I feel, for a long time now, that I runned past the time for my "redemption". I've been depressed, unable to think, I am aphathetic to all things, well, I do care for my cat, a creature that carries the meaning of this life in his love for me. I am men by the way, a very rusty one, a worned before the time one... I am 21, 22 a week from now more or less, but I feel like an insecure child who has to cover himself with the "clothes" of an adult, wich doesn't fit, and everyone knows it... When they can come close enough to see it, wich is not that close.. I am trying to write a story for my life, but I am feeling so forced to try to redeem from my memory and heart, where I should start. I have many things that would be qualified as bad things, tragic events, or just tragic circumstances, but being having a mess of a mind, having Nhilistic tendencies, I almost disqualify them, and can't even have the delight of suffer from them, wich might sound paradoxical. I could say that I am too awkard and actually stupid, or something like that, to have a relationship with anyone. I am a straight male, attractive enough physically, but I feel like I will never have a girl in my life, I shouldn't, not like this, and I don't think I can change. I have actually, almost 2 years now, met someone wich I became more close, but I still had moments of feeling like a decent, almost functional human being. Now I don't have nothing to offer, or if I have I don't care about it enough. I don't believe in relations too, love and shit anymore, at least nothing that I could make last. I think I have damaged my brain from years of bad sleeping habits, stress, anxiety.. I just feel like my head doesn't function, but I don't know if my probable OCD has anything to do with it. I started this summer a part time job I had last one, but I just shouldn't be working, it's too hard, I feel to dumb and detached right now.. I once had a passion for music, I play guitar and in a last effort to revive my passion, I bought a violin last year, but my musical senses have become drastically atrofiated, it's just tortuous to me now to strive to become anything from it, I don't have the skills for it. I am bitter men, angry and moody, wich doesn't even know if he has an heart under my neurotic mind. I can't go for help, I don't even feel qualified to be a patient. I am stuck until I have my ultimate mental breakdown, wich I kinda had this last two days. Help me if you think you can.