I am tired of love

[cherub]

Hi, I am new here but I want to cut it to the chase and I am already so tired to write....

I am not normal and I never will be. I am gay from the most anti-homo country in the world I have social phobia, every time I fell for someone they turned me down saying they don't want relationship. I can't find happiness or peace with myself being this lonely. I need someone always emotionally, I am tired from myself and I want to die. The last guy I liked so much is now ditching me cuz he didn't want relationship and though he liked me but I was over him and now he just is afraid of me. I want him back, even as fuckbuddy but I want him and I don't know how to get him back without begging him cuz its not gonna work I know. I am average looking so its hard for me to get a guy. I am confused please help me.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Welcome to the forums.

Have you ever thought about trying those online websites for people wanting to meet others or looking for more.

As for this guy, do you two still at least talk?

 

[cherub]

Well I try these websites all the time and I met that one on one of these. And yes we still talks and go out with friends sometimes but he totally avoids me sometimes with no excuse for example when I am chatting online with him and he tells me he is gonna go for shopping and I tell him I want to join you if you don't mind then he tells me nothing its like he didn't hear me asking him, I would take no for an answer but not the nothingness! Though we are not committed and we see other people but we used to have great sex together, I know he is seeing someone he likes pretty much and I always ask him why did he stop seeing me all of sudden and he says that he was just busy or something.


He started to hunt me in my dreams you know what I mean? I always get into these moments where it is most intimate between us and I wake up after and I remember that he is not next to me and he might never be and I start having these bad feelings.

I know he deserve better and I am trying to forget about him emotionally but its really hard since I was so attached to him recently. I just want closure which can help a lot. He abuses me emotionally, he tells me he is friend though he is not acting like one... I even deleted his phone record so that I don't call him when I feel so weak. I don't want to reach to this stage where I might beg him to come to me.

All I think now is that I am so mad at myself for letting me fall for him which makes me want to harm myself, I already cut my wrist like twice times multiple wounds and it sucks but it gives me sort of relief and I can pass out which at least shut my brain down a little seconds and when I wake up I feel in better sort of mood. I hate that I have to face the fact that I will live with this feeling today, tomorrow, and the day after and just want to stop time.

 

[flayflow]

I met my bf on a dating site. and its working out great.
Why dont you try this.
You are able to chat over the site chat.
Then move on to emailing from your personal address when u feel comfortable.
give it a try :hug:

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

You've done nothing wrong, it's him who has decided to cut most of his connections with you. Perhaps he has some fear in him which has resulted in all this. I know it's hard but you should move on. It's his loss. It may take a long time but you'll move past this. Just take each day as it comes.

As for staying in connect with him, that's totally your call to make.

 

[cherub]

Yeah, I want to move on past him. It is painful you know when every time you share lovely memories with someone and then you try your best to force them out of your brain and after a while you try to remember these moments but they seem vague and that's when you feel you have these holes in your life that you can't regain them.

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Do you have close friends? Cuz perhaps now the best thing is for you to be single. And when your ready, get back into finding someone.