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I am trying to hold on to hope but whats the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rfl13, Jun 30, 2014.

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  1. rfl13

    rfl13 Member

    You dont have to read this but i feel like i need someone out there just to give me some advice.

    At the moment in my life i feel more depressed than usual and i have thought of just ending it. I have before but in the most cowardly way by when im sleeping i position my head under the duvet so i suffocate but i either get too warm and give up or i feel like my life will get better.

    I am a 22 nearly 23 male iwho has never been in a relationship and never had any sexual experiences apart from a quick kiss on the lips when i was in school. I dont really think i have any friends well any sociable friends. Ever since in school i have got along with most people from in college to my work place now. Everyone says that im a funny caring person but yet know one messages me know one suggests to hang out which sometimes i dont mind but theres days when im at home and my family say things like i need to get out more instead of being stuck in my room. On facebook no one messages me just to talk and its people from school who i was really close to me and they dont invite me out to things they do whether its out partying to travelling somewhere. I know i havent seen them for long time but its like they never really liked me. I feel like people have used me all my life just to help pass there day for them because im friendly funny person.

    I love my family and my friends at work even though we dont hang out and some of the people i play football with they all think im a happy person yet i have been depressed for many years. I feel so much anger and hate inside that i just want to explode its like i hate the world i hate people for being happy and i hate myself for not have done anything with. The only things that i have done which is worthy of mentioning is that i passed school and i passed college and i have a job and thats it.

    There is no one i can talk to my family wouldnt understand the struggles i go through with my everyday life. I am trying so hard to remain positive but it feels like whats the point. I was out at a persons leaving do and we were playing drinking games and i lied about having sexual experiences when i havent even though i know and my family know that i havent. My family sometimes put me down when they say stuff like isnt time u get a girlfriend and that your younger sister is going to be in a relationship before you. I am not shy with girls but when it comes to telling them my feelings and physically flirting with them i just cant. I have had girls fancy me you can just tell but for some reason im not attracted to them the ones that i am they are already in a relationship not interested in that way or i just dont tell them. I am short average build and average looking i just keep thinking if i was taller maybe i would be better with girls.

    I am not a religious person but i have prayed to who ever would listen and asky for my life to better and not have so much bad luck and to ask why me why life to be so much of a struggle but there is no answer. You may have read this and think so what you have had no relationship so what you have had no expereinces in your life such as travelling seeing bands in concert or doing anything which you can be proud of you can move on. I keep talling my self that the lord has a plan. I keep telling myself to prove everyone wrong and i wont be beaten but its so hard to do this everyday.

    I would like to be a writer whether its a book or a script but when you have no motivation and no inspiration then its only a dream. Of all the bad experiences and all the bad luck i have had in my life i feel like my life wont turn around and that ending it would be best. I feel like that no one will miss me if i was gone and i feel like peoplea life would of been better if they hadnt of met me.
  2. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    You asked for advice. Firstly, though, I'm sorry you feel so awful, that's a painful place to be.

    I wonder if you facebook message your old school friends to chat or simply are waiting for them to? Also with your colleagues at work - do you ever invite a few of them out for a drink after work or whatever? After school I find it takes more time and effort to make and maintain friendships because they're not there automatically. It's different.

    In regards to girls - if you like them why do you not ask them for a coffee or cinema etc? You don't have to explicitly say how you feel if this is hard or flirt - you could show it by being kind and generous and thoughtful. Talk to them and find out what interests them, what is worrying them and think of ways through that to show you care about them. That will likely mean more to them than some flirting, and if it doesn't they're probably not suited to you anyway. I really don't think simplifying it to "if I was taller" is helpful. If you want experience you may have to do something different, in some way and somehow.

    Aren't the best artists/writers the ones that are the most emotionally tortured. It almost comes with the territory - why not use what you're going through now as inspiration?

    Life can change but you have to be prepared to change it and to take some risks sometimes.
  3. rfl13

    rfl13 Member

    Thank you for reading this and thank you for the advice.

    I know that me saying i wish i was taller is just an excuse but its just i wish i had experiences that everyone else has. I have taken risks but its always the same outcome. I have regretted not telling certain girls that i have liked them more than a friend but recently i told i girl i liked them and there werent that interested. Well it was a girl who was leaving work because she finished uni she was going back home and for some reason i told them i liked them and they responded with dont know because of the awkard timing. I now regret telling her that because im not sure if that was how i felt and just being scared of not seeing them.

    I hate having regrets but i am constantly thinking all the time about choices i have made or i should of made in the past and thinking about the future and wondering were my life is headed. I dont know how to stop and just think about the present.

    I am trying to remain positive about my life but i struggle to keep up with it. There are days where im fine and think to myself that everything happens for a reason. Then there are days where i am just down and wonder whats the point in my life. How do i remain positive about life on the days i struggle?
  4. Longstoneman

    Longstoneman New Member

    Hey, I'm now 50 and do you know what? Until 12 years ago I felt just like you. I had a good job, a house, all the trappings of being reasonable at what I did, BUT I was desperately lonely and craving a relationship. It had got to the stage where I had unintentionally isolated myself from all my friends. I've never had loads of friends, but always a core handful who I could rely on.

    12 years ago I lost everything due to ill health, but they say every cloud has a silver lining and mine was that I met a lady who is now my wife (10 years in October) and her 7 year old daughter who I view as my own and she calls me Dad.

    I NEVER thought I'd get that. I'd had a very serious suicide attempt with police breaking down patio windows in my house and finding me unconscious. To find this one person who could transform my life after so long was incredible.

    What I'm saying is don't give up - ever! There is someone out there for you, but, and this is something I had to learn the difficult way, they won't come knocking on your door. You have to try to make a first move sometimes by asking friends if they want to go out for a drink, to the cinema, whatever you have as an interest. It's difficult - I know. You say yourself people like you and that's great, but I know how you feel - it's good to be liked but you want to be more than liked by someone. It will happen, and maybe like me it will come when you least expect it.

    I've still got my gremlins with mental health issues, but I've a fantastic wife and daughter and view life very differently now than I did before I was ill. Keep going, there's lots of people here who care, friends you'll never meet but who are here for you. Sadly tough days are part of life. I still get them and I still struggle at times. I get solace from walking, music, reading - I try to distract myself. The biggest thing I do though is initiate something with someone - family, friend or whoever. A chat over the internet can be interesting and take your mind off things.

    Take care and I'm saddened to hear you feeling like this.
  5. rfl13

    rfl13 Member

    Thank you for your advice and i am happy that you found your happiness.

    I am trying to remain positive but one of the things that does get me down and its a stupid reason is that nearly every girl that i have liked and developed feelongs for has a boyfriend. I mean there is a girl that i like at the moment who has a boyfriend but apparently he does treat her good and doesnt take her anywhere. I know i would be good for her but i dont want to wait for something that might not even happen.

    As i have had no sexual experience i just feel worthless because there is people younger than me who have. I mean because the girls i like are in a relationship if they did break up and i dated them its like im inexperienced and would really want to date someone who has never been in a relationship especially at my age. I have considered paying for it to see if it will make me feel better but i dont know if i really want to do that so thats when i get depressed and have bad thoughts.
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