I Cannot Escape Stress

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Jan 19, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I can think of one way to escape stress... which is why I am here. I am reaching my wits end. My job requires me to work 40 hour weeks plus overtime. I am on call 24/7/365. At any moments notice I could get a call with a question. My phone constantly goes off with pages from work, about stuff that I can do nothing about. It has gotten so bad that I cannot even joy vacation time. I have yet to have a vacation where I do not work. I always get called.

    As the stress builds so do my suicidal tendencies. Today, I was looking up how to calculate kinetic energy. Really this is the first time I have made such a detailed plan. In some ways it scares me... in other ways it comforts me. Right now I lack a car so I cannot go out and get the materials I would need to execute said plan... but I am not sure that will stop me.

    I just want to escape... I guess REI is only... a 10 mile bike ride... it will be good for me. What can I do to escape the stress? Well maybe not escape.. but I would like to dull the stress a little if possible.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey Forgotten_Man,

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so stressed out, I am on call a lot too and know what you mean when you say you can't ever truly relax...like you can't take that deep breath and just really exhale and let it all go.

    Despite being a professional and doing my job for years I still find I need the help of medication at times, namely xanax. If changing your work on call hours is not an option then are you open to trying medications? It really helps me with what you are talking about...that stress feeling of always being on edge.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about what your are going through, I can certainly relate and maybe have a few more tips for you, at the very least I am a good listener.

    Hang in there, you are not alone. Bambi
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm on call too. The funny thing is, I always dread getting the call even tho I know I'll be called. It drives me up a wall.

  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Bambi: Again I do not want to become dependent on drugs. Besides I can feel the stress slowly chipping away at my life. At this rate I may die by the age of 40.
    @pit: Yeah calls drive me up the wall too. Mine generally come on the weekend. I can just be sleeping away and the phone rings. Then suddenly I have an emergancy on my hands. The only thing worse than getting a call is getting interriogated by my boss the next morning. If a server goes down for one minute, I have to explain that one minute of down time. And of course since my system is a 3rd party system it has to be my systems fault.
  5. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    Not trying to get points with this, my life is on the rocks anyway. Figured I could help.

    If you can't handle your work any more, just retire. I did that, although I am not happy, I am not pulling my hair out anymore.

    Although, I do wonder what I live for these days. What was that fairy tale about, screw it its not about me. I need to understand that.
  6. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    If you can't handle it anymore you should quit your job or negotiate with the boss. Tell him it's causing too much stress.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @bringer of light:Retire o_O? I am only 24 friend.

    @TWF: I have negotiated with my boss... however, I feel like she is just leading me on. Plus given the current economy, no one wants someone with the little experience I have. They all want veterans who they can pile ungodly amounts of work on.
  8. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    This last while the brokeness in my life has been excrutiatingly painful for me, the major thing that has me going is in contemplating and attempting to put into practice the little bit of ' Mindfulness ' that I have learned about. I would strongly recommend looking into the concepts of mindfulness as it may help.

    For me one of the problems I have had is that my 'present' moment is spent in the past or the future and I forget who I am and that I am.. I become a has been or a wanna be and that is no way to be at all.
    My conclusion is that depression is not our problem, its the self destructive thought process that we have married to the depression.

    One book I would recommend if you were to get a book about this ' The Mindful Way through Depression '
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Set some boundaries with the job. Tell the boss an on call team is needed for this. A 3 person team to rotate being on call.

    Before you tell him, research how other companies set up a rotation pattern and why. Then have a written presentation your boss can hold in his hands while you talk to him. This way he knows you know what your are talking about and he is more likely to consider it. Don't expect an answer right away and don't be surprised if he comes up with a policy he takes credit for.

    It's worth the effort to give this a try. No job is worth you life especially since they are using us so they can have the good money.
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @SelfMadePrison: So you are saying I should stop thinking about how dead end this job is and just keep working? Because the me right now just wants a well paying job.

    @Chargette: And then my boss will laugh... well in his head anyway. My project manager had to beg to get one more person to help with my project. It was begging over the period of 6 or so months. My project does not generate any revenue, so therefore, despite its high visibility, does not need any more than the bare minimum of resources.
  11. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    When your boss has to replace a worker (like yourself) it costs money. They don't like to do that. If they knew you were suicidal, they would probably try to work something out. It is hard for you, because of the economy. I can't just advise you to look for work, because the unemployment rate nationally is what 10%?

    How good money do you make? Would you consider taking a pay-cut to do a job you are over-qualified for? Many people are doing that in this recession.

    Also you are relativley young, did you like your work since you graduated school? Have you considered a career change?

    I'm 20 myself and I'm in school, please tell me what you majored in college so I don't go for that! (I'm only kidding dude!) lol Really though because of the economy they can overwork people moreso then they normally can... Unfortunatley...

    You can get unemployment for psychological problems. Just so you know there are options. Also I'm a business major, and as far as I know from my limited education so far, the economy (specifically the unemployment rate) will start to steadily decline this year. It could just be a few months away.
  12. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I didnt at all state that you should stay in the job.. to me the job is secondary to the whole point of it all.. I was making reference to you putting out in the original post asking 'What can I do to escape the stress?'....

    I am coming from the angle of regardless of the work we do in our life stress is going to come, and stress can trigger depression and depression can create a vicious cycle of worry, especially if we get caught up thinking about the future and the past rather then living in the now.. at least that is what I have to conclude what people mean when they say 'You have to just let it go'... its the hardest thing I have ever set out to do.

    This is advice that I am trying very hard to follow myself.

    I do really hope the best of outcomes for you, and hope that I made sense.
  13. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    When I went from the hospital to the psychiatric ward, the nurse asked me what happened. I told her that I had turned my anger in on myself and that I should have told that person to go get fucked.

    When I get into extreme feelings that is an option I always have. The closest I ever came to it was when I told Child Support Services that I wasn't going to cooperate.

    No one owns you and there are ways to survive. I'm wondering if you are thinking you should be able to shoulder what your boss throws your way, but I think he is using you for his gain. That is one of the things that employers do when jobs are scarce.

    You don't have to take this and you don't have to take your life. Tell him an on call team is needed. I would think he would be impressed if he sees you are a problem solver, willing to put your cards on the table, and willing to advocate for it, especially when it takes time to get it changed.

  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @ryanglander: Trust me I am well aware of how much it would cost my company to replace me. I often times joke with my roommate how me quitting could be the down fall of the company. In the past, my position has only been held by any one person for a maximum of 8 months. So my company could limp along should my position quit. However, I have been there for almost 3 years now. So I am well aware of how much it would cost them to have to replace me.

    I was a computer information science major. I do not recommend this profession onto anyone who does not have a serious interest in computer science. Because my field changes far more rapidly than any other field out there. It takes real commitment to be a computer scientist.

    Yes I do like what my job could be. I have learned a lot in these past 2 years, and I just want to keep growing. I am more than willing to take a pay cut. I do not have any outstanding loans or anything that makes me worry about money.

    Forgive me for not being so optimistic about the economic future of our country. I mean most economists declared the recession over several months ago, yet things have continued to decline. Oh well, not like I will be around for the entire decline.

    @SelfMadePrison: Ok I get it... I think.. live for now not for later. Cross that bridge when you get to it, that kind of thing right?
    @Chargette: My sincere hope is to make sure that I never get to the pyschiatic ward... I kill myself successfully the first time.

    I am well aware that my boss uses me as a scape goat, and for his own personal gain. I accept that will always be the reality of things. I also do not think I should shoulder my bosses tasks. Any sane person would realize that I am given several people worth of work. I cannot be expected to shoulder all of that. More I do not want to shoulder it. It is far too much for me.

    I would rather just take this until I break. I know even if I ask for more resources I will not get them. Because in the end I do not know everything, nor do I have the time and plan to train the others. My boss is not impressed by anything other than knowledge. And since I lack the detailed knowledge I am supposed to have, my calls would fall on deaf ears. But that is just fine, personally I think it is fun wondering how much longer it will be before I break. After all my company is on the 21st floor. And there is oh so much many things I could destroy when I break.
  15. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I would suppose that would be what I am stating.. I see it as living for the journey rather then the destination.

    I will be blunt and say I think you need serious professional help, after rereading your last message I have to wonder if you are dangerous to others as well as yourself. Reach out before its to late.
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ah I see, however, in order for this to work I would need to have a destination in mind already. Otherwise I would just aimlessly wander.

    Yeah I often times wonder how much of a danger to myself and society I a actually am. But I feel that I have enough self control to just take myself and no one else.
  17. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I appreciate that you took what I said with a grain of salt, I had worried that it would be construed as 'Thems fighten words'.

    The actual saying I was paraphrasing is this 'Life is not about the destination, its about the journey'... I really think that by having to have a constant destination we cause a hell of alot of trouble for ourselves. This sort of concept is rather new to me, something I am very much just working out in my own life and so far it has been helping more then anything.

    I hated it when someone would say you have to learn to let go.. like wtf??
    Reconnecting is one of the hardest things, and you have alot stacked on your plate that makes it harder.
    I really think that a combination of what the others have shared here (the work issues, making a plan, approaching your employer,etc) and what I suggested (learning to become more aware of your breathing, your posture, your feelings and allowing yourself the freedom to feel these things.. I am adding words to it now) is a good starting point.. your in a crisis or very near a crisis, maybe you have been in this state for a long time... you need to reach out to the resources in your area.. I am certainly glad you are sharing here and using the site, but as the saying goes 'It takes a community to raise a child' I also say 'It takes a community for an adult to stay healthy'

    What sort of things have you found joy doing in the past?
  18. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm well this whole journey idea does not sound all that great to me. I guess it is because I have been forced to always have a destination in mind. However, it is an interesting idea. At least it is something to try if I snap and fail.

    Joys of my job? Well the learning experience was really the only joy I ever had. I was able to learn new things. However, now I am just doing the same thing over and over again. I am trying to get back into the learning of new things. However, I am not really doing a very good job with that. I figure I am stuck until I quit.

    I guess I am not too concerned for my mental health either. I do not feel like any of these destructive feelings are wrong. In fact that feel correct compared to other less negative feelings. Until I feel they are wrong, going in for help will do nothing.
  19. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I hear you there..
    as you titled the whole thread.. 'I Cannot Escape Stress'.. and I agree that the destructive feelings are wrong in of themselves.

    I think the journey idea is great.. when I ski/snowboard the best part is not when I am at the bottom of the mountain, but while I am heading down its slopes.. the only time the destination matters in that context is when I am on the chair heading up cause I want to get to the top so I can continue the journey again. Metaphorically speaking it sounds like you are on the chair.
  20. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah I probably am stuck on the chair, then again the chair lift does break down.
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