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I am worried at my lack of caring

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People say they can see themselves gettin married,buying a house etc. Not me. I never have been able to "picture" my future. I have sought the proper help and have delt with many of my issues. That's good and I know its good but I feel like now that I have been ble to focus on the world the more it makes NOT want to be here. Is this why I can never "see" my future?? At first I though maybe I had a learning disability and just couldn't picture things in my mind. I don't have any develope mental problems and besides I'm not a half bad artist and have no problems seeing when I draw. Point is I'm worried at my lack of "seeing" any future for myself.

I feel like I have talked my spouse's head off(he is very supportive and has been with me through thick and thin) but I guess trying a new place to talk can't hurt. I don't have support from my sibling(we share very different views) and as for parents, my issues all stem from them and their addictions have them believing there are no issues and they were great to me. I'm so mad at them for having the luxury of denial and addiction to keep the truth hidden but I live with it everyday and like other victims of child abuse grew up,and still as an adult, feel guilt for their actions. I can not talk with them as several attempts to get them to join me in one of my therapy meetings proved fruitless and as I mentioned earlier they don't think there is a problem.
I know I am strong and have overcome a lot but its like I don't feel like dying, I don't feel like living. I have felt this way,and known it wasn't a healthy way to feel since the age of 8. I'm 30 in 9 days and I just don't see any reason to go on another twenty years feeling. like this. My spouse would be the only one who would notice and we can't even( and most like never will be able to) have a house,a real wedding or kids. It's like all the things we live for I already know I will never have so why live a pointless life?.


Staff Alumni
Welcome at SF :) ,

It takes a lot of time and lots of work to get over a past. And it may very well be that your parents will never admit to how they affected you. But at least you may be able to find peace for yourself. If you feel that you are overwhelmed, you might want to consult your gp if its not clinical depression. Sometimes talk therapy is not enough to get out of the rut. I wish you well and hope you'll find SF supportive. There is a lots of people here who share similar experiences.


Staff Alumni
hi Nikkibear.. welcome to here.. unfortunately one does not get to choose their parents.. gee i wish you and i could have though..

maybe some antidepressant meds might be able to help you some.. lots of htem adn takes some time with doc to finally find a good working combo.. hon there are lots of good people here that have a lot in common with you.. hope you get to a comfortable place here with them and that suicide forums proves to be a place where it is ok for you to let it out and just be you..

take care, later, Jim
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