I came here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Sep 12, 2009.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    to try and escape my world. to help others and by doing that help myself. in ten minutes ym oldest has turned my into a nervous pile of shitl whiloe im sitting here trying to type thsi he is doing the things his father used to do to me. and i cant stop him i can t stop me im 45 feel liek a 5 yr old being punished for stuff i didnt do,
    im done i can tdo this anymore. may not sem like much to the rest of you with real problems but its enouigh for me. the straw so to say. ive been at the breaking point for so long now. im too tired to care. you all want the truth...no thigns dont get better ive spent most of my life trying ,in the end the only one that gives a flying leap about you is you and right this seciond i dont give a shit about me or how it is going to affect anyone!!!!!!!!! tell me again why killing myself isnt going to make thisgs beter? for who? evetryone else? well no bod y give a fuck bnout me so why dear god why do i have to keep doing for everyone elsse? for once to be totally seldfish like so much of the rest of this putrid world and its popiulation.!!!!!!1the world is out to get me but guews what im going to beat it to it. fuck this!!!sdkl'gtmwetjo'kl;.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, in reality, its not going to make things better. you wouldnt be around to feel that so called betterness. yes they say it is selfish to commit suicide.
    when we are in that mindset .. many of us simply with no other avenues to travel come to the conclusion, that is the only way out. key word OUT. NOT BETTER.
    im not sure of your exact issues or what you cant gain control of. i have tried suicide 3 times in my almost 50 years.
    we get to the point where we just cant cope. nothing anyone says helps.
    we are the ones that control our outcome. this last time, i had to come to grips with the fact that, if i wanted to improve my life .. i had to work at positive things. i had to think positive. its not easy, but you know what? im gaining ground. slowly but surley iam. im tolerating things that i have to at this time. the last 5 months have taken its toll on me .. along with the last 4 years. but theres things i want and want to do .. and IM GUNNA GET THERE.

    sure it sounds better to remain a vegetable if an attempt goes wrong. sure i get weakened now and then by my self pity. but i always remember what my mother used to tell me .."you dont try".
    let me tell you something . the reason that im here today is BECAUSE I DECIDED TO NOT GIVE UP.
    whats in it for me in the future ? the things that i want and want to do, thats whats in the future for me. if i dont achieve those things ...then theres other options. yeah, i could just say screw it , its to much effort, stress .. but in the end, the only one we are letting down is ourself.
    so many choices in this world ... whats yours ?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i called the crisis unit they talksed for about 1/2 an hour. they said sit tight the mobile is on its way. dont realy know how long ago that was but atleast 3 or 4 hours ago. i cant sit tight anymore. i want to take that ride now with the pils and booze and blades. i want to watch the stars come out while i wait for everything else to shut me down. i tried ok? i waited ok? didnt really make a diference. still suiicidal still huirting and still tired of living with all the shit and the thoguhts and the urges. the stars will be out soon and wil pray to god that i will be to. not worht the effort any more.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i lvoe the night thanks
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I bet you love your kids more so call crisis back or better yet call emergency dept and tell them to get ambulance over to your house Don't do this to your kids don't go out this way knowing the damage you will do to them You just have to hold on till the feeling has passed then get the dam ambulance to the hospital and get help.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I don't know what to say Carla other than you do not have to take the abuse from your oldest any more than you did rom his father. If help does not show up, then call again. Don't let them ignore the importance of your situation. You need to decide that the reason you need to live is for yourself and noone else. I know it is hard to see the reasons, but they are there. Look beyond what others are doing to make you miserable. What could things be like if they weren't there? Please don't give up. :hug:
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I dropped the little one off at daycare and headed for the train crossing. I took as many meds as i could before I left the daycare. But of all days, the train was late because they were working on the crossing!!! I tried so hard to get to the other track but the meds kicked in. No one had heard from me so guess one of my supports decided to text tonight. After I get the courage to say anything get told they sleepy so I just left. They have their own problems dont need mine too. I feel so empty. I cant even do right for myself. So for now until I get the strength to try again, guess I'll just wait for the house to sell like I had originally planned. Wish a person could cry themself to death cuz I would of been gone a few hours ago now.
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