My husband of only a year and two months came home from work and said "I'm done" and me being who I am thought he meant done with work. Unfortunately for me and most of my family he meant done with me, done with marriage, done. My best friend of 14 years stayed until she "knew I'd be okay". I called "the husband" and asked him in a calm clear voice " Please come back for tonight I don't want to be alone." He in a more calm voice said "no." I didn't cry. I logged on to yahoo to talk to a few friends. I talked to a friend I'll call "B". B and I talked about how he would come comfort me if he lived closer and he was sorry for the pain but things would get better ( I do really hate that statement ). "The husband" logged onto yahoo and we talked about if I was going to be okay. Honestly I don't remember much of the conversation because I had taken 54 Ativan. I maximized the window and made the font larger( my vision was blurry ). Then I felt the pain again, the pain of being alone. I wanted to stop the pain. Tylenol Quick Release Tabs. I had a full unopened larger bottle ( I don't know the mg or number of pills) I took them all (other than the three or four I found on the floor cleaning today ) During this time " the husband" who was at his brothers about 35 minutes away called 911 and I still don't know what he told them but I kept swallowing. Lamictal about 50 25 mg tabs. I had three 20mg celexa left. I swallowed. I got up and got more water. I stumbled back to the computer and logged into my myspace and started a blog ( which I don't know what happened to ). I also took 10 Dayquil. The big orange ones. I don't know the mg of those either. I had a bottle of Restoril ( about 30 pills I don't know the mg )sitting in front of me and three packages of lexapro ( samples from when I was on it in July ) and a starter pack of Lamictal. There may have been more but I didn't have a chance to take them. MA'AM LACI I hear someone come in the front door and I know the drill ( this wasn't my first attempt ). I stumble in and everything starts to get really faint. They had me sit on the couch and asked me questions. The only one I remember was my name and date of birth and if I could remember what I had taken. I told them what I could. They asked if I could walk to the stretcher and as far as I can remember I did. Everything from then on is somewhat faint. I remember being how bumpy it was from my front porch to the ambulance. I remember being in the ambulance and the EMT asking me to keep my eyes open and look at him. I was gone. This was Thursday November 8th of 2007 at about 1030 pm CST. I was in and out of it Friday. I remember a few people. "the husband" didn't call my mom until almost 8 am on Friday. And no one was with me in ICU. I was alone and as far as I knew in my head I was dead. I remember my mom swabbing my lips with cold water to get me to drink a little. I remember ice chips and how cold but great they felt. I remember the oxygen tubes and the foly. The IV that itched and hurt. The heart monitor and sticky pads on my body. I had to pee, but I had a foly in. It made no sense to me. I was back out. Saturday morning. I was awake enough to eat jello and have them take out the foly. Oh the joy of being trusted to control my own bladder. They took me off oxygen. I drank broth at lunch and was aware of people and complaining enough that I thought the nurse was agitated. Saturday night they transfered me out of the ICU and to the "Behavioral Health Ward". I fell asleep soon after admission. Sunday morning. My mom and step dad came to see me in the late morning. I remember about 50% of the conversation. I remember my mom making me eat all my lunch. Yuck hospital food. "the husband" and my best friend came to meet with me later that afternoon. I told "husband" that it might be better if I didn't have any contact with him. He agreed to send me so much money every month until I can get things caught up around here. I hugged him and the best friend and they left. I couldn't sleep that night. Monday. I went out into the day room and colored most of the day. My best friend and her boyfriend stopped around lunch time for a little while. I journaled. They changed some of my meds around and I still couldn't sleep. I talked with my psychiatrist about when I would go home and what I was feeling and why I did what I did. Yuck more hospital food. I spent my day coloring and journaling and working things out in my head. Tuesday. I woke up aware and awake and was really ready to go home. I spoke with both my psychologist and my psychiatrist about possibly going home that day and they both agreed after talking to the nurses that I was ready to go home. I had plans to stay with my mom and called her to come get me. That day I had a student nurse who was amazing. It was like having my own private nurse friend type person who followed me around and asked me questions ( all people like to talk about themselves ). MY mom came to get me around 11. I had lunch with her after stopping to get my meds refilled since I had swallowed what I had at home "that night". I slept in the afternoon. I couldn't sleep that night either. I tried everything but a sleeping pill. Wednesday. Today. My first moments back in my house alone ( I'm going back to my mom's soon ). I don't know what my recovery is going to be like. Some times I still wish I hadn't woke up. It's a lot of pain. My best friend and her boyfriend are moving in this weekend. until then. I'll be at my mom's. I was diagnosed in July of 07 with BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) I also have panic attacks associated with my anxiety. I'm Bi Polar 2. Also have Clinical Depression. This wasn't my first attempt. I'll "forum" the other one later.