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I am tired of it.. so maybe I should just end it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DancingWithTheDevil, Mar 24, 2014.

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  1. I can't stand it anymore.. why must I be this way? Born a ****** and I had no choice for anything else. Born just so everyone can tell you "Just be yourslef. Uhh no, not like that." and judge you for everything outside the social norm. If I just was straight I wouldn't have to deal with hiding everything from my parents and the people in school.. I would've had a relationship already.. I could love.. I wouldn't be weird.. I wouldn't be this abomination, as my family preffers to call homosexuals. I hate it.. I hate it so much. I don't want to be this way.. I am I and I wish I weren't. Because I am mostly destroying myself. Blindly I walk up the gallow step by step without anyone forcing me. Death is not far away from me... I feel his cold hands resting on my shoulders just waiting to take me to the neverland. My family that has abused me enough in my childhood.. the bullies that have beaten my down.. who have thrown their knees against the stomach of mine.. who threw my unsensitive body on those edgy pillars.. who have jumped on my back several times.. who have blackmailed me.. who have put my school stuff under the shower so I had to buy everything again.. who have made me go to a psychiatrist just to waste my time.. whose hate has swallowed me whole like a snake and turned me into his kin. I am left like a snake.. I have no heart, my blood seems cold and my purpose of living is.. well.. unknown. Aimless and lost.. I hear no god anymore, I only hear the devil. I feel like only death can free me from the pain of my mere existence, for I am no one. Just an unimportant shade of this hell we call earth.

    I like to quote this lyrics from a song..

    "I can't sleep at night... food has lost it's taste.. GOD I'M SO SICK OF THIS PLACE."

    P.S: I don't believe in god even if I may seem so... I just like to talk in metaphors.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, DancingWithTheDevil. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low right now.

    I was going to edit out the word "******" because it's a slur against gays, but in the context above, it seems to be part of what you're feeling - that you're think you are a social misfit. You're not, btw. You are a person with the same rights to life and happiness as anyone else.

    We don't encourage the use of that kind of terminology here - labels can be so hurtful, biased, nasty - and really, it's perhaps even worse, if we are the ones calling ourselves names.

    Sadly, there are still people in the world who would categorize and shun people based on gender, sexuality, color of skin, shape of eyes, weight, religion, ability/challenges, etc., etc. That can present challenges. I think that when people stand up and succeed in the face of such blatant discrimination, it really shows the haters up. Puts them in their place and makes them look as small and mean and petty as they truly are.

    I noticed some things in your post that bear comment. You hate yourself...and I don't think you need to. It is very saddening to read about how you loathe yourself. You wish you were different. Although you feel that you are/will be rejected for the way you are, there are many good, loving, caring people around the world who are tolerant and accepting of others no matter what the similarities or differences. If you can accept yourself, you then open yourself up to seeing others who could accept you as you are. (I don't care one way or the other what your sexuality is. I DO care about WHO you are, what things you like in life, how you interact with others, what motivates you to happiness, what makes you you.)

    The next thing I noticed (I read the post a couple of times) was that you write very well, and that I was completely engaged with what you are saying. So you have quite a way with words and expressing emotion. That is a talent. It might be that your inner struggles have made you a better observer of your surroundings and of your own feelings - you have tied observations, images and feelings together very tightly in your post. Feeling death's "cold hands resting on [your] shoulders", "edgy pillars", "...hate has swallowed me whole like a snake" - very visceral and visual.

    I am trying to say that I see things I like and things that it would be a waste to throw away. I hope that death is far away from you. I hope that you re-evaluate your worth in the world. I hope that you find you are actually a very heart-filled person - you must be, or you wouldn't be able to hurt this much. Let go of the hurt if you could, and look at the good that you are and have to offer. Don't let your self-loathing and self-destructive feelings guide you. You have more going for you than those. Lots more! :hug:
  3. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    hey Dancing:

    sorry to hear of all the shit u've had to endure simply for being who u r, for being gay. while I got some hassle for being gay when I was back in high school a good time back, it could have been a lot worse. so I was actually lucky in that regard. my family life totally sucked (was very abusive) and being "different" in the sense of being gay, in ways simply added to anything else I was struggling with at the time, including major depression.

    things got a lot better for me when I left home and attended university. there I found people who I could be friends with, no matter what, gay, straight, bi, whatever.

    hold on, Dancing. it really can get better. and btw, Acy was right in terms of ur writing...sometimes it simply poetic.

    tc, Dancing.

  4. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    disspite what my parents say and relgion has taught me, it okay to be gay sure lesbians get an easier ride and found most of the girls in LGBT to be unsupportive. which is why I giving you support right now, keep doing what your doing, be free... hopefully one day you will come out of the closet.
  5. Thank you for complimenting my writing Acy and chuck1962... I really did spit out all the emotions and turned them into words. I generally have a way of writing sometimes as I like to write songs (though I'm not THAT good at singing). I feel a lot better than at this time again.. it's generally that I suffer from depression that just comes and goes when it wants and mostly it comes for no reason at all, bringing suicidal feelings with it.

    Generally my appearance is something that is really important to me and so I try to fight depression by just taking a bath and just try to look good even when I'm going nowhere. Or by just being around my best friends. They also are able to distract me from depression. It does work sometimes but sadly not always. You can say since I dyed my hair my self-esteem has been growing quiet lot.... this is how difference one little thing can do.

    I can gladly say that now I'm not depressed.. just rather confused. (Again for no reason that would be visible)

    And thank you a lot soulreaper. And gosh I can't say how much truth there is. Like.. they don't really seem to care about the male part of LGBT (at least the ones I have got to meet.. I'm sure there are a lot who are supportive) and I have been feeling this at a lot of LGBT meetings and it made me stop going there as the only thing there is either non-support or drama. And drama is very bad for me.. especially another one who is suicidal and has tried to commit.. well you know and there was his friend saying things that hurt me since I also tried to do it twice. "You are only hurting those who care for you." "You just want attention." you know.. that usual.. "shittalk".

    We live in a sad place where it seems that only those who have fallen to pain can actually feel and support their kind, wether they were before or after. It seems that you have to be hated in order to realize the sin that we humans carry. The sins of envy, gluttony, avarice, wrath, envy, pride and sloth. All these things described as "the seven deadly sins" are nothing more but normal for mankind. Being a kind has lost it's value and thus it's importance. It's about standing over anyone else. That is 'till you realize that you are not a king nor a ruler.. you are just standing on a pile of corpses as you will die in your inner with that kind of attitude. On the next moment you realize that pressure on your back... like the whole world was crushing you and then you realize that you are just part of this pile. You are dead aswell. It is a hard place to live in as the light of the sun will only blind you as you walk near thus leading you on a false path. Only when you distance yourself from the light you will be able to see clearly. But the question is.. do we even want to see clearly? Do we want to know the truth? By my experience I can say I'd rather have stayed blind. The truth is cruel.. like a unworn mask where behind the eyes only lies blackness.. you feel as it stares into your soul and slowly takes everything you had and shows you the truth.. and what is the truth now? The truth is: There is no truth. This world is empty and without value. We are born into this worthless world and are given a task something that you can GIVE a value to. You could say we are our own gods, as we create our world and our reality. I mean.. what if you already died but you didn't accept it.. and in your reality... you just didn't die. You just live on as if nothing ever happened to you. I ask myself this question every time I walk over traffic.. "What if a car hit me and I just didn't know?".. which then makes us question our sole existence. Are we even real? What is actually real? What is not? It will thrive you into insanity... headaches, overthinking and the wish of salvation. If you didn't die yet you will come to the realization that thinking about it too much is useless and you should focus on making your own reality.. well.. real. It's literally like having a white canvas before our eyes and we can dye it any colour. But by the time space will go out and you will have to mix the colours which will lead to chaos (if you didn't get this part.. I meant influence by others). In this chaos of colours, which we like to call puberty, we are trying to find the true picture in it.. the real you. The real meaning of you. THIS is what life is about. Finding a meaning. If we fail to complete this task we are punished with a painful death.

    I am still stuck in this phase of chaos of colours where clearness and order are foreign.

    And the fact that I often had to miss school due to headaches and sickness made it even worse as I may not pass. I am probably the most intelligent guy in the class and yet I may fail due to lack of attendance. I hate this "You MUST attend to school at these and these days and times.".. why can't schools be like universities where you are not forced to do anything.. you just need to pass the exams. Why do people not realize how much stress this would prevent. The worry about people not going to school at all? Oh believe me, once you are not forced to go to educate yourself you will go there out of free will. Let's take 3rd world countries for example.. probably all of you heard that line at least once from a teacher or generally from an adult "The poor kids would be glad if they could go to school!". Do you realize what I am saying?

    Another example.. there is this guy from Syria in my class who has moved to Austria a few months ago. He is not forced to go to attend.. he can come and go when he wants.. he doesn't get any grades or stuff like that because well.. he is in a new country with a new language and new school system for only a few months. Yet that person is WILLING to go to school. He WANTS to educate himself. He isn't forced to.. he wants it. OH is that magic?! No it's just logic. And it seems that today's government is too stupid to realize that.

    Generally the lack of intelligent thoughts and logic in today's system is part of what literally makes me feel down as I do. I am too stressed even when school is easy. Why? Well.. start of the year.. I never skipped classes and always attended.. I was the best in class and I always had very good grades.. but still teachers screamed at me. They wanted even more and more from me instead of praising me for what I already have accomplished. They screamed at me when I was talking in classes because I was faster than everyone.. screamed because I tried to help others since they were seemingly unable to do so due to lack of knowledge on "how to educate younger people" even when they went to a school for well.. education. And also the stress of always standing up early and having to come punctual at same time has left me little to no time to do stuff with friends. I come home and it's too late to go out and I end up being on the internet all day. So if I get all the classes and if I'm already under-pressured in classes.. why do I need to go there? I am just sitting and being bored while I could do a lot better things.
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