I appreciate it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ventus, Nov 13, 2012.

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  1. Ventus

    Ventus New Member

    I was once told by a person who I really respect that suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do.

    I agree, especially if you have loved ones who will suffer after you're gone. It's thoughts like this that have kept me from falling into depression over the past few years. I also frequently remind myself that there are people who endure true suffering on a daily basis, whether it be starvation, personal loss, or torture.

    My primary reason for killing myself isn't due to a lack of love or attention. I'm single and I've never been interested in having a relationship. My problem is that I'm afraid of disappointing myself and the ones who have expectations of me (my loved ones). The last thing I want in this world is to be a burden or disappointment. You'd think if that were true, I'd be trying to better myself on a daily basis, but that isn't the case at all. I'm constantly making terrible mistakes and life decisions due to my social phobias, irrational fears, and self confidence issues.

    I'm currently a college student in my fourth year. I'll be graduating in the spring and I don't see myself landing job anywhere. Meanwhile I'm constantly kicking myself for not networking to find internships or ANYTHING. I have no reason to be afraid, but I am. I've always hated that part of me, and it's impact is only going to become more devastating when I'm handed the responsibilities of the real world.

    I feel incredibly selfish for making all these excuses, I feel selfish for whining about my 1st world problems on this forum; That's why suicide is becoming more and more appealing to me. If I'm already living such a pathetic self-absorbed lifestyle, why not just let it all end? Of course my suicide note would let my family know that it had nothing to do with them, and that they were one of the only great things about my life. That's the least I could do for them.

    I'm here because I want someone to know. Even if I don't know any of you, or will ever laugh or cry with you, it fills me with peace to know that my words will stay with you long after I'm gone.

    Don't get me wrong though, I'm not planning on doing anything any time soon. These are just thoughts that have been growing inside me over the past few months.
     
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Please hold on lovely, are you getting professional help? :hug: Here if you need to talk :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Facing the world after graduation can seem so overwhelming hun but take one day time ok. Get some help if you need to counselors at the school before graduation and use the supports while you have them to get things moving forward. You are not the only one that feels dread hun but try to to be consumed by what will be ok Just live in the present for now hugs
     
  4. Ventus

    Ventus New Member

    I've spoken with four therapists over the course of my life. While I think it was great to be able to let out all my darkest secrets and fears, in the long run nothing has really changed. I'm the same person I was before I went into therapy.

    Thank you for your kindness and understanding though.
     
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