My grandpa died yesterday. It was expected (a relief, actually). Cancer, nothing they could ever do. I haven't cried over it. I became hysterical over what should have been a completely expected reaction. The guy who treated me like crap for three years continues to treat me like crap. He pays lip service to how much he cares about me, but actions never follow. And now I'm hating myself. Hating myself for not being upset at the death of my grandpa. Being upset at that idiot instead. Being upset at him at all. Thinking he would actually own up to his lip service. Over the past year, I've started using suicide as more and more of an escape fantasy. Sometimes it gets to the point where the only thing that calms me down is thinking about different methods. Today I was crying and screaming so hard I had chest pains, and the only thing that stopped it was ramming the gas (yes, I was driving) and ....well, you can imagine.