i attempted last night.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by kote, Jun 13, 2011.

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  1. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i attempted last night.
    i had hit the bottom and saw no other way. i was rushed to the hospital by my brother in law with my wife.
    i managed to talk the dr. into letting me out early. she wanted me in for at least another two days if not a week. but i gave her my method to dispose of.
    they were more concerned about my method and its symtoms than the actual attempt. so i was treated nice by them.
    i have to see my regular dr. on friday to discuss it all.
    i was so close too, but my support network kicked in and took charge.
    i will go into more details for you all when i get my head round it myself.
    ive got no major revolations about after attempts now, but im sure once its spun around in my head for a while i can give you some more insight.
  2. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    **hugs** fellow.

    How are you holding up right now? How are you feeling?

    Things seemed to be going fairly good too, but i understand XXXX

    If you feel that poorly again, can you come here and try to talk first? Will you be okay until you speak with your doc?

    I worry about you!!
  3. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    im so glad you have such a strong support network to rely on when rationality isnt easy.

    least they wernt perjudice or jugemental :)

    Stay Safe
    :hugs: to you and your network for keeping you safe
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2011
  4. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Neanderthal,I am glad you're alive(sorry).
    I am sorry life mistreated you.
    You are an innocent soul who just desires peace.
    I hope you'll find it this time around,babe. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2011
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    Re: i attempted last night. *possibley triggering!!!*

    ok so here goes please try to read it all.
    1st i had been feeling off for 3 days for no reason at all.

    i tried everything which usually pulls me back, exercise - a lovely night of kendo. it just didnt feel right. then a morning of gambling for the thrill ( the cash was already written off just for the thrill ) worked a little but still felt the same. then my meds - no luck. finally a few beers and relaxing watching the sunset but nothing. i still felt odd and out of it. so i just went to bed to sleep and stay safe. things started running through my head and after 6 years of this id had enough. im diabetic *a little hint at my method - no more. anyway my blood sugar dropped to 33 the last i checked and probably lower when i was rushed to hospital by my brother in law. i was shaking and sweating all over - if my wife had let me go to sleep i would be dead. or best in a coma.
    they worked fast at the hospital. they were injecting glucose or something directly into my jugular. i counted 25 times as it was extremely painful. next all i can remember was extreme pain as they were trying to insert a cathater. now that was so painful i told them to stop. they thought i was going into a coma and it was needed. but they stopped thank god. then i woke in a bed with 2 drips one in my arm and one in my jugular. it was all just a blur and i didnt feel any emotion to it and still dont yet. i just wanted to sleep and it all be over. i managed to talk them into letting me go - i handed them my method bag and promised not to try again. i now have no method at all as pills dont work. i have to see my dr. on friday - could have seen him today but it was my daughters observation. i explained to them that my diabetes had got bad so they are unaware of what i did intentionally. ive letters for my head dr. and my diabetic dr. from the hospital.
    i still dont comprehend the whole situation. i have no emotions about it and i cant point any fingers apart from im tired of fighting for 6 years.
    i feel numb still!!! ive upset all my support network and dissapointed them. i had been improving too in every situation and then boom it just hits me.

    my advice for others - i found a painless method but really it was the pain i caused others and also the pain of getting me stable again. also from now the pain of embarassment from now on. any other methods i can see there being much more pain so please dont go down that road.

    im just numb to it all and my wife has taken the week off to care for me. all i need is sleep so i hope she can get some rest as i must have really upset her. my brother in law said he could understand the situation if it had been him. all the drs. and nurses were very kind. others i dont know yet how they feel but i hope for understanding.

    im sorry to everyone!!! i still feel as i did but cant put everyone through it again. i was weak!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2011
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey fellow, you know what? It's a bit of a step back but, you can lunge forward again. Don't let it eat at you. Try to find some balance again, focus on those young ones, and the things that you really enjoy doing. Can you throw yourself back into the Kendo? Likely a bit weak right now?


    I'm glad you don't have that anymore. Too tempting. I went down that road once :( (true confessions yikes). Are you going to fess up to doc? Is wife being okay with this...gentle with you?

    Is it possible to address that feeling you have and had? I know sunset + a few stiff drinks would umm, get me in the mood quickly. Perhaps avoid that for a bit? Plus, the alcohol is crap for diabetics. xx

    Can you get stabilized like, focus on eating right, rest (you still have meds to sleep?), get back to Kendo? Do you walk in the woods when it is not Winter? Not sure how safe that would be either though...I get too much of that awe and connection with the universe when i do that lol....if i feel great it's fine if i am depressed it spirals me.

    I've been locked in my room in bed recently too.

    Can i do anything? I worry about you :console:
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: i attempted last night. *possibley triggering!!!*

    you have something to live for. sadly, i dont. your story makes me realize my death means nothing to no one. i have no support network. no one will visit me in a hospital. when i off myself i leave behind nothing. im sick of this. you must go on for your family.
  8. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    :hug: I have read your posts, and I am glad you are still here.

    Your family and wife care about you a lot, and I hope you recover well

    Take care :hug: xx
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    How are you doing today Neanderthal?

  10. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i spent a day in contemplation as i see my dr. tomorrow.
    if he asks do i feel suicidal still.
    my honest answer is very much so.
    my main methods have been taken away but i have other ways.
    im only holding on for my family but the thread is getting thinner day by day.
    having attempted and being very close im no longer afraid. this is the danger.
    i know the damaged ive caused and will cause if i go through with it.
    but im suffering too.
    i seriously doubt i will get through the week without another more serious attempt.
    i have no plan which is worse im acting on impulse right now and nothing can help.
    we have a weekend away with the whole family playing kendo - but that could either pull me up or trigger me.
    i gone through everything in my mind and the only conclusion is a conclusion!!!
    im just so tired of everything and being in a body which wont repsond to my mind. impossible to move during the am. and pm just in bed till the family gets home and then its 2 hrs and bed again. rinse and repeat for 6 years and surely thats enough to drive anyone over the edge.
    im sorry to everyone here who have really helped. when i attempt again i guess it will be the final one.
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I understand. I've been stuck in bed far too much this year. It gets depressing. I know for you, it's been going on even longer than that. I know you are tired of this. :hug: ...but keep in mind all the little victories and good things that have happened. So many little things in your life seem to be getting better. There have been some bright spots.

    Will you tell your doc that you have other methods? Let your loved ones know how intense the feelings are? Let them help keep you safe?

    Look, I know you are feeling impulsive, but could you try to over-ride that feeling so that when you get there, you either come here to sf and talk, call your doc, or tell someone? :hug: I am really concerned about you and i do not want you to hurt yourself or worse :no:

    Try to enjoy the weekend. Focus on those young ones. Watch their spirits, their eyes, feel their energy and love. You are a an awesome father and so very important to those girls.

  12. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im feeling better after seeing my dr. and a few injections and a drip also a change of meds. i will post more details later when i can.
    i really appreciate all the time and effort you have given towards me. i really do!!!

    this is for tomorrow - :yay:
  13. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    nean. mate.. you know im just a pm away.
    you have friends, we care. we want you here and we want yiu safe..
    take care alright?
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    YAY!! I am glad the meds helped. I hope they continue to help. Have a great weekend at Camp! Let me know how it goes. I do hope you have great fun.

  15. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    glad youre alive and feeling better, buddy. :hug:
  16. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i also thought that being a diabetic i would have an easy option out of everything. but even the easy way out has its problems. i think the worst was when i checked my blood sugar myself and saw 33 and that was just after i had injected my 3rd load - 66 clicks of humalog. i knew i was about to crash and go into a coma. the shakes and sweats were so bad as was the shock and realization of that there was no turning back beyond this point. if my wife hadnt been there i would have gone for sure. but thats when it starts to get really hard and painful. the hospital did their very best and were extremely kind. but the methods used to bring me back were just as extreme as any other suicide method and reversal.
    i saw my dr. and changed my meds and i had a weekend of exercise and i feel a whole different person right now. what really hurts now its the hurt ive caused others and knowing i will never be able to earn that trust back. thats the true mental anguish!!! i feel sorry for those who had to carry me and basically wipe my arse - thats what it feels like as they didnt deserve to be put through a nightmare like that. i was in and out of conciousness so at the time was unaware of it all but now it has hit home hard.
    they didnt know whether id live or die at that moment for however many hours it took. still they are very worried.
    if any of you ever fell the same as i did please get coucilling even if its over the internet - i did this 6 years ago and it really helped. also open up to people on here. they will go out of their way to give you their time as we are all in the same boat.
    i made a promise not to commit again - although i know the feelings will come back. i do have a path out of this hole though and thats through my hobbies. im addited to kendo and its an ever learning curve and i can put in as much as i can and still get more back.
    stay around and if you do feel like you are going to commit i may be around so send me a message any time and we can chat. i wont be judgemental and i wont push you. i will just show kindness and understanding!!!
  17. kote

    kote Account Closed

    also now being on victoza for my diabetes - its impossible to use that medication to OD - the symptoms are vomiting so badly that you need to be hospitalized to treat the sickness. no risk of death. so i had my chance and now that window has passed i have to work hard to move on up.
    so i ask you all for support on the days i feel down and in return i will be there for you whenever you need someone for however long it takes. i have a lot of time for everyone here!!! thank you all!!!
  18. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Neaderthal, haven't seen you in a while in chat, didn't know what was going on. I am so sorry you are struggling. There are many here who care and would like to help. Me for one. I'm in chat a lot or you can send a pm.

    Hope you are doing better today.
  19. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i took a week to recover and for the penny to actually drop as to what i did.
    at first i felt no emotions towards my actions and others at all - but now its all coming to me. so far not too over whelming. i managed to have a really good weekend at an intense kendo camp. this has brought my spirits up.
    also my kayak is sat on top of my car which is full of petrol and all the gear inside to camp anywhere. ive just bought the redbull to give me the kick up the ass to get up and out.
  20. kote

    kote Account Closed

    thank you all for your time, efforts, thoughts and help!!!

    you are all wonderful!!!
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