i am useless, pathetic and a joke

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OutCaste, Aug 9, 2008.

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  1. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    everyone laughs at me. i really mean everyone.

    my parents hardly find anything positive abt me. today i got shitloads of abuse. on and on and on and on with the vile criticism.

    i have NO friends at the age of 22. Not even 1 and I try to avoid everyone and act like a freak purposely so that no one comes close to me. The only friends i have is people on this site because many people here empathize with me. i am so sick. guess somethinh was wrong with my uprbringing. i have always been a coward even though i fantasize about being a hero. i want to step out of my house but so many rumors are spreading about me that i cant show my face to anyone. i have a bachelors degree and going for masters in computer science but i cant function in a company. whats the point in stacking degrees when you never even evolved beyond an animal's level. i got admits from great schools like university of southern california, drexel, virginia tech yet i am going to an average grad school like villanova (no kidding here). i somehow convinced my parents. the only reason i am going there is because i found out through myspace that some of my bullies and some others from my city go to the those universities. isnt this pathetic that i do based on what others think of me and not what i want. what is the point in living if i cant even live according to my terms. i really think my death is nearing. i wont live for long. i dont want to. atleast if i die within 2-3 months , then all the insurance money will go to my parents which is good since i wasted a lot of their money. i just need a very easy and painless method. getting a disease would be the best but i hope i dont get treated for it as that would incur more cost.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2008
  2. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy OutCaste,

    I'm not laughing at you. Sounds like things are kinda rough for you right now - it's not easy working through so much stress and get your degree especially if your parents aren't providing the support you need. I am 24 and also have no friends except for those on the forum - something that I think comes with depression. I too am struggling with college issues, the best advice I can give is 'don't give up' even though it may sound cliche. From the several times I've attempted I can tell you there is no such thing as a painless method - plus, as human beings we have built in survival instinct, which makes us want to stay alive even when things seem bleak. Right now I'm facing the very real possibility of homelessness because I have no money - I'm at the mercy of my family supporting me through my tough times right now - I know how vulnerable it can feel to be in that position of depending on family support.

    Is there anyone you trust that you could talk to? (I know people always ask this, but it really helps clear things up) If you want to talk or vent or anything feel free to PM or IM me.
  3. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    thanks gallaleni.

    Everyone says don't give up.

    But why should I persist with this suffering ? I just can't find a single convincing reason.
  4. seithkein

    seithkein Well-Known Member

    Hey man

    I'm not going to say that everything is going to be alright but what I will say is that I too have no friends and think that my death too is nearing. It will be up to you to make your decision about whether you will fight through life or off yourself. That's why we were given free choice. All I can say is that whatever choice you make I hope you peace and happiness. Good luck and I hope you work through your problems.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You mention that you are planning on starting your masters in computer science. If you are able to get out and go to classes and do what is necessary to accomplish your educational goals, it shows you are able to function outside of your home. You said that you purposely act like a freak to keep people from coming close to you. If you know you do this, then work on changing it. I am not saying it is easy, because it isn't. Don't let the bullies win. Perhaps you can meet new people at your new graduate school that are unaware of things from the past. This is the time for a fresh start. Don't let it go to waste. Your day will come. :hug:
  6. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Hypercritical parents can make you seek to avoid being hurt to the point where isolation is favorable. I experienced this (from my Dad) at your age. The hurt and vulnerability instilled in me was written on my face, in my body language and it was blood in the water for school bullies.

    You are very bright, certainly more courageous than you think, I hope in good physical health and most of all just starting in life. I hope you are in therapy, it really helps! Medications too even if only needed temporarily.

    My one reason for you to persist is you are young and there are ahead of you so many avenues to your true-to-yourself, meaningful life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2008
  7. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, this may not be much comfort but at least you seem to be intelligent and you actually can do something productive. If you can work through your problems and just get yourself a good job, I think you would at least feel some sense of accomplishment. I can't do anything. I'm as dumb as a fucking rock. Seriously. I can't do 5th grade math. I don't have any skills that are worth anything. I can't even get in a car and go for a drive because I'm epileptic.

    My advice would be to take advantage of your strengths. The things you know you can do. Ignore bullies. Yeah. They can make you feel like shit but if you let them keep you down, they win. The best way to get back at them would be to show them their bullying didn't accomplish anything.
  8. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    I made the decision to live by realizing that no matter how difficult things become in this world - I can still live through them - my time here on earth should count for something - that and death is painful and final - there is no way to experience anything different if you die young. Your suffering a lot right now - but if you can make it through that suffering just think about how much stronger you will be. And if for nothing else, live just to experience life no matter what it throws at you - when you die you die and hopefully that time will come once you've experienced a lot of what life has to offer. Hope that helps - I try not to be preechy - just hang in there and good luck.
  9. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Wanting to do things that others expect of you is a powerful negative motivator. Whatever school you choose, you need to find a way to get out of your abusive father's home. You don't need that and don't deserve it. I went half way across the states to college to get a break from my parents. Not because they were cruel - it was just a teenage act of seperating.

    I don't know how Villanova compares in the computer department with other schools who want you to come. That ought to be your guage if you can get financing. Don't let bullies or family hold you back from a great future. The problem lies with them, not you. They've just made you part of their problems, and it doesn't have to stay that way.

    Go for the best!
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