I cannot Stop Thinking About Suicide

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Forgotten_Man, Jul 15, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I have only been awake for one hour and already it feels like I should be at the end of the day. To make things worse I have only thought about ways to kill myself all morning long. Whetit be by gunshot, hanging, or train. I have only thought about dying. I think I was triggered by Z's phone call last night. Her message... well it gave me hope... it also felt like she was just going through the motions. Made me think that will probably be the way things will be for the rest of my life. I will eventually lose her and I will give up my roommate. Then there will He no one. Then I will fall to a darker place then this one.

    I can barely see any hope... I think I see a very dim light of hope. Then I see the sun that is suicide. I wonder why I have not gone into this sun yet.
     
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I am praying for you!!!! I hope you do too. I sent you a PM too. You know Z may be sincere. You dont know for sure. try to just let things infold andsee whaty happenes. PLEASE DONT THINK ABOUT HURTING YOURSELF You are a GREAT guy and it breaks my heart to see you this way.PLEASE

    Marty
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think that thinking about hurting myself is the only thing keeping me going. Been thinking about the trigger I had a couple of weeks ago a lot and how it is one way I might die.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I understand exactly what you're saying FM....
    I have to focus just on the moment and not look too far ahead or I see the same thing as you...
    maybe just focus on one day at a time and see how it goes...
    I would miss you...
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    It is hard to focus on one day at a time. Especially when I have no motivation. :( I wish I could find the strength I need to do stuff. There is so much I want to do... however I cannot do it from lack of motivation.
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Wow you post speaks to me on so many levels. Death is not the light! Life is and the fact that you chose the sun for that false light is fitting. Your spirit is being attacked, so it is no wonder you are suffering. How are you doing physically? When is the last time you ate, showered, and been active? Get some fresh air and enjoy your surroundings found outside you door. Sometimes being inside starts to feel like a prison. Hope this helps.:hug:
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I would personally force myself to go outside, and to sit and breath in fresh air. Allow the wind to blow the stink off so to speak. Motivation starts with drive, and you are the driver. So start your engine and get moving! You'll feel better once you do, just stop focusing on the negative lies of suicide and focus on what you want from life. This should help. Pm me if you like. :)
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Daphna: Well to answer your questions the last time I ate and showered was this morning. The last time I was active was last night, played DDR, went to yoga, and went on a couple mile walk.

    I know the feeling of being couped up inside, feeling like a prison. However, I find that I have no where I want to go. I think I should go somewhere. However, I cannot think of a place to go. So I just stay in my prison to protect myself from the sun.
     
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So today is a rare instance where I worked for a good couple of hours non-stop. I sit back to take a little break and all the thoughts come flowing back. I just cannot make them stop unless I am stressed out. :cry:
     
  10. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    At least you have some hope left. That's always a good thing to hear. I had typed more but it was mostly about me identifying with how you're feeling and what you're thinking. I don't want to make you more depressed.
     
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry if I had some kind of triggering effect on you. I always seek others thoughts, You do not need to worry about me being any more or less depressed.
     
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am right there with you and the lack of motivation...someone told me to go easy on myself so I am going to say the same to you...this is an illness we deal with ya know..that being said I believe you said before that you don't like excuses and such..or something along that line soo.

    As I see it you have two choices..go easy on YOU and give yourself some well-deserved credit for going at if for a few hours-that is more than I did today!

    Or you can keep going at it rather manically so as to feel good about doing something and also to keep the thoughts away and your mind occupied.

    Now I don't advocate this as an everyday thing but I certainly have "hidden" in various activities so my mind did not just sit there and wander off to not so good places.

    Either way I am glad you came and posted as it is a healthy choice in my mind...part getting support, part distraction etc .its all good.
    If there is anything I can do for you please let me know..
    Love and hugs Bambi
     
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Bambi: :hug: Thanks hun, indeed I have done a lot more work than I normally do. Still hard to give yourself credit when you have not fixed the problem.

    I wonder how much longer I can go at this. My batteries are pretty low as it stands. I just do not understand why I cannot feel accomplished.
     
  14. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I almost said it and now wish I had you have high standards..I have noticed that before about you..so you see you do X amount of work and have a hard time giving yourself credit as it FEELS like you should be doing more when in reality you have done more than the majority would do.. so you see I am going to advocate going EASY on YOU and learn the phrase I a still struggle to keep perspective on and that is "good enough" sounds foreign to your ears i bet and a bit like slacking off but you see that is because you have such high standards and actually boundaries for yourself that are too tough..to test this theory what would you say to me if I did as you have done?

    See when you have high standards the feeling of accomplishment is more allusive..I was honestly gonna say this in my first post but didn't ..wish I had as maybe you would believe it more...

    Love ya.. B
     
  15. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Bambi: Do not feel too bad hun. My company has very high expectations of me. So I have very high expectations of myself. Especially since I am kind of... bi-polar with my productivity. Some days I do a lot and other days I do very little. Yes the phrase good enough is kind of foreign to my ears. I Only use that phrase when I am running behind.

    :) do not feel bad for not mentioning this earlier. Sometimes we just think about the context more than saying everything that needs to be said. Any pointers on How I can be easier on myself?
     
  16. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I have to give myself rewards, such as computer game time, bath, buy something as a way of telling my self good job..it is hard and at first I had to force myself to do it..it felt very funny and a bit "wrong" but my therapist rode me about it pretty hard and I figured if they thought it that important I had better stick with it..so I did and now it is much easier..hard because sometimes my vegetation time, do nothing time is the same activities I give myself as a reward but the point it I keep at it...
     
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :lol!: Well I do spend a lot ofmoney on myself. However, those things are Morris just need to go out and big something. So not really rewards. My rewards tend to be really expensive too... like a new sound card and Finale for composition.

    I think I understand, I recently bought a shirt as a reward for losing weight though.
     
  18. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    No triggering Forgotten Man, just my life and everyday thoughts.
     
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ok, well like I said I am always open to others thoughts.
     
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