I can feel myself getting worse..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Daytimenightmares, Dec 9, 2012.

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  1. Daytimenightmares

    Daytimenightmares New Member

    My husband's parents are ruining my life. I didn't think they would ever have so much control and stuff over my life. But they are emotionally and verbally abusive. I lived with that kind of treatment until the day I turned 18. On my 18th birthday I woke up and walked out of my Dad's house and never looked back. Life was pretty good in the 8 years since. I got married, just had a little girl. But with my husband's parents.... it's like it's starting all over. They say things behind my back. They ignore me and if I say "don't do that with my daughter" they'll do it. And there is so much more I can't even put into words how it makes me feel. It reminds me of living with my dad. It reminds me of the years of watching my father curse my mother and sister and how it went from verbal abuse, to emotional, to physical. I have spent so many years building myself into a stronger person. But now I feel myself crumbling. Some things have happened recently that I just am too emotionally drained to type out.

    But last night I laid in bed. And I thought about how I would commit suicide if I really got there. <mod edit - methods>. And each time one of these things happened that I just couldn't stand.. that sent me to bed in a weepy mess,

    But I look at my daughter and pull myself out of the daydream.. or daynightmare. And then I'll think of something a little less live-or-die and think of just killing myself in a clean manner that my husband wouldn't have to clean up... and they could resume life without having to clean up my mess, again.

    My husband admitted to me today that he went for a drive, found a parking lot and just cried. He feels so torn between his parents and me. That doesn't make me feel any better.

    Right now I don't think seriously of committing suicide. But I fear that someday it will become a more realistic option for me. But I don't admit my feelings. My husband works in the mental hospital here. I hear the tales and what the staff really thinks of their patients. And I can't be taken away from my daughter. I can't imagine spending a night without her. That would make me go over the edge. I know it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2012
  2. Powerpuff

    Powerpuff Active Member

    When things look bleak, think of your daughter, when madness creeps into your mind, think of your daughter. Your daughter needs you alive, find the love with your daughter to keep you going. Besides that, maybe moving away to another city might make distance between you and your in laws. This sounds harsh but might be for the better. You walked out of your dad's home maybe walking away from your in laws might be for the best, but take your husband and daughter with you. All the best to you.
  3. Daytimenightmares

    Daytimenightmares New Member

    Thanks for the reply PowerPuff. I think a lot of my daughter when I get sad or feeling "almost suicidal" (Is there another term for that?) The hardest thing is when I'd lay in bed and think about hurting myself... I'd open my eyes and the thoughts and visions would go away. But last night, for the first time, I was seeing it with my eyes open. It's hard to describe... like I was seeing my physical environment but also could see the mental images in my head.
    And sometimes when I think of my daughter to escape my visions.. I see her getting hurt. These thoughts of someone kidnapping her, someone hurting her, the house catching fire, just all kinds of things. Sometimes I have to wake my husband up to just make it end.

    And we do plan on moving away from our families. But unfortunately we can't until next fall when my husband can get a new position with his employer. So I'm trying to be strong until at least then to see if it gets better. We just moved to our current location in June.. a couple weeks before my daughter was born. We thought it was going to be great. Living near our families... everyone "here to help" (yeah right. that turned out to be a bunch of empty promises). Things weren't this bad. No where NEAR this bad until we moved 5 minutes away from my husband's parents. Ugh..
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Daytimenightmares, I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. Depression can make anxiety worse - so ordinary concern for loved ones jumps to "catastrophic ideas." I have found that when I'm depressed, my sensitivity to things is turned up to "high."

    Have you anyone in town that you can talk to? Your family doc/GP might be a starting place. Remember that being depressed is a medical condition and treatment doesn't necessarily mean that you would be put in hospital. And privacy/confidentiality in most places generally applies so no one needs to know if and why you see your doctor.

    I'm really glad you reached out here. I hope that things improve and you find lots of support here. Take care.
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