In January of 2009 I had my first grand mal seizure while at work. No one knows this, but I did it on purpose. I overdosed in hopes of making my soulmate realize how much he was hurting me. He still doesnt care. And I continue to hurt. I still have seizures, gained 50 pounds, lost my job, and dropped out of school. Im only awake for about 5-10 hours a day, not because I want to be, but Im always so tired. I have no energy or motivation for anything, no matter how much I sleep, it is just getting worse everyday. I have nightmares, heart palpitations, and migraines, my short and long term memory is destroyed. I have so many things wrong with me since I made the decision to swallow those pills. I cant afford to get the help I need to get my life back on track. I so desperately need a normal family doctor and psychologist, not just some governmant subsidised medical center that treats so many people that they just dont give a damn anymore. No one listens to me, they just throw some antidepressants at me and hope I go away. Im losing hope. I dont know where to turn, or who to ask for help. I have more than just major depression but a disease process as well. I can feel it. I hate myself for what Ive done. What I allowed someone else to do to me. My first attempt was a cry for help. Only I never got it. Just made everything worse. Im so disappointed in myself. I was so healthy before all of this. I try to be positive. I know things can be so much worse. Im smart and want to finish nursing school, be with my soulmate again, raise a family...just be happy. Its been so long, too long. But now all I do is sleep. I just hope one day I can truly wake up, because staying asleep indefinitely is sounding even better and better as the days and nights pass me by.