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i belong here for a bit

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Hey all. I am not feeling very understood at this moment in my life. I recently hit an all-time low that we think is related to a medication issue (I am not on psych meds, but meds for other issues), but I'm not so sure. I am under a considerable amount of stress not being able to pay bills or work due to my health as well. For some background, here is an intro about me from another forum: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=201522

Anyway, the past few months, I have just been inconsolable. I cry over every.thing. I can't bring myself to manage my medical issues and I am terrified all day, every day with occasional panic attacks or flashbacks. It's like my brain has betrayed me. In the middle of all this, I developed a sudden onset of paranoia - the "govt" (some collective entity) wants to kill me by withholding treatment or denying insurance claims or by poisoning my food.

I began seriously considering suicide. In the past, I wanted the pain to end. I couldn't stand the emotional dysregulation and the fact that I was so haunted by my past. This time is different. Now, on top of that nonsense, I am living with an illness that is slowly shutting my body down and there is no way to stop it. I went from a physically health, active college student to *this* in a period of about 4 years. I can't handle it, and honestly, I don't *want* to anymore. I'm bored with it all and simply exhausted. I'm ambivalent and apathetic and just feel like a drain on society. I'm not contributing because I am unable to work and I feel so emotionally needy at times that I just suck the life out of people. It's almost feels like nothing anyone can say can make me feel better and I'm sure they are fed up with my talk of ending it all, so I've just stopped talking. I don't want to seem like I am emotionally manipulating anyone because in reality, I don't want a reason to stay, I just want someone to say that they understand why I want to check out instead of freaking out and talking about putting me in a hospital.

I do see a therapist weekly who is a graduate student at my local university. She is concerned I believe because she has never seen me so defeated, and I guess I never *have* been so defeated.

I don't know what is going on anymore. I want a brain transplant.
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