I came close to ending it this afternoon...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Moat, Dec 29, 2015.

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  1. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Anxiety, depression, you name it, they all hit me at once, like a wrecking ball that i actually went beyond thinking and planning to dit tonight, since everything that has happened recently just hit me without any warning and even had a fool-proof way to do it (which I will not post, because it might give others members on SF the same ideas).
    Honestly, I am afraid of the act or going throg with it, but I do not know what stop me, but at the time, I was glad that I did not do it, but now i am thinking the same thoughts where i should just go ahead on a spur-of the moment and just do it...

    I know that in chat, a lot of people like me, because of my sense of my sense of humour, but part of that is a front, just to stop everyone in chat from thinking of pain and anguish I am going through.... I am on medication, but they do not help all that much and one of them even makes you even more depressed as a side effect).
    In chat, I might seem bubbly and takative and fun to talk with,... I have always alone know always known that I will alone. It is depressing,it is disgusting to think that like most timeS
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I should habve known no one would would reply and just view the thread - it is not like I am worth anything, much less anyne to ay even a kind word, o I do not even know why I bothered posting this thread.
    #Makes me feel even shitter now, with no one replying. aI did not do it earlier tonight, but it look ike with no replies nd only views, then i ight as well go ahead anf attempt it tomorrow as well. ai doubt anyone would even care if I will succeed not, but ending it just to stop from being ignored all my living life has come to to this. I am used to it, so if I do go and try it again tomorrow, then I do not expect anyone to miss me when I am gone.Oh well tomorrow is nothing;
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I only just saw this thread Moat. You are worth a lot! Usually the people in chat (who all adore you!) are not so much 'forum people' but that doesn't meant they don't care about you. Lots of people will miss you if you are gone - I would miss you if you were gone.
    2 people like this.
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Moat, I believe that a lot of people care about you! I was posting on another person's Post I came back to you and saw your 2nd post, I believe that you have posted to me on occasion, I have only used Chat once so I Have not seen you on there, as far as I know, I would have said something sooner, I am still waking up! I do not have an anxiety condition, That I know of, at times I have suffered from it, I do use humor as a Shield at times, well it is my biggest Shield as a matter of Fact, Like that Old Song I am A / The Great Pretender, I have pretended for so long that I no longer know who or what I am. I don't know if I really still exist! I know that I Am Alone I live in the woods away from everyone sometimes my road does not get plowed for almost a week one time it was 14 days, I had to have a bulldozer one time come in so I could get in and out! well several times actually. If I did not have my cats I do not think I would still be around any more! I Know Why you Posted this Thread,
    It is because right now you are depressed and experiencing the effects of that depression, but that is just a symptom, You Feel Alone You are reaching out to us, I am Here, I have not that I remember talked or posted you, I may have I cannot remember, please forgive me if you or I have, I thought you had posted once on my Profile, I looked but I could not find it. That is a symptom of my advanced age, nothing more, it is certainly no reflection on you! To read back some of what you wrote, or to answer it I Would Care If you Hurt yourself, I am sure there are a lot of others here that would, we in this Chat have a tendency to getting attached to others here, we feel comfortable with them, we get wrapped up in our own little world and see others but like trees we do not miss them until they are gone, we notice they are not there then we wonder what happened to them. I have done that, We get caught up in the every day role that we play in life and do not see the Forest because of the trees, we see them but don't know that we do! You are worth something I have many times seen you on someones post leaving comments, I am leaving one on your posting not because it is something I have to do. I am posting because you are someone I know, Maybe I do not know you Well but I do know you! You are and have been here a lot longer then me You have made an impact on here, I can't even begin to guess how many people you have talked to or made laugh or smile, I have not had interactions with you I guess in Part because I do not participate in chat like you do! I am talking to and with you now because You are Hurting, That I know, That I feel , I am sorry, I am responding, I and Others Do and will Care About YOU! Please do not hurt or harm Yourself! Please Stay and Talk with us, we do want you here, there are people that may Need to hear or feel your Humor, don't walk away! Please!
    2 people like this.
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I understand what you are saying and and I agree with you, but when it comes to when people disappear and everyone else who has had a long (or even brief) history with people they meet and form attachments to start to wonder why someone no longer appears... It is most likely just part of my mind-set, but even though I am well known in chat these days and seem to make a lot of people happy, I stll cannot shake the feeling that if I disappear for a week or two, then people will question it, but after that, all I will become in the memories of others is that unremembered member to whom no one can remember the name of any more and just be forgoten in due time as new members sign up (which is not a bad thing, because new members need a lot more help on SF because they are only just starting to combat their own problems). And me... whatever I have done here, for good or worse here, in the forums or in the chat...will be like that analogy (is it an analogy?) that after a time, people will just forget me and leave me, like so many others have done in the past, not just on-line but the real World too.
    It just makes me feel that everything in my life is going nowhere and even I try, nothing works out as it should and that it has come to the point where, if I do not do any drastic action (you all know what I am referring to there), then my only other choice at escapism is to get out of town, live the life of a hermit... That way, I do not have to worry about interracting with anyone and live a life that, which lonely, just seems right now to suit me perfectly...

    Then again, the truth is, I really do not know what I want, if it is to leave this World or escape and live the life of a hermit or something else else entirely...I do not know, maybe it is the medication's side effects that are making me feel this way, because they bring out all of the worst possible scenarios in my head that stay buried whenever I do not have my medication to combat this anxiety and depression, but I really just cannot see any way out other than those two choices of leaving the World or leaving society altogether and living a hermit's life, so I never have to see or speak with another person the rest of my life... and in Australia, big and the vast majority of it empty of cities and towns, like Western Australia, the Northern territory, Queensland or even the west coast of Tasmania... they are the places where anyone could go and not be seen for years on years...
    Truthfully, I do not know what it is what I want. The forums are a good place to air your troubles and problems and the chat system is grouse (that is Aussie lslang for 'great') to talk in Real-Time with other members but just these insecurities, like people say they enjoy talking to me in the chat system... I know that everyone who says that I am fun and funny to talk with in there means it wholeheartedly, but there is like a switch in my mind which switches and just makes me not believe people are sincere when they say that, even wen I know that is rubbish...

    I guess I am going through, right now, the first Dark Shadow of the Soul that I have not experienced in almost a year and a half and no one to talk to about it who genuinely cares (with exception of some people who have turned out to be great friends t=who would bend over backwards (not literally) to listen and do their best to help me (those people who they are)

    I jst do not not know what to do with this feeling right now and it does not look like it is going to go away for quite some time. :-(
    I might log-into the chat system in a bit, after these pain killers for my throbbing headache have kicked in, but for now, with it being only 6:30 in the AM... and how I am feeling now, I might just curl up on the lounge in the lounge room and watch a few episodes of father Ted, since that sow has given me the motivation to break out of this in the past... just hope it works this time around...

    Thank you kindly, Freya and True-Lee, for your words; you do both really do know how symphasise and do your best to help anyone and anyone and everything. *hug
  6. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    Hi Moat, your not alone, I've been struggling for days now can't get, don't want to get out of bed, just don't want to be here anymore, don't enjoy life, just wish there was a switch you could just press, like you when I'm out with friends it takes your mind of things, but when your at home on your own it's a different matter, I'm really really struggling at the moment, I can't do anything silly because my daughter would find me, and I can't do that to her, so to keep my daughter torment free I've got to continue to endure it, love the girl to bits but I in such torment, can't tell her how I feel it would kill her, split up with her mother years ago, I'm so down at the moment this is the first time I've told the truth on this site. Sorry I've not helped you at all,just put my crap on you, dreading tomorrow
    2 people like this.
  7. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    No worries, you did not 'just put my crap on you' - we all have different life style, some with little children and some without, and i can understand where you are coming from. Where I in your position and had a little girl that i was raising, i would be much like like you and keep all that pain and torment inside just to spare her from having to deal with it also, so in that regard, you are a strong person indeed.
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  8. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    Thanks for that Moat, appreciate your words, makes me feel a bit better, I also love watching father ted, so if your comment in a earlier post, take care
  9. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    Moat, from what I can gather here is that you are trying to hope that someone out there appreciate you for the real you and that your presence in this world matter and makes a difference. Your presence in this world does make a difference this is not what is to question, what is to question is, how much of a impact does it actually have, how much will I be remembered, a day, a week? Who will even care anyway? But what difference do it make anyway?

    I get a sense that perhaps you have no one you truly feel you can call a friend? No one that makes you feel they actually care? You may or may not have such person. There is always someone that cares about us but not the way we would want it to be. Many times it is true that you may actually feel alone because you actually TRULY alone. Because you don't have anyone who cares, like a family who can understand you or real friend who will support you whatever happens to you. Now although this might be a VERY valid reason to feel depressed and wanna end you life, know that, it is a void that only YOU have the power to fill.

    Who knows, you could find a soulmate some day, you could find a friend or a sibling but who knows when that person could turn away from you? These are reasons to feel sad and depressed but not a reason to not have a drive to live. You need to value yourself, to live life to its fullest as you can for you own benefit. I don't know what your problems are, it seems you have more then depression and solitude going on. I am getting that you keep saying you should go be an hermit so I'm guessing financial stuff might be going on? Is there not something that makes YOU wanna live life for your own enjoyment? Something you like to do, a passion, an art, a subject, something you would love to be able to accomplish, a goal, a desire. These fulfillments are what makes us who we are and what we seek to become and it is not relevant to rather anyone cares for us or not.

    Is it possible no one would care in the end? In some case it might be, that doesn't mean its YOUR case.
    So is it possible no one really cares? IT COULD BE, BUT that only gives you a reason to feel depressed, because lets be honest, it is depressing to be alone if you actually are alone, sometime you aren't but you feel this way. But regardless of if you were to really be alone or not, this is never a reason to end it. Because you are seeing as "trying to have a meaning in someone's heart" where as you should seek life to live your own meaning "w/e it is that drives you to have fun".

    And dont worry is someone dont see your thread quickly or at that time. Life can be a real bitch and it is not necessarily that no one cares or cared. It doesn't mean that everything in this world is rotten it's just that hey, no one was reading your thread at THIS time or it could be that god had a really bad day and decided to be a bitch and made sure that any chance you had to have anyone say "hey, you matter to me" was shut off from you. Yeah god isn't always playing it nice.

    Be well, become what you seek to be for your greatest pleasure.
  10. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

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