I am....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nercababy, Jul 15, 2015.

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  1. Nercababy

    Nercababy New Member

    How can I feel so clear in the head and acknowledge my problems at the same time? They control me all the time, no matter what I do.

    I deal with addiction.
    I deal with anxiety.
    I deal with depression
    I deal with ADHD
    I deal with reality

    All of these take over my life, if it's not one it's the other.

    I've put my family, friends and boyfriend through hell. I am never happy with the simple things, I'm addicted to MORE no matter what it is.

    I feel I'm at rock bottom all over again. Im basically homeless, 27, with negative money in my bank account.

    I suppose I'm not completely homeless and sound selfish cause I do still have my belongings and my car including my stupid iPhone. The thing is these material items mean nothing to me but they are the only things keeping me from offing myself. They somehow all keep me linked to reality when I feel the closest to leaving earth.

    I hate it here, I hate my life in so many ways. I love the people in it, but I can't find happiness in myself. It's so dark. Everything that happens I get jealous or have hateful thoughts. This isn't right. I should be happy I'm young should be thriving on my twenties. This should be my prime, right? So why am I so miserable? Why does everything go to shit.

    Why can't I just have it all go my way and be simple and calm.

    Why do the people I love so much keep leaving me.

    I hate death I'm scared of it, yet I think of it every day. I think what if I just jump off this balcony, what if I crash my car right now, what if I jump in front of a movie g car, what if I go into the ocean as far as I can with no life jacket, What if I slit my wrists, what if I put a bag over my head, what if what if.....

    I think of it all everywhere all the time, I have since I was about 14 and I'm 27 I've made it this far, at what point is it my time? When is gods time for me to come... Cause life doesn't get easier it just gets more and more depressing.

    I think of all the people I'll hurt if I leave this world and it makes me hate myself more. Like how dare you, how dare you be so selfish and take u away from so and so...

    But then I think right back at it why am I living for them and not for me. It's this vicious cycle I can't get alway from.

    I'm weak I'm sensitive I feel I have nothing left. I can't be here any more.

    I just want to give up.
     
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Please don't give up. You're here for a reason. I may not know but one day you'll know. Just stay strong. I'm always here if you want to talk and want a friend.
     
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