I Cannot Go On...

[Rangoon]

I'm at breaking point and feel that there is no way out except one.

I'm going through a divorce to a woman I love dearly. The divorce is my fault, I don't blame my wife in any way whatsoever. I was a difficult husband to be with, I never drank and was never violent and although I was faithful I was also at times cold and unsuportive, unresponsive to my wife's needs, not loving to her in the way she was to me. So many times I pushed her away, it makes me cry as I write this to think about it. This guilt I feel is eating my insides, why was I such a bastard to someone who did so much for me? I hate myself for that side of me that was so insecure that I felt the need to drag down a warm beautiful person with me.

We also have a 4 year old daughter who I adore. She is now living in foreign country with her mum. I know that our bond will, whilst not dissapear completely, will certainly weaken through distance. This is also eating me up inside. How could I have been so cold to my daughter's mother? Am I evil?

All this is bad enough but I returned yesterday from visiting my daughter in Belarus. When I got home my landlord said I need to be out by the 12 th because the house is rented out. My daughter was due to come and visit on the 15th for christmas but now I will have to cancel as I have nowhere to live. I'm drowning under the wieght of all this......help!

In 3 months i have lost it all and a lot of it's my fault. I feel that the best way out for everyone is if I take my life. My reasons are as follows.

If I don't then there is a chance that when I find out my wife has a new partner that I will out of jelousy try to ruin that relationship. My wife deserves happines, not an ex-partner ruining her future happiness. I'm not saying I definately would but who really knows how we will react to certain painful news until it happens?

Aslo living with this guilt is too much. I cannot carry this burden around with me forever, it will ruin my life. Whenever I think of my wife I think of the times I was cold to her and I feel sick inside. Although my wife has said that she bears no grudges towards me and that I should not feel guilty, I cannot help it. She is just being her usual sweet self but I know she is trying to protect me from my own conciounse. The guilt will never pass until Alzheimers sets in.

Also I now have to accept that my life will never recover it's former happiness. How can it with all my mental baggage? So what is the point of living an unhappy life? I don't see any.

On the other hand ofcourse I have a daughter who loves me. It's not fair on her to do what I want to do. That is on my conciounse too. I will also cause my mother considerable pain, that too is not fair. And ofcourse my soon to be ex-wife does not want me to die, she loves me but she just is not in-love with me. It might cause her anguish or regrets. Tears run down my cheeks as I write this because it's such a sad situation for me.

My plan is this. When we seperated a month ago we split our money. I gave her half of our savings which meant we each received £17000. My plan is to give her £15000 and spend the rest on the item I need to buy to finish me off quickly and painlesly. Atleast that way I know that I can die feeling that whilst I was an unfair husband in life, I was atleast a fair husband in death.

Before I do this I need to know that I'm doing this for the correct reasons and not as a sympathy gesture, not a case off "I'll show you how much I loved you" kind of thing. That would be pointless. No I need to know that I'm doing this for the correct reasons.

Finally ( I know it's long but almost there ), will I have the courage to go through with it? I tried ( kind of ) before but bottled out which left me feeling worse. One of my fears is it going wrong, the slow painful death alone in a forrest. People lable people who commit suicide as cowards or victims but I don't think that, I see them as the bravest among us because death is terrifying but they still find the strength to cross over to the other side. I hope I can find that inner strength and courage when the moment comes.

So there it is. Thank you for reading. I did'nt write it for people to leave sympathetic comments although all human warmth is welcome, I just needed to get it off my chest, to let my words flow out somewhere.

I hope you all find the inner peace you are looking for.
Ben

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Ben,
I know it is tough loosing your other half. Somtimes it is just ment to be. I have had several relations where I was ready to ask them if they would marry me. Then wham I find out they are cheating on me. I only had one GF who didn't cheat. She was honest with me and told me she missed her last boyfriend and she was going back to Oklahoma.
I will never forget her. She was a definite one of a kind. Her ex is Native American and she lived in a teepee with him. They lived the old ways of his tribe.
You will probably always have feelings for your ex because she is her daughters mom. I still feel that way about my ex because she gave me my daughter. So what she doesn't love me because I wasn't there for her when she needed me. They moved to upstate New York and I was stuck here in Florida because of the job situations. Up there I could only find seasonal work. That wasn't getting me anywhere. So I made the choice to stay behind where I had a full time job. Take Care and don't be so hard on yourself!!~Joseph~

 

[andyc68]

As Joseph said somethings are meant to be, you realise what went wrong so you know not to make the same mistakes again.
your life isnt over, you still have a daughter to love, chances of making things work next time.
go to citizens advice about the house, your landlord has to give you atleast a months notice before u leave.

dont give up on life, theres more out there for you to do

 

[Oak]

Ben you have all the wrong reasons to end it and all the good ones to go on.
We, by nature take for granted who and what we have (who doesnt) and forget how easy it can be to loose it all in a split second. You are lucky that you still have your soon to be ex's love and affection and those of your child.
Things dont have to go the way you say it dear. You can still have contact as you wish to with your child since your ex will remain a friend. You can write to your child, send her cards or drawings to be of her level of understanding and so will she to you thanks to the mother's good feelings left for you. As time goes she will learn to read and write on her own and will pursue her contacts with you. Who says you cant even visit her? She will grow as any child and will want to see you. Where will you be at then? It is up to you to choose where she will be looking at in her search for you. Will she find a healthy loving father or a brick stone somewhere? I've read your long letter and for me it wasnt easy as i have little concentration skills but i did manage to read it and find you very harsh on yourself. You have been and still are a human being with its strenght and its weakness. Use that strenght in you to pull back the pieces together and to build yourself a future where your family will still be part of even at distance.

Remember that she still has good feelings for you and that you have remorse for the breakup, do not do anything to hurt her a second time as this hurting by taking your own life will haunt her for the rest of her life dear. Enough hurting has taken place as it is, see into what can be saved.

I hope you reconsider this whole thing and agree that you still have every reason to look up and see a future for yourself.

You have my best wishes
Granny xx

 

[LostSpirit]

Hi Ben

sorry to hear about you story, i can relate to parts of it, and the only reason i am still here is because of my beautiful daughter, honestly i think you are just going thru a bad patch, like you said 3 months ago you had it all, now you feel as if you have nothing, of course you are going to feel depressed about it, but the reason you have not been able to go thru with taking your own life befor, is because you still have that doubt in your mind- which means its something you dont really want to do, and you should'nt, i know how hard it is, to let go of the one you love, whenever we split up with someone we always blame ourself wishing thing's where different, but i believe and always will, thing's happen for a reason, and you obviously were not meant to be, but you got a daughter out of it, so she should be your main concern now, having to see your wife must still hurt, it did when my ex used to pick my lil girl up, but after a time, that fads, cherish the memory's you created, but don't let it hold you back

i send you strength and courage to get thru this bad period

if you ever need to talk PM me

take care my friend

Lost

x

 

[Rangoon]

Thank you all for taking the time to sit down and read my story and then to write such insightful replies, I appreciate it,genuinely.

I know what you mean when you say things will improve with time, in my calmer more rational moments i believe the same thing because I've broken up with past partners and everything has returned to normal. The difference here is that I'm filled with deep regret and shame about my behaviour, what gave me the right to be so calous at times to another human? It's this as much as the break up itself that really stings. I've always thought of myself as being warm and kind to people, but in these early hours of the morning when I'm awake and look inside myself I realise that I'm not as gentle as I like to believe.

I'm probably feeling sorry for myself, and thinking how unfair life is and I don't wish to feel this way but it's hard at this time.

Once again, thanks to each of you who replied, especially when you have your own issues to deal with. Comforting words really help at this time : )

Ben

 

[Panther]

hey, whilst I certainly cannot claim to be an expert on what you are going through, I hope you come through this. And maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself - by what you are saying I'm sure there are many good things you did within the marriage. Not every relationship survives, and people do make mistakes, although I am not trying to minimize your pain.

Stay strong.

 

[Sadeyes]

I hope you find a way to forgive yourself, and when the time is right, allow yourself to feel loveable again...big hugs, J

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes after traumatic events people are not able to see a bright future. Instead of planning to end your life why not consider living it out longer, who knows you might meet someone who saves you and brings back the joys and happiness of life.

 

[Rangoon]

Thanks Panther, Sadeyes and Mystic Eyes!

I know that I'm probably being hyper self critical and blaming myself for everything, even things that were perhaps not my fault entirely but how to stop it? I'm sinking under the pressure of everything somewhat. I need to find a way to move on as I'm constantly thinking of ways to 'win' my wife back, but I need to move on and accept that it is totally over as she has stated so many times. It's hard. Maybe I just need time to get over it, but what if I never do?

Take it easy.
ben

 

[Acy]

Maybe I just need time to get over it, but what if I never do?

Heya,

That's part of it, needing some time. And I'm sure you can and will get through it, even though it hurts so much right now. (I've been there, and I made it through. So just hold on, 'cos it does get better!) :hug:

 

[Random]

It's hard. Maybe I just need time to get over it, but what if I never do?

I don't think it would be fair of me to lie to you and tell you that you'll ever completely get over it but these things do get easier with time.

First of all, as much as it's great that you're so concerned about your wife, you're doing so completely at your own expense.

I can tell you this much. If she was as devastated as you are, she would not have a new partner. Your feelings for her, while admirable and understandable, are blinding you to the reality. She is concerned with herself and you should be concerned with yourself as well.

It will be tricky because of the child. I would definitely advise you to try to stay in your child's life.

You will not help anyone by killing yourself in this situation. The grief will ease up with time. But you have to be willing to give it that time. You don't have anything to loose by pressing on and possibly a lot more than you realize if you don't.