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I am very messed up and quite selfish.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lind, Dec 9, 2013.

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  1. lind

    lind New Member

    My info is pretty screwed even when I look at it.

    I have a good job, nice family and even have a recently invigorated sex life/ just f-buddys but still great,but I am still not interested if I am here or not.
    I drive my car on the edge a lot of the time but only when others are not around as I dont want to endanger anyone else.
    wear no seatbelt and take the car to the limit and daydream about blazing out in glory, even when Paul Walker recently died my words were 'respect'.
    I can see only peace and no more stress if anything went right, should that be wrong :S

    Outwardly I am friendly and cheerful, I dont mope about or whine about life, but inside I have a very dark soul - very dark!
    I know its quite selfish of me to be like I am and I should be greatful for the wonderful life that I have.

    I know most of you have reasons for wanting to exit so to speak so I must sound very selfish/childish.
    but behind these eyes lies a dark existence and a numb feeling of not belonging here.

    If anyone I know knew the real me they would be shocked beyond all comprehension as I am jolly in life, but still yearn for the end.

    WTF is wrong with me!
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    the way i see it lind... you are lonely even though you have people/things in your life that to most would appear as if you should be/are happy, you are not.. why? because you are lonely... and scared

    why are you lonely? because nobody knows the real you, therefore cannot really relate to you on a personal level and make you feel cared for

    why are you scared? cuz you think that ppl will run away and hide if you did let them know the real you

    is it possible they would do that? yes

    is there a solution? yes

    what is the solution?

    -- start off by telling them small things, make it come across at first like you're be "silly" , and when they remark on it as if its the silliest thing they ever heard.... tell them you are serious, you meant it, you really are that way... then when they ask why you feel that way about yourself, tell them the truth (of that one small detail)

    -- watch to see:
    a) their reaction: one of shock? understandable, one of disbelief? watch to see if that changes as you explain, if not.. that person really isn't your friend/confidant, one of mockery? ditch them, are they laughing? watch to see if that changes as you explain, if not... that person isn't really your friend/confidant, do they look serious as if thinking/contemplating? be sure to get their verbal reaction after explaining and see if they are being judgemental of you or simply trying to understand and/or accept, do they look concerned? understandable, a look of compassion/understanding/acceptance? this person is truly your friend and confidant
    b) who do they reveal the information to and for what reasons? if the reasons are anything other than to help you or cuz they are concerned for you.. dont trust them with confidential information anymore

    -- the ones that make it through step 1... start telling them things that are a little more private/sensitive but not to the point of being something that would totally break you if revealed, again watch for the same things as in step 1

    -- those that make it through step 1 and 2, you can now feel safe to reveal your innermost secrets to... again watch for the same things as in step 1, but if you notice adverse reactions, try to talk to them and sort it out... to keep them as friends but maybe drop back to only stuff from step 2 or step 1 for awhile til you feel you can trust them fully again

    -- now that you have figured out who u can and cannot trust/confide in from your original group of friends, go out and make more friends... but be honest with these friend from the very beginning, be yourself... and use the same method as described before to determine trust level, at first nothing that is of much importance be shared, then those things of lil importance, then those things of importance, then finally the things of most importance ...

    i think once you have people around you that you can be honest with and they can be supportive of you, you will find you are not in such a dark place anymore

    **also, if there are things you dont like about yourself, change them... there is nothing about yourself that is set in stone and you cant change... anything about your personality can be changed some things take help from counselors, other things you can do on your own... even your thought processes and speech patterns can be changed with the help of counseling.. you can change your appearance through cosmetic surgery, diet, excercise, tanning beds, make up, hair cuts/styles/dyes, etc... you can even change your gender if you want... when it comes to YOU , you are the boss... remember that and take the reins of control of your life
  3. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    Lind I swear you just wrote that from inside my head. Theres something calming about taking off your seatbelt and dicing with fate. Its almost like in that moment you accept everything even possibly death. Although I also do it, its not right. I think your problem is the same as me, you have isolated your self from your feelings so much that now you are nothing but an actor. Constantly playing your role instead of opening your self up to your real emotions. Protection?? Maybe bit if you figure it out let me know. I too am successful I earn more than both my parents put together, I have a nice house a nice car and the girl im seeing is a model. Yet I too feel the same as you. All I have arround me is part of the act. Im afraid id I show the real me its like unleashing the beast and I will ruii everything. Realy feel for you thought I was the only one.
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