I can feel what I want to feel

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by northstar, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. northstar

    northstar Active Member

    I wish I could just scream to my family that I am allowed to feel what I want to feel!!! LET ME FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    NO I don't have to get over the abuse and the pain instantly! No I don't have to be ready to let go or move on or forgive or forget or do anything you tell me to feel!!!
    Why can't I ever have my feelings and have them validated?! For my entire life I've been told what I feel is wrong. My feelings went ignored or mocked or invalidated some other way and I'm tired of it!! Through all the abuse and all the suffering. I'm tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn't feel, when or how or why.
    I have a lot of pain and it's not going away. It comes and goes and I go through cycles of numbing and releasing and it drives me nuts, but it makes it even worse when I'm constantly told it's all wrong.
    IT HURTS to be laughed at and mocked, yelled at, lied to, degraded, and ignored. Neglect burns me inside. How do you cope with someone ignoring you when you say you feel suicidal?! How do you get over it that fast? WTF? How can people tell me that I should just ignore everything that happened so I can "focus on moving my life forward?!" I'm going to be homeless soon and I lost a vision of a future that I thought would make me happy. I now see nothing. That's really f****** hard to deal with. It's hard to cope with my feelings, I don't know how to fully process this kind of pain. EACH MINUTE IS A STRUGGLE right now.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to acknowledge the pain yes but you do not have to let that pain rule you hun You feel it let it pass through okay you cry you yell you scream then let it go to the other side I am sorry they don't see you pain hun i do i truly do and I hope you know you can talk to me anytime hun hugs
     
  3. northstar

    northstar Active Member

    Thank you so much. It felt therapeutic in a way..to be able to say those things I'll never be able to say to them.
    I am trying to release this pain. thanks for being here for me and reaching out. *hugs*
     
  4. iowagal

    iowagal New Member

    You are not alone in feeling this way. In a last ditch effort to get my husband to understand why I feel like a worthless piece of crap, I told him the shameful dirty little secret I have been hiding for 40 years, my father molested me when I was 10. 40 years is a very long time to live with the feelings of shame and worthlessness. I could manage to push them back for a while, but they always come roaring back. He told me i didnt deserve it and thought that was enough. 1 sentence does not do anything to stop the feelings, saying thank you for telling didnt make me feel any better either. I assure you that as far as I am concerned, you have a right to feel whatever you feel about what happened to you as long as you like. Perhaps the trick is in not forgetting, but trying to live with them. I am not in a place where I can tell you it turns out great, because it isnt great for me, but there once was a time in my life where it was. That was a time when life was worth living, despite the nagging feeling that I was undeserving of any kind of happiness. I hope, with all of my heart, that you can find a way to find joy despite the pain, that for a little while you can push it back.