I’ve been depressed I’ve been suicidal but never like this before. I don’t think I’m worthless and I don’t think the world would be a better place without me but I’m tired.
Hi
I’m new here throughout my whole life I’ve been on and off depressed and suicidal. I have always just had random thoughts at random times of me just ending it. That was a different kind of suicidal though and it was one that I thought if I just go into robot mode I will eventually see better days. No matter how bad it got and how hopeless it felt I could get through.
I’ve had a horrific life from start to now and the only time I came close to losing my life was when my partner at the time tried to kill me. I didn’t put up a fight when I tried I just looked him in the eye and thought it’s my time to go now.
Anyway it’s been from abuse as a child well into being an adult and I survived. I met a wonderful therapist that helped me massively and she changed the way I was and turned me into a new person, one that couldn’t be abused anymore. I was happy I felt empowered and was giving my life a real go.
However, over the last month or so my state of mind has gone. No matter what I do, how hard I work or how hard I try stay positive nothing changes, nothing moves forward, nothing gets better I feel like I’m wading through deep mud. The bad thing is is I don’t think there’s better days in front of me. Years and years of thinking that to get me through is now gone. It’s been decades and decades of misery, pain and sadness. I’m tired of waiting and trying for better things. I’m tired of things falling as I try build them up I’m tired of being alone.
I just keep saying In my head it’s time to go now over and over again I just don’t want to do this anymore, i can’t. I don’t feel worthless I don’t feel bad about myself I just feel I’m done with life now let me go. When someone gets old and sick they get tired of being sick and just want to give up. I feel like that.
I no longer drink alcohol because I feel I could lose control of my actions and I think this is likely if I drink. I have 2 children and I know they won’t be better off without me and I know this sounds selfish but even over staying for them I just want to go. I know they will be well cared for. I feel like my body will decide when it happens and I won’t have a choice over my actions.
How I would describe it is a peaceful suicidal feeling rather than irrational and messy like I’ve felt before, this is a constant hum of i was to die. I feel my life is done I’m done with the pain I’m done with the sadness I’m done with falling.
I have not spoken about this to anyone and I’m hoping I’ll feel better getting it out there. Thankyou for reading
Hi
I’m new here throughout my whole life I’ve been on and off depressed and suicidal. I have always just had random thoughts at random times of me just ending it. That was a different kind of suicidal though and it was one that I thought if I just go into robot mode I will eventually see better days. No matter how bad it got and how hopeless it felt I could get through.
I’ve had a horrific life from start to now and the only time I came close to losing my life was when my partner at the time tried to kill me. I didn’t put up a fight when I tried I just looked him in the eye and thought it’s my time to go now.
Anyway it’s been from abuse as a child well into being an adult and I survived. I met a wonderful therapist that helped me massively and she changed the way I was and turned me into a new person, one that couldn’t be abused anymore. I was happy I felt empowered and was giving my life a real go.
However, over the last month or so my state of mind has gone. No matter what I do, how hard I work or how hard I try stay positive nothing changes, nothing moves forward, nothing gets better I feel like I’m wading through deep mud. The bad thing is is I don’t think there’s better days in front of me. Years and years of thinking that to get me through is now gone. It’s been decades and decades of misery, pain and sadness. I’m tired of waiting and trying for better things. I’m tired of things falling as I try build them up I’m tired of being alone.
I just keep saying In my head it’s time to go now over and over again I just don’t want to do this anymore, i can’t. I don’t feel worthless I don’t feel bad about myself I just feel I’m done with life now let me go. When someone gets old and sick they get tired of being sick and just want to give up. I feel like that.
I no longer drink alcohol because I feel I could lose control of my actions and I think this is likely if I drink. I have 2 children and I know they won’t be better off without me and I know this sounds selfish but even over staying for them I just want to go. I know they will be well cared for. I feel like my body will decide when it happens and I won’t have a choice over my actions.
How I would describe it is a peaceful suicidal feeling rather than irrational and messy like I’ve felt before, this is a constant hum of i was to die. I feel my life is done I’m done with the pain I’m done with the sadness I’m done with falling.
I have not spoken about this to anyone and I’m hoping I’ll feel better getting it out there. Thankyou for reading