i am useless and fat

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by therecoveryomnibus, Jan 4, 2013.

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  1. therecoveryomnibus

    therecoveryomnibus New Member

    I’ve never felt more like a failure in my life. I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m getting fat. Just plain fat. I’ve spend thousands and thousands of dollars on law school and my grades are fucking crappy. 70th percentile. I’ve let down everyone who has ever believed in me. I am a failure. I am worthless. I’m not good at anything. I’m mediocre or bad at all things. I’m not like other people. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to do anything. All I want is to lay by myself in my bed. I am a failure. Even my drug addicted ex-boyfriend was successful. I am a piece of shit. I don’t want to be alive right now. I got bad grades at a mediocre law school. I’m fat and ugly. I’m not talented. I’m going to run out of money. I am a failure. I have let down everyone. All these people love me and believed in me with no reason, and I fucked up. Its all my fault. I’m stupid and lazy. I’m stupid and lazy. I am pathetic. I am a waste of space. I don’t want to eat. Ever. Again.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have people who love you so you are not useless ok and if you are in school you certainly are not lazy You are struggling like many student do hun You have to stop with the negative talk hun and start being so dam hard on yourself ok hugs
     
  3. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I always find it a challenge to offer advice/support since I'm somewhat suicidal myself-more on some days. I was in school so I know how it is. Your grade sounds pretty decent to me, as long as it gets you your degree, that's the main point. Even if you don't it's not the end of the world, you can always try to get work in a different field.

    In my case I have a lot going against me which I'm not going to get into right now. Though I have a good degree, I couldn't find work in my field and I'm now stuck in a low-wage position but plan to find better work. I'm also in my early 40s and most of my friends have got houses and are married. Basically I have no reason to live to be quite honest. If life was a video game, I've already lost and there is no respawning at the beginning cause you only get one shot at it. I made a lot of stupid mistakes career and relationship-wise and wasted the last 20 years of my life.

    I simply go on because I'm just counting on things getting better. Actually the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm just deluding myself. I don't expect things to improve that much unless I got lucky. Lately I've also been experiencing some health issues, which is new for me since I've been fairly healthy for all my life-but I think it's being at this age.

    I guess we're all in our own little hell-holes. The fact is when I'm fine emotionally, I don't think much about suicide-but if I get depressed and think about my life then it feels quite a lot worse. I've hated my parents for giving me this life, but can't fully blame them-they didn't have easy lives either and I made some bad decisions as well. Some days though I honestly don't want to live and the only thing keeping me around is the huge difficulty of ending your life in a peaceful way but also leaving a major gap because I'm a big part of my friends/family's life. My elderly retired mother lives with me as well and if I was not around things I don't think my siblings would let her stay with them for too long. They're selfish people and would probably put her in some place to rot alone. So at least I'd have to put her in a situation where I know she'd be fine so I wouldn't have to worry about her.

    I'm not someone who hates life, it used to be great for a while-despite growing up poor and suffering, it was fine. But in a sense I was spoiled and only want the 'good life' and seeing things just get worse and years of endless, pointless suffering has brought me to this position of wanting to just end it all. There were some opportunities I had to do well in life (in terms of good job and dating) but I didn't seize them when I had the chance. Which just shows there's something inherently flawed about me which keeps me in the rut I'm in and I'm just fed up with it all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2013
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