I cannot take this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Jun 7, 2007.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to make it.....and I've got no one I trust.

    A week ago today...........my therapist sent me a certified letter abrupting ending therapy.....WITHOUT ANY PRIOR NOTICE SHE'D DO THIS TO ME.

    I told her in a phone message:

    "I have no concrete answers to why, only uninformed guesses. And it seems to me that your recommendation to end our therapeutic relationship is based on a miscommunication.

    You previously sent me a certified letter about my request for copies of my treatment plans. In it, you said “Since you asked for these treatment authorization request records while taking a “break” from therapy, and you did not specify reasons for wanting them, I request that you make an appointment to discuss any questions or review any information you may deem incorrect.”

    I ask, would you please extend me the same courtesy and make an appointment with me in order to discuss your thoughts? We have been talking via phone and via letters and as you know, we often can have miscommunications when using these methods.

    I have no idea why you have the opinion we should end this therapeutic relationship; your letter contained no reason.

    First, there may be a serious miscommunication surrounding my health insurance company. If there is an insurance issue, I am 100% willing to avoid the insurance issue altogether and not even involve them in the process and will have just 2 or 3 1-hour sessions per month and will pay you the full $90.00 for each.

    Second, I have been able to normalize my attachment to you in some ways. I have been working with an online therapy community and of the 31 people asked in our group, 23 of them of them have said they have felt an attachment to their therapist that caused them anxiety. But it shows me it isn’t bad or abnormal and I can lessen my own anxiety surrounding it. There may be also a miscommunication about my attachment to you in the questions I gave to you.

    Third, I am willing to do medication. I have been 100% against this before and it has not given you much to work with. But I give you my word, on the innocence of my inner child, I will do medications.

    Fourth, I have been working on a list of our accomplishments, my changes, and the ways you have helped me. These were all done last week, well before your letter arrived. The thing that comes to the forefront is over the three years we have laid out quite a few of the logical reasons for all the traumas in my life and why I have reacted in certain ways and why others have reacted in certain ways. We have laid out a lot. And there are other accomplishments. And I have been reading a book describing the language our emotions use, so that I can have begun to bring the logic I have about my life events and transfer them into a language my emotions can grasp.

    Lastly, we have been together for 3 years. And to have it end with a form letter is very confusing. I have had other relationships end is such cryptic ways. I am conflicted about bringing this up but, you remember how I was taken out of "Mrs. X's" class: With a form letter on my desk. And I have been reading excerpts from a book called “Talking with Patients” by Sanford Shapiro. It talks about how what we are going through in our therapeutic relationship being an opportunity. I wish I could share the writing with you.

    Please "Judy". Call me. Allow us to continue this therapeutic relationship. I will go without insurance at all and I will take medication, I promise, on the innocence of my inner child. Please call. Any time. Any time"

    I am alone, literally, and literally have no one nearby that I can even talk to in person anymore. No one I can hug about this new trauma. No one who I can cry with about this new trauma.

    The therapist I just left, referred me to a new therapist. I saw the new one once earlier this week.....but I cannot trust her enough because the therapist I just left.....well I opened myself up WIDE to her and made myself so vulnerable and I fear opening myself up will only get me hurt again...

    So while I need someone.....i fear opening myself will just get me horribly hurt again......

    And this abandonment is the worst, because I started in therapy to resolve abandonment and pain JUST like this......and it happened ALL OVER AGAIN from the person who was supposed to HELP ME work through it......


  2. lost_soul

    lost_soul Staff Alumni

    i feel for you. i felt that i had nobody for a long time. i was doing a search for suicide methods when i found this site. i use it everyday. i'm here when i'm not at work or sleeping. i use this site as a therpist.
    try posting how you feel and what is going on. nobody here will look at you weird or diff. everyone here tries to help each other. stick around and you'll start making friends.trust me on this. there are beautiful ppl here that honestly want to help. myself being one. if you want to talk pm me or you can msn me. info is in my profile.
    ablout f2f hugs and stuff that can be a problem:( but ppl here will try to help you through your problems.
    and :welcome: to the forum. sorry it has to be in the state you are in. we can and will help you any way i can.
    hang in there
  3. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    First of all :welcome: to SF. I just wanted to let you know that you can talk to me anytime. I know how you must feel like. I also have abandonment issues and I do some crazy things when I feel abandoned. I think the best thing to do now is to keep going to the new therapist. You will start trusting her when you are ready. If you need/want to talk about anything, please PM me. :hug:
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I cannot believe a therapist could be so cruel as to end your therapeutic relationship without explanation or preparation :eek:hmy: I am totally disgusted:mad:
    Have you thought of reporting this breach of trust and flagrant disregard for the therapeutic process?
  5. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    well....we were "officially" on a break. the break was just about to end...and I was discussing with her a couple weeks prior about making a return session.

    for like 2 minutes i considered making a formal complaint......but we have been so close for 3 years and she has cared about me so much....that i couldn't do that to her.

    ......i asked myself: how can someone change to abruptly in one day? she changed from giving, caring and so always ready to be there (and she knew I was afraid of being abandoned and often said "I'm not going anywhere")...and she changed abruptly into a therapist who barely wanted to talk to me.

    I ended up in the hospital the night i got the letter, because I was suicidal. and the doctors told me to call her when I got discharged and I didn't really quite want to....sort of "afraid" she'd think I got myself put in the hospital to get her back. she did call me back and it was on a friday, as she was leaving for the weekend, she said she was in the parking lot. so she wasn't really "ready" or "present" when she talked to me. and she basically said she wasn't helping me anymore and asked her about the "I'm not going anywhere" which she said so many times....and she said she wasn't going anywhere...but I said "yes you are, you are leaving me." she didn't have much to say. I tried to keep getting her to allow me to have a session to discuss things, face to face, because she never ever let me know this was going to happen. And she never even once got my input about it. But she kept saying "I'm not going to argue with you". (To me it was not arguing, but pleading for air). But thus far she hasn't budged on not allowing me even a closure session.

    This all happened a week ago tonight and Friday. I got the notice Thursday and she return my call Friday afternoon (after I got out of the hospital - i called the Crisis Hotline last Thursday night and two cops came to my door 1/2 hour later and handcuffed me and put me in the car and took me to the hospital. They handcuffed because they said it was protocol, not because I did anything wrong).

    Right now I am sort of working with the new Therapist to see if I can get some closure sessions with her. I am willing to honor my old therapist's decision (even if I 100% don't agree with it), but I would so much like to get closure. We had a completely beautiful relationship all three years, completely. So this abrupt change has been confusing and agonizing.

    Because of the prior relationship that was only beautiful, I asked myself how could someone change overnight? And I guess I realized: people don't change overnight. So she does still care. So, I'm sure she knew it would hurt like hell to do this....so i'm guessing she really thought it was the best decision.

    So.........i have no intention of taking any formal complaint against her.

    I would love to resume work with her completely, but I fear that won't happen, and doesn't seem realisitic. But seems reasonable to continue to request, however, is a couple closure sessions (1 to break the tension and a 2nd to say goodbye and acknowledge what we have accomplished and give her thanks for caring for me). I'm not sure that will happen. but it might. s many have told me to forget about it and move on.

    but a core part of why i went to therapy in the first place is because of horrible loses like this, because of being abandoned so many times that I didn't want to open myself up again and make myself vulnerable. the thing is...i felt so very much safe with my therapist that I made myself more vulnerable than I ever did at any time in my life.....which is why i got so burned this time....because I was more open than ever before.

    i don't know if I ever will get closure....dying seems like an option because ever morning I wake up....it hits me again, just as though I were discovering she abandoned me again anew.
  6. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have no frame of reference for this pain.

    all the other traumas in my life has the "luxury" of having a built-in support system by living at home with family....

    ....but now that I'm 2000+ miles away and have no relationships.....to have my therapist abruptly cut me of....without any warning, without any preparation, without even any prior sign that it was coming.........

    .....well, i am in pure agony.....

    ...i dreamt last night that everything was back to normal that I was in her office and she was listening to me like always. but then i woke up and realized the truth again...and everything in me moved to panic attack mode.

    i was shaking, aching, heart racing and mind spinning.

    every day is like a panic attack.

    it feels like the only real way to end this pain is suicide.
  7. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I can hear in your words how torn up you are over this. I'd give the new therapist a chance. I also think having a "good-bye" session with the old therapist sounds like a good idea. Maybe she could explain why she decided not to see you anymore. I think knowing her reasons might give you some closure. Try not to dwell on the negative feelings. They have a way of feeding on themselves. Please be safe. :hug:
  8. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i haven't heard yet that she is going to allow that....i'm working with the new therapist to try to get some face-to-face closure sessions. I hope for at least 2 sessions, one to break the tension and one to say goodbye.

    When I talked to my old therapist on the phone last friday, to ask her why, she wasn't really 'present' for me in talking. i'm not sure about that but she made the call on her way out for the weekend, from the parking lot. and it was sort of a tense phone call, in my eyes.....so i'm not sure the therapist wants to allow me closure sessions.

    i asked her about it then, but she said no.
  9. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    Maybe the new therapist could act as a go-between with the old one. I mean just to find out why she did this. Do you think that might help?
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm not sure where to start here. i also have abondonment issues after all i was abandoned at birth and many times sinse then. i have found that in life we may not always get the closure in the form that we seek. i am not sure if you sent her all that you have written out here especially in your first post but maybe you should. if you get no response don't be suprised it does sound to me like this is a done deal. try to find a way to make closure for yourself. if it's not writing to her then just write all this out on paper and bury it in the backyard or burn it or something to that extent. this way it is out of your system and won't act as a stumbling block.

    i had the same therapist for two years. when suddenly her position was discontinued. (she wasn't fired) i really was dreading having to go to someone new and feel like i was starting all over. because i am a part of the system i ended up going thru three therapists before i finally got the one i have now. i must say this one is probably the best one i have ever had and i have had a couple of good ones. be open with your new therapist but maybe take things slow. you kind of grow into the new relationship. it very well could be the best thing to ever of happened to you.

    in the meantime, please feel more than free to continue to come here and share with us and we will totally support you. please take care of yourself and stay safe. we would like to continue to see u around.
  11. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    that is what is sort of happening now....but i'm just in agony now.

    i feel like i'm having a perpetual panic attack.

    I did write up a couple letters and sent them to my old therapist. she hasn't read them yet, because she is out of town until Monday. The new therapist new about the first letter, but the second letter was sort of a panic induced send for me. All the letter are pretty thoughtfully written out and i tried to keep myself as much "under control" as I could. I hope being the professional therapist, she can sort of see why I need to write these letters to her and it would be thought of as pushing her and trying to pressure her.

    This is what I wrote in the second one I sent:

    i left some names it in, but they are just first names, so I didn't think it would matter.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2007
  12. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    is there anyone in the world?
  13. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Yes i am here.i dont think i'll be much use but i am here and want you to know ive heard and read.i feel for your situation and have similar issues myself.i hope writing it out helps to make you feel better and hope you will continue to receive support here and that it benefits you.Take care.kath
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