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I can not continue like this.

-L-

Well-Known Member
#1
OCD has been attacking me a lot lately. I am "pure obsessive" I am not a maniac of cleanliness or order. My obsessions are mental processes about perfectionism and my compulsions are not as visible as in other people with OCD but It's horribly disabling.

For example, months ago I mounted a gaming computer, I am always afraid that something will fail, that I have not done it right, that I have chosen the wrong components, that I have assembled it incorrectly, that something is broken, that there is a bottleneck, etc. .. and when a problem occurs I give it much more importance than it has.

It seems silly but it is not, the anxiety that it produces I cannot even describe it, this morning I even had palpitations of so much anxiety and knowing that it is not going to stop. If it weren't for this computer, it would be for something else, reality doesn't matter, my mind will always be constantly screwing me with this. I spend hours and hours and because of the OCD, it's horrible.

In addition, the most likely thing is that I have Asperger (in the process of diagnosis) loneliness is killing me too, for some people this is not important, and I sincerely envy those people, I wish I could not care about loneliness, although this is not the only thing Asperger's affects me daily, I am extremely irritable, everything affects me much more.

The worst thing is that I have no IRL anyone to tell all this to, absolutely no one, I have no IRL friends and I have no social contact with anyone except my parents. I can't tell my parents anything about this, they limit themselves to belittling my problems or blaming me for them, they don't even directly believe me, this makes me have even more anxiety so I prefer not to talk to them about all this.

I have severe insomnia for years, I'm tired of taking sleeping pills, I try to sleep without them but I can't, even with them many times I can't, I feel like a benzos junkie and I'm only 25 years old, my doctor says he can't do more for me, which is chronic. My family doesn't believe me directly, they tell me "you will sleep something" or "I can't believe you won't sleep in X days"

I also have mobility problems in my hands, especially my right hand, and some deformation in my fingers that prevents me from doing many things normally, about this, absolutely no one believes me, not even the doctors.

Whenever I'm sick from anything (insomnia, hands, stomach pain etc ...) everyone thinks I'm making it up or I'm exaggerating it, so I tend not to tell anyone IRL.

So my life when I'm not working is basically getting out of bed (hopefully I was able to sleep a few hours with Ambien) being on the computer playing games, trying to kill time, fighting the brutal anxiety of the OCD and little else.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#2
One time I did not sleep for 3 days. I know it is a terrible thing to go through not being able to sleep. I wish there was something I could do to help you but I have no good advice. Just know that you have a place to share here and people that care about you
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#3
Having no sleep is terrible. The body clock gets out of sync, affects energy level. Since you don't have anybody irl to talk to have you tried therapy or counseling? I am not saying it will solve all your problems but it will help you. Also you can try hypnotherapy. It has helped many people. You can Google it. Any form of physical exercise may help you.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
i'm sorry that you are suffering so much right now. i don't usually sleep well but i know lack of sleep will make your whole life difficult. if your doctor doesn't believe you try another doctor. i hope you can start to feel better soon....mike...*hug*shake
 

Lifeisthis

Well-Known Member
#5
I am not a doctor all I can say is from my experience. Lexapro has helped my OCD alot. Im really sorry you are struggling. Have you tried exercising? If you put in a good work out it can make you tired and at the end of the day fall asleep.
 

Sad Elf

Well-Known Member
#6
I understand how debilitating and frustrating OCD is, if I find the answer to controlling it I will let you know. Even as I write that I hear my therapist talking about control, that's the irony with OCD I don't think you can control it, we have to learn to ignore it. I don't know how to help but wanted u to know you are not alone.
 

-L-

Well-Known Member
#7
Having no sleep is terrible. The body clock gets out of sync, affects energy level. Since you don't have anybody irl to talk to have you tried therapy or counseling? I am not saying it will solve all your problems but it will help you. Also you can try hypnotherapy. It has helped many people. You can Google it. Any form of physical exercise may help you.
I've tried everything, my doctor just tells me it's chronic and I need to get used to it.
 

-L-

Well-Known Member
#8
I am not a doctor all I can say is from my experience. Lexapro has helped my OCD alot. Im really sorry you are struggling. Have you tried exercising? If you put in a good work out it can make you tired and at the end of the day fall asleep.
I took medication for a long time and it did not help me, also I do not want to take more medication, I am already tired of that, I am only 25 years old and I am almost addicted to benzos.
 

-L-

Well-Known Member
#9
I understand how debilitating and frustrating OCD is, if I find the answer to controlling it I will let you know. Even as I write that I hear my therapist talking about control, that's the irony with OCD I don't think you can control it, we have to learn to ignore it. I don't know how to help but wanted u to know you are not alone.
Thanks, yes, it's horrible.
 

-L-

Well-Known Member
#11
I couldn't sleep last night, I took a double dose of benzos (the normal dose does nothing for me) and still I couldn't sleep more than 4 hours. Now I feel completely sedated.

I feel like my bed is hell, not a place to rest.
 

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