I am tired of hoping

[AceHeart]

not really looking for replies, I just want someone to listen.
I'm 32 years old, and have achieved nothing. I have no work, no boyfriend, no social life. I do NOT suffer from depresion. my life is just going nowhere. people reject me automatically. wether it's job interviews (literally have never passed one in my entire life, ending up working in shit temporary jobs), or romantic partneres, or friends. I wish i knew why, so maybe I can do something. I know I have problems, which may or may even be due to un-diagnosed social problem, like asperger. I almost cannot recognize faces. I'll sit infront of someone for an hour, having a chat, and if they leave the room and return I won't recognize them. I also don't remember names. never know how to participate/contribute to a conversation, so I just sit quietly and listen. when i do say something, I can visibly see the other person's face 'close'. again, i do not know what I'm doing wrong. I was just told that i didn't get that job at the supermarkt job I applied to, and have been working at for 4 days to learn it. they said I was too slow. I wasn't. I have a diploma (not sure if the right word, forgive my english) in programming, in graphical design, and in teaching art to kids. can't even find a temporary job. the colege I went to for programming is supposed to help the 'top of the clas' to find a job, by accepting them to a program which gets you working experience. I wasn't accepted, even though my grades were 95/100, and I was literally the best in class- both students and teachers have said it to me. why wasn't i accepted? they gave this excuse that I don't live in the same city. bullshit. I know for a fact that someone from my town, and people from more remote towns, have been accepted. people are rejected by my behaviour, or the way I speak, idk. the point is, i lost hope of things getting better. I keep trying, but no one is gonna accept me to a job, ever. the longer I go unemployed, the more undesirable i am to employers. the longer i go without getting married, is gonna make men assume something's wrong with me. it isn't getting better. my self esteem keeps dropping. I can't sleep, i barely eat. I'm religious and believe suicide will make me go to hell. yet, here I am considering it seriously. what's the point? I don't benefit anyone by staying alive. watching stupid youTube videos to pass the time. for what?

 

[alphonso]

Hi Ace heart

I know you don't expect any replies but your post basically explains the same crap I'm going other than being unemployed. As for your struggles of unemployment know exactly how you feel because the took me nearly 4 years just to get a job going through the same bullshit you are right now and honestly it's not right and not fair for you to go through this. All I can say is going through this type of hell is extremely discouraging and all I can say to you is keep going and be ignorant to the bullshit cause you deserve better.

 

[Unknown_111]

Welcome to the forum and the SF family. I think you might be right with your self-diagnosis of Aspergers but you need to get a professional diagnosis. Have you spoken to your doctor about and about getting a referral. There are many techniques to over one social anxiety such as "CBT". I appreciate the combination of social rejection and no job is having a massive impact on your life.

Yes, you might be thinking about their being no future but we all as humans have to start somewhere. Have you thought about about volunteering you art skills at a school in order to gain some experience. You state that you can program, surely you help others or volunteer yourself with companies or schools especially if you have web design skills. Remember employers don't merely look at qualification but also experience. Yes,so social interation is difficult but we are all learning everyday whatever age we are. There is no degree for "life" but you be one a better person from your own experiences and you try to learn from your own mistakes. Life is not like the "yellow brick road" (sorry for the description) but you deal with what is thrown at you.

You hit the old problem of "nice qualification" and no experience. Ok, you got rejected from the store job where you were told that you are "slow". You need to ask what do they mean by that so that you develop your own coping strategies. I strongly suggest that you keep applying for jobs and learn from every rejection. You seem a very highly intelligent person and you just need encouragement to move forward. Yes, each day is a struggle but remember get philosophers like the likes of Enstein had to start somewhere.

Please do not worry now, it's very hard at the moment to get jobs but that is down to the current economic climate across the world. You need to remember that their other qualified people such as doctors who after years of training cannot get a job. I am not trying to be negative in anyway but give you a different perspective on the situation.

I am not going to say the world is made of "candy and chocolate" but we all have to battle through each day. The scars we carry today makes us stronger for tomorrow. Just think there is someone sitting here in this planet called "Earth" who feels your pain and wants to help you. I am very sorry if I cone across harsh but trying to be realistic and encourage not to give up the battle yet. The "final commitment" is not the answer. Please keep talking to us and use the chat room to speak to others with similar feelings.

Finally, if I come across "harsh" then please accept my deep apologies. Please take care and most important be safe.

 

[AceHeart]

thank you both. just having someone care and underdtand means so much to me right now. I don't want to talk to my family as I don't think they can help, so it'll just make them sad. as for being diagnosed, I have thought of it, but woried it'll do more harm than good. if I'm officialy diagnosed, I'll have to put it in my resume / mention it when I date someone, which will make things harder. though if there is treatment, or if I can be taught how to communitae better, I'll do it. atleast i won't have to apologize for not recognizing someone..

 

[AceHeart]

I like the volunteering idea, I'll have to think where I can do that.

 

[Unknown_111]

I like the volunteering idea, I'll have to think where I can do that.

Your welcome as we here to help everyone in the world as we care about everyone hurting. Bit cheeky now, how about a little smile now.

 

[Petal]

Hi honey, I read your post twice, I personally think you are doing great by just still being here fighting this. Have you considered moving somewhere else to find a job? Have you tried meetup.com to make some new friends? I have heard great things about it. You seem like a lovely person who is just struggling, maybe try some dating websites. Don't give up, don't give in, it's not allowed I hope things begin to look up for you soon and in the meantime we are here for you

 

[AceHeart]

thank you. I'm actually considering moving to a bigger city. a family relative has a spare room for me. a new place is scary, cause I have a hard time making friends, and I'll have to move first and hope i do find a job fast, as i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

 

[Petal]

thank you. I'm actually considering moving to a bigger city. a family relative has a spare room for me. a new place is scary, cause I have a hard time making friends, and I'll have to move first and hope i do find a job fast, as i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

A bed for you in a new city??? OMG Go for it. You will make new friends, i really wish I had the option that you have. What do you have to lose at this stage? If it doesn't work out it doesn't but at least you will have tried it. I realise it can be scary but it could open a new door in life for you in a good way. If you need a friend, I am always around here

 

[AceHeart]

you're right. maybe I need a fresh start.

 

[Petal]

Yes totally go for it, how well do you get along with this relative? If good then I can't see anything in your way, does this relative know you suffer with depression? Kudos to you it could totally change everything. Go for it. Get yourself out there and try and live a ''normal'' life Best of luck to you.

 

[AceHeart]

so.. I don't wanna start a new topic for this. cause this is basically an update on my situation. I tried talking to my family about how I feel. it did NOT end well. they just dissmised me, and laughed about it. they're not being mean, just.. don't know how to react, I guess. my bad feelings were gone after talking with you guys. but then it returned in the evening, and hit me at full force. the way this feeling comes and goes makes me wonder if it's even coming from me, or maybe it's some chemical inbalance. how do you know if you have clinical depression? I feel bad when bad things happen, not randomly, but when I do, it comes with suicidal thoughts, and thoughts about how useless I am. I was ready to comit suicide when I posted, already had a goodbye letter, and started researching how to do it. I'm currently feeling much better. it was a holiday yersterday evening, and at first i couldn't even pray as I was so sad. I was crying the whole prayer, and then reminded myself of G-d's mercy and love, and told myself to believe good things will come. it calmed all the wild feelings inside. that, and my family's laugh, though i hate to admit it. it made me realize I may be over reacting and not all is lost. the thing is, I'm pretty sure the next time something bad happens in my life, I'll react the same way. what can I do? what treatment can I try?

 

[Petal]

Hi @AceHeart

Thanks for the update on your situation. I tend to agree that people don't grasp depression and suicidal thoughts very well and have no ida how to react. I wouldn't blame them though as there not enough effort into putting mental health awareness out there in public (in general).

As for knowing if you have clinical a depression a doctor or psychiatrist would have to assess and evaluate you in order to make a diagnosis.

Do what you feel is right for you and don't give up just yet.