I can feel a crisis period brewing. I have been feeling down the past week or so, mainly because my physical illnesses have made me feel so tired and useless but I have managed to cope via distraction mechanisms. Work is also getting me down. I have been told by my manager that I am doing a good job and that she has not had any bad comments about me and my work but I can't help but feel that I am not doing a good job and like I should be advancing quicker than I am. I know this is a time when I should reach out to the professionals but because I have had bad experiences, I am very frightened to reach out, in fear that if I get ignored I will do something wreckless and kill myself. I don't want to die but my impulse control in crisis situations is absolutely shocking. This insane intense feeling of sadness and hopelessness is growing stronger by the minute. I have an online counselling session via THT on thursday, and my counsellor knows about my fears of seeking help, so maybe he can help some. I think I can last till then, and I have a helpline I could try in the meantime. I guess I just need to build up some trust and courage and bite that bullet of seeking help again, but I am just so scared because my life is in their hands.