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I cannot take this noise

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by visions of the past, Sep 17, 2009.

  1. I have thoughts, like everyone else on this forum, about harming myself. I have two plans. TWO! 1.) < Mod Edit - Methods > , and relieving me of the weight it carries. 2.) < Mod Edit - Methods > for the same reason. What is stopping me? As a child I pranced around in my sister's and mother's clothing. This developed my sexual confusion. I developed sexually at the age of around 10. I have always looked for a way to find sexual release and never have I found it until I was 18. All of those urges pent up inside for 8 years drove me insane. Of course there was only one solution to that, which was excessively masturbate. I developed an acne problem in the 6th grade and I still break out to this day. Nobody starts conversations with me. Nobody has ever started conversations with me. It has always been me, reluctantly, that has to come up with a starter, which in turn ensues awkward silence, which leaves me with my thoughts about the person I am with. I cannot even feel. Feeling for someone else has been lost. There is no love out there for me. No words penetrate, no actions glue me back together. Nothing. The only thought that keeps me from not stepping over the ledge is my parents and how much it would devastate them. But why would I care after I am gone? Is that so selfish? That I want to end my life because of the shame I feel whenever I am around them. Of the guilt I feel for acting so condescending towards people. I feel like s**t. Complete s**t. Study, work, get a degree, go to school, get good grades, get that job that will make you miserable for the rest of your life, start a family that you cannot even see on the horizon. I don't see myself living past the age of 25. Especially in today's society, where the children that get cell phones when they are 8 are running around texting each other. Made me laugh when I heard about that man slapping or smacking the baby in Wal-Mart because of the babies crying. I thought to myself, "he is taking action for what I would be thinking at that given moment." How these paranoid thoughts cave on me. I feel lifeless and numb. I care too much about what other people think about me. I care too much. I am too nice of a person to the point that I feel like I am being taken advantage of. People I used to hangout with and have come to know as my friends only call me when they are looking for some weed. GOD! THAT MAKES ME FURIOUS! Why call me if you are only going to ask for me to get you something perishable that makes YOU feel good. I only miss one person from my hometown. I can honestly say that I will love her until the day I die. She was the only one that cried when I told her I was moving and I feel like a jack*** because I could not give back any emotion. Oh how I want to give so much back to my parents. How I want to make a name for myself, hit the lotto, anything to show them that I am sorry. I want to seek revenge on the black boy that jumped me for no apparent reason. For the drugged out a**hole that called the shots. How it angers me every time I play that night over and over again in my thoughts. How I want to go back and curse every single one of the people that showed insensitivity towards me because I was 'strange', skinny, had a big head (literally). Now I feel like s**t because I have stressed out and over thought about every single aspect of me to the point of where I loathe myself. So much more I could type, but my mind is just not functioning. My brain is on fire. My head feels like 100 pounds on my bony shoulders. I want to release that...all it takes is one step.

    Re-reading this I just want to slap myself in the face. Maybe I will finally wake up from this dream.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2009
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would hope you could take this to your therapist and get help for all those thougths going through your brain. There may be a medication that can help decrease all this rambling in your brain. Talk with therapist okay so you can reach some kind of peace in your brain so you can decrease that noise
  3. I just started therapy last week, but am scared to take medication. I have always thought that I could fix things on my own account, without the aide of an outside source. But every day that I work or go to class, it is the same, sometimes worse. Thank you. I had the choice to go to therapy when this began, but I was stubborn, like Polacks should be haha, and didn't go. I wanted to solve it on my own but now I see that it is okay to ask for help in times of crisis. I was blind to that.
  4. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    I was just like you, hoping I could do it on my own, and I'd do fine for a spell and then I'd crash and relapse. I've had the multitude of thoughts which wouldn't go away or they'd all descend upon me at once.

    Really, try finding the right medication and then a therapist to give you and outlet to your feelings. I was afraid of the meds too for a long time because I had a bad reaction to a few. I finally found a psychiatrist who took me serious and he let me rage on about how I hated the meds. I agreed to try them and he took my calls for like a week as I voiced every concern and fear I had. I had been on so many meds there were only two left I hadn't been on. Fortunately, I'm doing great.

    I'm a stubborn control freak, but even I had to admit I needed help and not all of the medications are bad. It's a matter of finding the right ones and the right combinations. Having a good psychiatrist will help this.