hi there.. well im not going to moan again about my miserable life because it is really annoying for all of you but just thought id let it go anyways, and if u happe to read this, well thank you in advance. I just feel so empty inside, worthless and useless. Effexor, as said previously in my posts, doesnt work, its actually driving me over the edge: cant sleep ( until 9, 10 am, so im failing greatly courses in college and feeling worse than ever), been dreaming over over and over my own death for real, been obsessed about my own hanging, browsing lethal methods and the same shit, you know what I mean. cant stop meds, i know this would drive me crazy as ive read about effexor effects, cant talk about it with my doctor because hes in france and im in spain for studies and only has an appointment with him in 3 weeks, cant get counselling because of the language gap - im in spain, have no friends i can really relate to here. Parents dont know whats going on and think im doing all right mentally and at college. dont go out because ive developped social phobia, cant stand to be around people, so basically im sitting/aying all day in bed just doing the very basic chores ( eating and showering). I should be precribed lithium for my bi-polar desease, the doctor wont as knowing im suicidial, overdosing wont look good at all plus he says ive to go progressively on it as its way too strong. so basically, its like i was not on medication and constantly been struggling with the up/down moods, death nightmares, death impulsions and all their consequences. Killing myself appears natural to me and im no longer afraid of it, nor guilty about it. its a sick joke. my life has become to that point ridiculous and pointless. i feel empty, no feelings at all, like a zombie, except when im invaded by these death thoughts and plans. its like my mind and body telling me to do it, i feel depersonalized.