My last suicide attempt was 12 years ago. My friends found me just in time. They got me to a good Dr. It took 2 years to get my life on track. Once again I've destroyed my life. It's a compulsion. I have to self-destruct. I've had it good for 10 years and now poof. I got fired, I am losing my house. I just know that even if this moment passes there WILL be another. I don't want to have another crisis no matter how many good years come between. I've thought a lot about shooting myself, but I never got a gun because I knew if it was in the house I would absolutely pull the trigger. I wish to g-d I had died 12 years ago. For that matter I wish my first attempt at suicide when I was 8 had worked. When I think of all the pain I have had since being 8 it makes me sick. I've had enough. I bought a gun. When the paperwork clears I'll take it home. And then maybe, finally I have peace.