I can’t stop thinking it’s time to go

[Bubbles328]

I’ve been depressed I’ve been suicidal but never like this before. I don’t think I’m worthless and I don’t think the world would be a better place without me but I’m tired.

Hi

I’m new here throughout my whole life I’ve been on and off depressed and suicidal. I have always just had random thoughts at random times of me just ending it. That was a different kind of suicidal though and it was one that I thought if I just go into robot mode I will eventually see better days. No matter how bad it got and how hopeless it felt I could get through.

I’ve had a horrific life from start to now and the only time I came close to losing my life was when my partner at the time tried to kill me. I didn’t put up a fight when I tried I just looked him in the eye and thought it’s my time to go now.

Anyway it’s been from abuse as a child well into being an adult and I survived. I met a wonderful therapist that helped me massively and she changed the way I was and turned me into a new person, one that couldn’t be abused anymore. I was happy I felt empowered and was giving my life a real go.

However, over the last month or so my state of mind has gone. No matter what I do, how hard I work or how hard I try stay positive nothing changes, nothing moves forward, nothing gets better I feel like I’m wading through deep mud. The bad thing is is I don’t think there’s better days in front of me. Years and years of thinking that to get me through is now gone. It’s been decades and decades of misery, pain and sadness. I’m tired of waiting and trying for better things. I’m tired of things falling as I try build them up I’m tired of being alone.

I just keep saying In my head it’s time to go now over and over again I just don’t want to do this anymore, i can’t. I don’t feel worthless I don’t feel bad about myself I just feel I’m done with life now let me go. When someone gets old and sick they get tired of being sick and just want to give up. I feel like that.

I no longer drink alcohol because I feel I could lose control of my actions and I think this is likely if I drink. I have 2 children and I know they won’t be better off without me and I know this sounds selfish but even over staying for them I just want to go. I know they will be well cared for. I feel like my body will decide when it happens and I won’t have a choice over my actions.

How I would describe it is a peaceful suicidal feeling rather than irrational and messy like I’ve felt before, this is a constant hum of i was to die. I feel my life is done I’m done with the pain I’m done with the sadness I’m done with falling.

I have not spoken about this to anyone and I’m hoping I’ll feel better getting it out there. Thankyou for reading

 

[peter worthington]

Hi Bubbles, I feel the same as you, I don;t want to carry on with this constant pain that will never change. but for some reason I don;t want you to give in, I can;t understand my thoughts either, I don;t know you and it might be the best thing for you to do, but that makes me feel like a hypocrit because I want to give up too. Any ideas?

 

[agwoodliffe]

Have you actually spoken to your therapist about what has happened over the last month?

 

[MarvelFan]

Bubbles328, the never been this suicidal its a feeling that comes over me too it comes really strong some days and others not quite as much. The only remedy for when those darkest of times happen because to be real we can't see a Therapist every other day, is to occupy your time with something else or to sleep.

"I’ve had a horrific life from start to now and the only time I came close to losing my life was when my partner at the time tried to kill me. I didn’t put up a fight when I tried I just looked him in the eye and thought it’s my time to go now." Sorry you went through that but seems to me like you need a new partner.

I'm sorry you went through abuse as a child and im happy your Therapist helped you work through those things. I went through those things too but for me just as it seems for you the day to day same thing and the stress of the present coupled with the suffering of childhood it makes it much harder.

"The bad thing is is I don’t think there’s better days in front of me."
If you strive to be a good person which I'm sure you there are better days ahead of you

Im really tired like you are and the better things is that you take care of you.

"I just keep saying In my head it’s time to go now over and over again I just don’t want to do this anymore, i can’t. I don’t feel worthless I don’t feel bad about myself I just feel I’m done with life now let me go. When someone gets old and sick they get tired of being sick and just want to give up. I feel like that." Just try to keep your energy levels up to at least a normal amount, eat as much good food as you can and sleep we can't always be superheros or take care of everything in life. I get that feeling of it's time to go that is the feeling correct me if I'm wrong is that I seen enough experienced enough and just am to tired and the thrill is gone from life.

You have 2 children so that thrill in life should be lived through them with your experiences and talking to them. They won't be well cared for since they lost a parent to suicide. If you feel that your body will decide what happens then that will be a natural death and possible a good death that will not be filled with fear and hopelessness but with your loved ones besides you. Unless we are talking terminal cancer where doctor kevorkian is involved or the terri schiavo case.

"I’m done with the sadness I’m done with falling." You don't have to have as much self-suffering like you've had and you don't have to have as much suffering brought on upon others. You will find some moments im sure that give you some pleasure you just have to look for them and treat yourself first and don't have any guilt for that. Your a success you know why because you're still here and have 2 kids that love you.

"I have not spoken about this to anyone and I’m hoping I’ll feel better getting it out there. Thankyou for reading" Thank you for sharing and I hope I can help you through this. I am a millionaire, actually I'm really poor but this asian guy at the liquor store said I was a millionaire, and I asked how so and he said millionaire come in store buy 12pack and you come in buy 12pack so you same as millionaire.

 

[Bubbles328]

Thankyou both for your posts and advice.
I feel better since I posted although it is not subsiding completely I now have control over whether I would do it or not, whereas before I was scared I couldn’t control myself.

The healthy eating is an interesting one as I know what you put in your body can contribute to your mental health. While a lot of the time I have no control over what I eat (my job is basically to eat) I can try eat as best as I can around these times. I’m researching food that will better my mental health.

I hate burdening people with the negatives in my life but this needs to stop to a point and I’m going to try to get atleast one friend I can talk to. I must get through this.

I’ve been trying to find reason as to why I’ve been feeling this way and I think it due to coming to a crossroads in life and I’m unable to take one path and I’m not ready for the other. Lack of sleep is contributing also and I have been sleeping a lot more than usual.

Everything’s unsettled at the moment I could lose my home and things either that or things could work out good for me but while I’m in this unsettled period I cannot plan anything in my life the future is uncertain for me and this is why I could be finding things difficult.

Thank you for reading and replying

 

[MarvelFan]

Thankyou both for your posts and advice.
I feel better since I posted although it is not subsiding completely I now have control over whether I would do it or not, whereas before I was scared I couldn’t control myself.

The healthy eating is an interesting one as I know what you put in your body can contribute to your mental health. While a lot of the time I have no control over what I eat (my job is basically to eat) I can try eat as best as I can around these times. I’m researching food that will better my mental health.

I hate burdening people with the negatives in my life but this needs to stop to a point and I’m going to try to get atleast one friend I can talk to. I must get through this.

I’ve been trying to find reason as to why I’ve been feeling this way and I think it due to coming to a crossroads in life and I’m unable to take one path and I’m not ready for the other. Lack of sleep is contributing also and I have been sleeping a lot more than usual.

Everything’s unsettled at the moment I could lose my home and things either that or things could work out good for me but while I’m in this unsettled period I cannot plan anything in my life the future is uncertain for me and this is why I could be finding things difficult.

Thank you for reading and replying

I wish you luck on the eating foods that better you mental health, but for in the mean time it is important that you get calories from protein and some carbs. As you said sometimes you no control over that as in sometimes we dont have the time or energy to cook really healthy meals but I can tell you this just dont eat junk food too much for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

A roll of donuts for breakfast, a piece of beef jerky, and some trail mix and chips from the gas station is really bad because that is just empty calories or pure sugar calories. There is nothing wrong with fast food because hey at least your eating something that fills you up, such as a egg mcmuffin and hash browns, a chicken salad or 6 inch sub from subway or Panda express orange chicken with lo mein and fried rice is at least some food that fills you up and has both protien and carbs.

I hope you have more than just a friend but also a family member to talk to.

I'm sorry you could lose your home I spent 10 years of my life saving up for a cracker jack box of a house that is 890sq feet 2bed one bath house build in 1990 in not the greatest neighbor hood out here in Arizona, I got the stick house for 42,000 dollars and got it half paid off since I pay 500 per month and have been paying for 4 years. I just love the mexicans next door though with there loud until midnight all day oompa loompa music and their kid plays the drums really loud.

 

[Lara_C]

When someone gets old and sick they get tired of being sick and just want to give up. I feel like that.

How I would describe it is a peaceful suicidal feeling rather than irrational and messy like I’ve felt before, this is a constant hum of i was to die. I feel my life is done I’m done with the pain I’m done with the sadness I’m done with falling.

From what you've written, I think you've reached a turning point in your life where it's time to offload the burden of the past which is dragging you down, and to rise again to face the future, free of the pain and sadness. You already feel the peace of release from your problems, but you don't need to die to keep it. You can be free and live.

I’ve been trying to find reason as to why I’ve been feeling this way and I think it due to coming to a crossroads in life and I’m unable to take one path and I’m not ready for the other. Lack of sleep is contributing also and I have been sleeping a lot more than usual.
Everything’s unsettled at the moment I could lose my home and things either that or things could work out good for me but while I’m in this unsettled period I cannot plan anything in my life the future is uncertain for me and this is why I could be finding things difficult.

The future is unknowable, but in that very uncertainty there is freedom. Freedom to create a better life, without bondage to the past, so don't assume bad things will happen. Do what's necessary to keep your home etc, but I think you should try to rest your mind and body as much as you can right now, taking good care of yourself, without worrying too much about what might happen. Antidepressants and/or sleeping meds from your doctor could also help. When your energy returns, the way forward could become clearer. Perhaps this might include going back to discuss what's happening with the therapist who helped you so much before.

 

[MLJ]

Thank you for sharing your deepest, darkest emotional thoughts and feelings. I’m so glad you did. That in itself tells me you want an alternative. You seem to have a great deal of insight and forethought and a sense of reality. You’re just tired. I get it. I really do. Totally exhaustion, no desire.

I have two kids as well. Just to sit back and watch them play, eat, ask questions, be curious about something, how easily they get distracted, grow, and even argue and fight, I find joy in them and I find a smile come across my face. Even the effort it takes to tell them to pick up their toys and clean up behind themselves gets tiresome, repetitive and overwhelming at times trying to teach them to be responsible. It’s hard to be consistent with that, for me at least.

Then I imagine me out the picture. That’s hard to imagine, but then again, seems so simple. What would it be like for them to grow up without their mother. How would it effect them…really. Would they eventually forget me? The youngest, probably, the oldest, maybe not. It’s bound to have some kind of effect on them. An emptiness they would carry with them the rest of their lives. I have to ask myself, would that emptiness inside of them be stronger than the emptiness I feel inside of me right now? I don’t know, but it’s one I have to give a great deal of thought to, because my children at least deserve that from me, their mother.

Sincerely, I hope and pray you would find the answer to that emptiness inside. The joy of life itself. The reason you’re here. Your destiny. The fulfillment of that black hole that sucks you in like a vacuum and you can’t find the switch. For me, it's my faith. It has set me free from that bondage, which is what depression is, a bondage, a stronghold over your life. There was more to life than what I was able to see. I'd love the share more if you want to private message me....

 

[daddyslittlegirl]

It's amazing to know that your kids are the source of strength for you MLJ. I am left with nobody but my elder brother in this world. It is really hard to live despite knowing that all you have this pain and suffering. I completely understand what Bubbles328 you are going through. Everywhere you are looking for a solution and something to change this state of mind. At the end all we only feel helpless.