I didn’t know whether to post here again or another thread but i still wanted to avoid triggering or confusing people. It’s been getting worse. I’ve been crying multiple times a day because of these thoughts. There are mornings like this where i’m immediately crying and then there’s other days where i’m fine in the morning but spend the rest of the day feeling ashamed. Every time i think about this i feel so much shame and i begin to cry and breathe heavily, all time now. I was meant to tell my therapist but i didn’t or maybe i just couldn’t. I thought i would be able to just put it away for a while, wait til i’m an adult or something. Other thoughts like these seemed to disappear or lessen in severity if i just brush them off or ignored them but this one seems the opposite. Ever since the holidays have started i can’t do anything but think. Going out yesterday did a good job of distracting me a bit but when we were in the kids park i constantly felt reminded of my gross thoughts and i couldn’t really feel at rest. Constant feelings of a large nervous sinking pit in my gut and constant heavy breathing every time the thoughts come up. There is no escape from my mind at least. I tried to work on a letter to my therapist because i can’t say any of it. About all i’ve done is vaguely bullet pointed things lightly in pencil to prepare myself on what to write. I was going to use this as a way to make it easier whenever i write it out in full. That’s the issue here, “whenever”. Each time i look at the sheet of paper I never get anywhere. I keep staring blankly wondering how i should word this and that but it won’t come out at all. I just feel ashamed and i break down crying again. I can’t really take my time anymore because it’s only getting worse each day and i have no idea how to “sit with the discomfort” or just deal with it in any other way than panicking and crying and trying to distract myself. The reason i cried this morning was all my fault too. I still can’t understand why i have these thoughts. Anytime i try to figure out why i am this way by googling some things about the thoughts it just keeps coming up with more peoples stories and it makes me feel so much worse i don’t know why i keep doing this to myself in the first place. Feels like mental torture and then i only feel more guilty for crying because i have no reason to be upset in the first place. I honestly wish someone had a magic fix to this but i know there won’t be and the only fix will be “tell your therapist” which i’m currently failing at doing. I’m only posting this because i find it nearly impossible to write about this or even my feelings surrounding this on paper, maybe because it feels like proof of my inherent grossness. I can’t ignore it if it’s down on paper because that makes it feel a lot more real somehow. Only thing could manage today in my journal was “I am very miserable today. I feel gross and upset. I just want to have a good mind again” and then i guess i’ve tried to distract my self by going on about have fun yesterday was. The only other time i wrote anything down was last Saturday when i got a bit more down “Stuck with my head for too long. Gross thoughts about things like sexual assault. Never been through it. Just think about it a lot. I wish i didn’t have a brain to think. It would be helpful” and then spent the rest of the page wondering how to “disappear”. I don’t know how to tackle this. The rest seems easy enough but i don’t know how on earth to begin it. I’ve tried to tell myself to just get over it and that she won’t judge me because it’s a part of her job. I watched a video where a guy who was an actual therapist was analysing a popular figure and he mentioned how he and people in his field won’t judge their clients & how he has worked with dv criminals, murderers, sexual criminals ect and i am none of those so it inspired me to try and get started but i don’t really know how i should go about it. The only idea i have in mind is meditation and i’ll have to get started soon since it’s my only hope at this point. I doubt anyone will have anyone to say to this but i suppose i’m glad i got it out. I might as well admit that i’ve begun to feel ashamed of my existence at this point. There are other problems that have come up too but i can’t talk about them now.
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