I came back, am happy, but still want to do it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by YouMightSaveALife, Feb 8, 2009.

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  1. Last year in May I hit rock bottom. I was thinking about how am I going to do it every day. At school grades slipped, because I wasn't paying attention. I planned it for weeks and then one day I told my mom I was going to school, but actually I wasn't. I had written her and my friend a good-bye letter a day before. So, I left home, to kill myself, but instead of going to where I was supposed to do it, I went to sit next to the lake that is in my town and I was thinking of my life. I was thinking about what do I have to lose. I was thinking there for couple of hours and then decided to go home. I was scared to go home, because I didn't know whether my mom had found the letter or not. I was standing for quite some time behind the door and listening if she was at home, but she wasn't because she was looking for me. I text her that I'm home and that I'm sorry. It was heartbreaking to see her face, I was so ashamed of what I did.
    I told her what went wrong and I changed school. It got better after that, but now I feel depressed again. I think like what will the future bring, I'm so scared of starting my own life, like being all independent.
    I'm fat and ugly, others say I'm pretty, but I sure don't feel pretty. I photoshop my pictures, to make myself look pretty (like make the skin beautiful, eyes shiny/pretty, make myself skinnier).
    Now I think like, what would the life be like now, when I was dead and all. I think I wanna go to the train station right now and do it. But at the same time I'm scared. It seems to me that there is some unfinished business for me, but I think that is school. I want to graduate from school. this is where I think my life ends.
    I think I came back because of my mom. I'm an only child and I don't want to hurt her.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You did the right thing by not going to the place you had planned. Your mother loves you more than you know. When she was carrying you for nine months she created that bond between you. When you are down don't feel ashamed ask her if you can have a serious talk.
    You sound like you are very computer literate. Have you thought about going to school to be a programmer, or an animater, or whatever other feilds that may interest you. It would be a good long term goal for you to acheive. Right now set small ones that you can accomplish to help pick your self esteem back up. We are always here for you to talk to and we are good listeners. I wish you all the best...~Joseph~
  3. But I am ashamed, I can't help it. Tough I hate it.
    I like photography, I wanna go to this photo school in my town, but that means meeting new people and all, my life will change again and I don't like changes at all. I would go to high school forever with the ones in my class, but that's impossible.
    Thank you for your advice and reply...
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    you will have to change eventually so best do it asap, and when you can handle it. even though you changed schools it doesnt mean your feelings go. you probably ned to see someoen to talk about it all, a therapist would help.

    if you like photography do it. do what makes you happy, the friends and people will come soon after it hun :hug:
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, YMSAL. I'm sad to hear that you're feeling low. What happened last May is in the past, and we can't change that. We can move forward, though. Forgive yourself instead of feeling ashamed. You had a rough time, but you got through it, right?

    I'm not fond of changes myself - at least not "unexpected" changes. If I know there will be some changes, I try to set small goals that help me feel I have some control over things. Also, sometimes it helps a bit to adjusting my thinking - instead of "huge, scary change," I try to think "adventure and challenge." (OK. It's still a bit scary, but if it's an adventure/challenge, it's also exciting.)

    Besides, just because things change doesn't mean the change will be bad. Sometimes it's fun to have new things going on! :smile:

  6. But when I changed school, I felt like so much better. It was like I was so happy and now it starts all over again.
    I don't want to talk to a therapist, they all say the same thing to me; to get over it.
  7. I got it through for a while, now it's back. I can't concentrate on my studies anymore and anything. grades are slipping and that makes even more frustrated.

    I can't think of a change as an adventure, challenge... because I just can't. I'm like freakin' scared of everything -.-

    To me, changes are most of the times bad.

    But, thank you for you're advice on how I should think and all :smile:
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Aw, hun. I see a bright young person, who writes well, is polite, and is doing her best. I think you've got a lot going for you. Certainly enough that you could deal with changes when they come. Changes might be scary, but I get the sense that you really want to get through these ones, even though you're scared right now.

    Could you focuc on today instead of the past or the future? Really, today is the only day we know we have. The past is gone, tomorrow hasn't arrived. So what can you do today to stem the anxiety? What things usually distract you from your worries? A comedy movie? A good book? Chatting with mates?

    I hope you feel less stressed and depressed soon. :hug:
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i know how you feel with being scared by everything, i dont go outside my bedroom apart to use the toilet atm. i just cant face down stairs in my house let alone outside.
    your last school change helped short term, you need help with the long term, a therapist can help you there, also if it was good to begin with, who's to say the photography school wont be good period. its what you want to do, it will be your future, it is something you enjoy so it can help you through the bad times.

    your scared, which is allowed, but what have you to loose? :hug:

  10. what if I don't fit in in photography school?
    I will lose everything, that will probably bring me so down again...
  11. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    you think too much of 'what if' situations. :dry: why dont you just follow your passion and do what you really want? if u are worried you dont fit it, then think of ways of fitting in and keep trying. Try the " Continuous Improvement" method. Everyday, you reflect on where you went wrong and continue to improve each day for the better. In not time, you'd be bouncing all over. Have some confidence in yourself. Low-self esteem aint going to get you nor anyone of us anywhere.
  12. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member


    It's understandable that after having problems at one school you'll be afraid of fitting in and so on. You have to come across new and different experiences, and meet strangers all your life. It might be scary, but the more you do it the easier it gets. This photography school sounds like it'll really be up your street, and you'll be around more like-minded people, no? I'm sure you'll go and never look back!

    I went through my school years absolutely hating it, I was constantly bullied, I developed agoraphobia, I became very underweight because I spent hours on the loo in the morning because I was so anxious! Absolute hell. Now I'm at university and it's brilliant, even though I never had high hopes about it, I simply dreaded it. However I got my arse out of bed and on the train in the morning with all my nerves, and now I have friends, and am enjoying my course.

    As for your depression now, I think it is best you find a therapist to chat to on a regular basis. I saw that you wrote they tell you to 'get over it,' - but I think that's either a misinterpretation on your part which is fair enough given your state of mind, or extremely unprofessional and something you're not usually supposed to find with therapists. So I say give it another go, and you have to do it for you, not your mum. Forget the feelings of guilt as it's unnecessary. You can only do good for others by looking after yourself first. You may find medication helpful if you chat to your GP.

    Take care:smile:

  13. Thank you. :smile:
  14. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    im glad u came back hun, omg i love photography too. visit my art/photography url and check it out anytime. lol
    if u like to do something darl u carry on doing it. i love art, both my parents hate it, but i dont let them stop me. i carry on doing it. nothings going to make u down, have a positive mind u'll do well

  15. :smile:
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