to you...but it is NOT your fault, not at all. Everyone breaks rules from time to time, and I've done things I wasn't supposed to do before, everyone does. But you didn't know what would happen, you had no way of knowing that. And him saying you're easy to manipulate and all of that, he is trying to make an excuse for his horrible actions. He is still trying to have control over you, to make you doubt yourself and feel this way, and you shouldn't let him have that power. I hope the police do find the rest of the pictures and I'm sorry that so much has been taken from you. I know it's hard to believe, because of what you've been through, but you aren't ugly or worthless or anything like that. You are a good person and you need to stop blaming yourself for someone else's terrible actions.
  4. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, I'm sorry you are in so much pain... It isn't your fault, none of it is your fault, everyone makes mistakes, it's ok, that doesn't mean you deserve to be in pain... I hope you feel better
  5. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I didn't KNOW, but I knew what COULD happen. Self-blame isn't easy to get over.
  6. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I actually meant if I was posting it in the right section, meaning the "suicide" or "rape" forum. Nice to know what you said is true.
  7. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    I kinda feel better tonight.
  8. Jemm

    Jemm Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you feel better, feel free to pm me if you need to talk
  9. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Yeah, none of that was your fault - you got a raw deal in this whole thing. It sucks. And I know what you mean about those pictures. We live in an age now where everything is everywhere. I have a somewhat similar situation with my past being online (albeit not awful like what you're having) and I dread having it appear where people from my work might see it. Hang in there and feel free to rant here anytime, you will always have support here - and you can PM me too if you want to talk. This site has incredibly nice and supportive folks - I just come here regularly just read the nice things people say a lot of the time when I'm feeling down. It's a really positive place.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What child does not break the rules hun that is a part of what a teenager does really every teenager every child will push the rules You did nothing wrong ok and i am sorry you have the guilt inside you but the guilt lies in one place only the attackers hun hugs
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, I agree with everyone above, and the way forward is to find thoughts to console yourself with, so that you can in time come to forgive yourself for having let yourself down, as you feel you have. You hate yourself at the moment because you can see what happened in retrospect, and then also what you could have done differently which would have prevented it - but honey, we all do things like that, and sometimes the consequences are like a tsunami that we could never have imagined possible. I know this has been my story, and yet, by the grace of God, there is always a way to find the necessary forgiveness which can restore our life and set us free - free to enjoy life again with the wisdom that comes from experience.:)
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