I break my own stuff sometimes...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Blacksheep, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. Blacksheep

    Blacksheep Well-Known Member

    i have been doing this for years...ill be sitting there, reading a book, watching tv, playing a game, whatever...and suddenly, out of nowhere, ill get the urge to break something.
    like once, when i was little, i had this toy that i would play with all the time. and one day, when i was playing with it, i just broke it in half. i have no idea why i did it. i regreted it afterwards.
    and a few years later i was playing a video game. i cant remember what it was...some platformer. well i decided, what the hell...and i took it out, and smashed it.
    and throughout the years, i have ripped shirts apart, burned shoelaces, i have torn birthday cards in half, cut controller cords, and snapped cds.
    i demolished my ps2 a few years ago, with a stick we use to lock our back door. just took it out back, and smashed it to bits.
    and just the other day, i used the the replacement stick,(the old one broke after i used it on the ps2), and used it on my nintedo ds. it worked perfectly, nothing wrong with it...i even have a new game. i just decided...screw it. its toast...my dad bought me that thing...i cant believe it. im crying now just remembering how i felt when i did it. how excited my dad was when he got it for me. im such a bastard.
    is there a name for these impulses? i tried to look it up but i couldnt find anything.
     
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I do get urges to break shit sometimes, like the chuck my computer out the window if it's being crap for I get urges to hit something. But i never get violent, i control myself. The only urges i carry out are to cut myself.
     
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    OK. Please try to calm down, because this is not (IMO) that unusual.

    Think about the "WHY".

    What are you feeling precisely at the time you destroy something?

    This is the key.

    What triggers you to do it? What makes you want to destroy that which you love? (You have already said that you remember and cherish the moment -when your dad gave a gift to you, and then you trashed it). What are you thinking at the time?

    So basically,

    1.) You trash things you like/love

    2.) These things have been given to you by people you like/love (your Father, for example-very important)

    So you have an uncontrollable urge to destroy things that are important to you, and you follow through on these urges, even though you secretly know that they are important to you, or that the people who gave them to you are important.

    My opinion: For some reason, you want to destroy your past. Not only your past, but the people associated with that past.

    -Do you not think you deserve these things?

    -Do you feel badly about the people who gave them to you?

    -Do you feel like you do not deserve the love/respect of the people who provided you with these things, and thus feel the need to destroy them?

    :) Take Care and think closely about this. I believe you will be O.K. :)
     
  4. Blacksheep

    Blacksheep Well-Known Member

    i think that i resent my happy memories. and i destroy the things that are connected to them. but why the hell would i hate my happy memories? shouldnt i be treasuring them?
     
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    The truth is, you are punishing yourself...why?
     
  6. Blacksheep

    Blacksheep Well-Known Member

    cuz im such a damn failure. i just sit at home all day long. other people function correctly. they go to work, socialize, go on dates, drive cars, they live life while i watch it go by. im just a freeloader who is sucking my moms money away and...and i dont know.
    i havent bathed in 2 weeks. i havent shaved in a month. i havent brushed my teeth in years.
    all i have ever done is just sat there, floating along waiting for someone to throw a rope around me and pull me to shore. but nobody will. i dont know how to swim. eventually, the ocean is gonna swallow me whole. i hate myself so much. and my dad hates me now too...i always thought that he loved me, only that he prefered to distance himself from me. i figured thats what everyones dad did. but now i know better. he never wanted me. and i look just like the bastard. i see his face whenever i look in the mirror. i hear his voice whenever i speak. i even have his goddamn name. and now i know he prefers my brother over me. he said so himself. hes just ashamed that his oldest child turned out to be such a flop. my dad is a terrible movie, and im the crappy, underfunded sequel. ive won all the razzies.
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Such urges and impulses are not that uncommon. And perhaps what you have been through in the past is the key to understanding why you do these sort of things.
     
  8. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Perhaps a good start would be when you try to take care of urself, bathing, washing, brushing teeth etc.This might be the first step in your self healing???
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You should make a promise to yourself that you will do one of these things each day for the next 3 days: Shave, shower and brush your teeth. No wonder you feel like shit! Definitely start by taking care of these things and it is miraculous how much better you will feel.
     
  10. Blacksheep

    Blacksheep Well-Known Member

    i never realized that this was my problem...
    i can look back at so many terrible situations...and most of them come from my lack of general hygiene...why didnt i see it before?
    christ i feel like such a dumbass now...
    how could i be such a damn fool?
    and why dont i already take care of these things? shouldnt this already be part of my routine? did i miss that class or what...
     
  11. Some have ALOT of things on they're mind. In that case it's easy to forget certain things As for breakin it could be misplaced anger, could be dissastifaction, it could be bottled up feelings. Could be you think something lie you don't deserve so&so
     
  12. brod

    brod New Member

    For some reason (I think I know the reason, but it's complicated) I've started disposing of all my stuff, but not really in anger. I've just trashed or given away most of the stuiff I've accumulated - furniture, clothes, electricals and anything else you can imagine. The house is pretty empty.
     
  13. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Anastasia - I have a very similar condition to what Blacksheep describes and believe me, I only wish it were that easy. Sometimes, I can pull myself out of it for a while but I always fall right back into it. Truth be told, I don't want to do anything but sit here and just be. That's the only way I can ever be happy. I know that sounds bad to other people who have no comprehension of how Paralyzing it is.

    I don't have it quite as bad as Blacksheep. I do shower about twice a week and brush my teeth occasionally and shave when I start to get scruffy. But I don't really want to and don't see the point.
     
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