I can never stop

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Flight, Dec 6, 2007.

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  1. Flight

    Flight Well-Known Member

    I've been a SHer for a long time. Back when I started, I had never heard of someone doing it before. I don't know why hurting my body to heal my soul felt so right, but it did.

    I can take physical pain. Physical pain from a blow or a cut is nothing, because I know it is always temporary.

    So I often felt like the only person who SHed. No one would understand what I do about it - it's not a cry for attention, it's not a death wish - it's a way to heal myself.

    Now, in more recent years, I've heard that there are many others like me. I don't know if that thought is comforting though... it's just neutral.

    I used to be in hell, deep in hell, waiting and hoping only for death. Longing to just kill everything away... and so SH was the least of my worries. FFS it was the only little respite I had in a sea of hell, why would I worry about blood on my arm or a bruise on my leg?

    But I've walked a long, long road since then. Never got much help but somehow learned to help myself. The world is still the same old shitty place it always was, but in the past years I've just been looking at it differently. I want to stick around this sad coil a little more. See what I can learn, and seize what moments I can.

    But a problem that seems to dog me is my SH. I can't stop. Whenever I'm angry, I always find myself punishing my body. I need to. So I guess I'm addicted (I get angry a lot). These days I'm a lot more subtle about it. I almost never bruise, so I've turned to punishing myself with blunt objects rather than sharp objects. I don't want anyone else to see and think I've fallen back into my depressed hell. I haven't.

    But my girlfriend sees me hurt myself and she knows. I'm sure it hurts her more than it hurts or helps me. I want to stop, for her sake, but I can't seem to. Right now I'm fine, but next time I'm angry, it's instinct. I don't even think, or want it... I just punch myself in the head, in the leg.

    It's better than hitting someone/something else, right?

    I guess think damn post has no real purpose... just wanted to vent, sorry.

    ...lost in a sea of pain.
     
  2. whynotme?

    whynotme? Well-Known Member

    ditto mate! my boyfriend and parents seem to be the only real sufferers from my SH these days, i do it instinctively as well.

    i dont know how to help you to stop as i haven't figured that out myself yet (if i do, i will let you know!!) but i didn't know if knowing you weren't alone might help although you have already stated that t is knid of a neutral...

    anyway, here to try and help

    xxx
     
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