I can feel it brewing...

[Butterfly]

I can feel a crisis period brewing. I have been feeling down the past week or so, mainly because my physical illnesses have made me feel so tired and useless but I have managed to cope via distraction mechanisms. Work is also getting me down. I have been told by my manager that I am doing a good job and that she has not had any bad comments about me and my work but I can't help but feel that I am not doing a good job and like I should be advancing quicker than I am.

I know this is a time when I should reach out to the professionals but because I have had bad experiences, I am very frightened to reach out, in fear that if I get ignored I will do something wreckless and kill myself. I don't want to die but my impulse control in crisis situations is absolutely shocking. This insane intense feeling of sadness and hopelessness is growing stronger by the minute. I have an online counselling session via THT on thursday, and my counsellor knows about my fears of seeking help, so maybe he can help some. I think I can last till then, and I have a helpline I could try in the meantime. I guess I just need to build up some trust and courage and bite that bullet of seeking help again, but I am just so scared because my life is in their hands.

 

[JmpMster]

:hug:

I guess I just need to build up some trust and courage and bite that bullet of seeking help again, but I am just so scared because my life is in their hands.

Yes, sometimes you have to extend trust in the need to get help. Sometimes that trust is misplaced. But the alternative is no action and that path is known and what you are trying to avoid. So far as who holds your life in their hands - always comes back to yourself. We as individuals are always ultimately responsible for our own well being , no outside influence.

Take Care and Be Safe

Ben

 

[Sadeyes]

Even though you feel so awful, your life is not in a counselor's hands because you have people around with whom you can discuss what is suggested and act upon those suggestions as they are good for you...i am so sorry you are feeling this way...it sounds awful, especially that you are not enjoying your new work in your new profession..plez let me know if I can do anything for you

 

[letty]

Lexi I am sorry you have been sick, I hope you get better soon, I know its hard being physicaly sick and then also
having depression. I hope the counseling on thursday helps, and you get the help you need before a crisis hits :hug:

 

[total eclipse]

Hugs to you hun YOU do what is necessary ok use that courage you have and get the help you deserve hun h ugs

 

[Butterfly]

Thank you for your words guys. I'm just biting my tongue at the moment. It seems never ending healthwise, feel like I couldn't make it up if I tried. It's just one thing after another. I'm on day 6 of 8 at work and I am about ready for hibernating I am just that tired. I know it's because of my physical health. I wish they would stop prolonging the inevitable and just put me on medication.

I am enjoying my job. I love the people I work with, the patients I work with and the type of work that I do. I just finish every shift being very self critical thinking "I should have done this. I didn't do that. I've missed this" etc. I've been told that as a newly qualified nurse that these feelings are normal and as I get more experience these feelings will become less but apparently every nurse has these feelings every now and again.

I don't know. I just get these intense pangs of utter despair, it's almost paralysing. Then I get irritated and work myself up, become anxious and start spiralling. I have had some pretty crazy thoughts the past couple of days, just trying to fight them off.

I know it sounds stupid to say that I feel as if my life is in the professionals hands, but the last time I saw the doc with my mental health issues I came out of there in tears, completely disinterested and downhearted and I felt like ending it there and then. It was such a horrible feeling, a feeling that left me with distrust and a feeling I never want to experience again.

 

[Acy]

Sure sounds like you are loving your new job. :smile:

Most people at a new job find the first couple of months at least a little tiring, and most people, especially in a new position, have bouts of the "I should haves."

I'm inclined to wonder if it's just this new job adjustment period that is adding to your tiredness. Remember that even positive stress from good things in our lives will have an effect, and when we're new and stressed, we use all our senses and our bodies are on extreme alert. That really does use a lot of energy. Perhaps you could combat it a bit if try to schedule some relaxation techniques into your breaks at work - even controlled breathing, a yoga pose, or a brisk walk to clear your head can. If after a month or so you're still so bagged before a work block is done, you might want to see the doctor.

Our habits of mind can be just as entrenched as our physical habits. If you feel yourself heading into rough waters in your head, change directions...by reminding yourself of how well you have done with your courses, the practical pre-job experience, the fact that you've been hired! :smile: Stop the negatives and replace with the positives you know you have.

I hope that the intense anxiety disappears as you settle into the work and start seeing all your positives instead of fearing the should haves and the what ifs, and so on. :hug: