I cannot live like this anymore :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by arkantos, Jan 1, 2014.

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  1. arkantos

    arkantos New Member

    Hi guys, I am thinking of suicide. I want to live, but not like this :(. I do have family and girlfriend, that is why it breaks my heart even more.

    So, here it goes:
    5 years ago a cystic pimple formed on one side of my nose, it left me with hypertrophic (raised) scar. It did not bother me very much, until 3 years ago. I decided to get rid of it, so I went to dermatologist, and she said that it cannot be removed by anything, maybe except microdermabrasion. I listened to her, had microdermabrasion done, but nurse did a mistake and left me with another raised scar, it is connected to cystic acne scar. I went through so much depression due to that (3 years ago), I was very suicidal. Then things changed,I gained self confidence, met my girlfriend, and got over that. Then, 5 months ago we decided to go to capital city for work. I decided to get rid of the scar once again, because I was finally making money. On other side of nose another cystic pimple formed that left me with another raised scar. Week after that area under pimple swelled up,I use antibiotic cream on it, and it has been somewhat reduced. I used Kelo cote silicone gel on both scars, and it made them worse, both scars raised, and widened (even on places where there was no scar).
    Now, 1 week ago I decided to use castor oil on my old scar, I have been massaging it, it has both improved it and worsened it (made it little bit wider). Due to that I decided to massage it with cotton ball/qtip (that happened yesterday), I have not pushed very much, just little bit. After massage, the scar became white, then it turned red, became swollen, and lower half of scar formed a lighter scab.
    Now, it is about 22 hours after that, scar is still bigger than it was before, it does not hurt to touch, is slightly white, there is still scab, and it is both wider and more raised. This is absolutely killing me.

    Everything I do to fix my scar, I only make it worse. This is just too much for me to handle. Dermatologists I visited said that it cannot be fixed :(, due to it's location - nose. Scar revision is not an option, etc. I cannot live with this scar, and especially not now since it is even worse.

    I would kill myself, but what breaks my heart is what would happen to my girlfriend :(, I love her very much and cannot imagine being without her. But then again I cannot imagine being with myself, in this scarred body :(. What should I do?:(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is all kinds of creams hun that cover scars that are amazing and you do not even know it is there ask someone at pharmacy ok or cosmetic counter it is amazing they can cover burns ect
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