I have only been awake for one hour and already it feels like I should be at the end of the day. To make things worse I have only thought about ways to kill myself all morning long. Whetit be by gunshot, hanging, or train. I have only thought about dying. I think I was triggered by Z's phone call last night. Her message... well it gave me hope... it also felt like she was just going through the motions. Made me think that will probably be the way things will be for the rest of my life. I will eventually lose her and I will give up my roommate. Then there will He no one. Then I will fall to a darker place then this one. I can barely see any hope... I think I see a very dim light of hope. Then I see the sun that is suicide. I wonder why I have not gone into this sun yet.