i can't be here anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purpleAPY, Sep 10, 2011.

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  1. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    I keep having this horrible freak outs where I don't know what to do with myself or where to go and I'm just fucking confused. Last night I was with some friends and everything was fine... we were walking back to my boyfriend's house to hang out. then all of a sudden when we were halfway there, i decided i didnt want to go anymore. I debated going to this other party that was really far away, but my sister told me I couldn't walk that far by myself. I ended up just going home, and sitting in my house by myself, freaking out and calling my roommates (who were also drunk and didn't give a fuck and didn't want to put up with my bullshit)

    I felt bad and I don't want to live in my house anymore. Mainly because I can't keep acting like this and turning to my roommates when I know they don't want to deal with it. but I always feel the need to turn to them, and when they dont want to help me it makes it worse. i can't keep doing this to them or myself.

    last night I was attacking my boyfriend for not being at my house with me even though I was the one who left the group and came back home... he wasn't even aware that I left until later. i told him that he didn't need to stay with me and it wasn't because I was trying to break up with him or trying to get him to break up with me, but I just felt bad that he's in this relationship with me when I'm so unstable and things are so fucked up. I feel bad that he needs to deal with me all the time.

    I just want to start over... I want to leave everyone I know here and start over completely.

    I thought about calling a hotline last night but I didn't even know what I would have said to anyone, I had no idea what I wanted. I was just so lost and confused, I have no direction or anything. I don't know how to fix this because I don't know what I want.
     
  2. bluewail

    bluewail Well-Known Member

    i know exactly what you mean about not knowing what you want. i feel the same, like you don't even know what would make it better, let alone how to achieve it.

    what i would say, is keep talking to people. even if you think they don't care or if you feel you're imposing on them, it's got to be better than bottling things up. and no matter how they act, i'm sure they're happier knowing what's going on than they would be if you surprised them by freaking out without warning.

    as for your bf, maybe try explaining that you know you can be hard to deal with, but the best thing he can do for you is just be there.

    i don't know the answers. i just hope you can hang on in there, and send hugs
     
  3. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    well its hard right now because the guilt of bringing my problems into other people's lives is making me feel worse, so i feel like while talking to people will prevent me from bottling things up, but at the same time it'll make me feel like shit still... so i guess it won't really help or hurt me.

    i honestly just want to leave everyone i know and start over somewhere else because i feel like i'll just hurt the people i'm with now.

    i told my boyfriend to leave me because i felt bad that he had to deal with this bullshit.

    i want to move out of my house. i want to transfer schools somewhere far away where i won't know anyone i know here. i want to leave my boyfriend. i just want to start over because i cant handle any of this right now.
     
  4. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    You can leave everybody you love, but you cant leave your own skin. Why not trying to work things up so that you can provide yourself with some calmness, with self-soothing? Maybe try to learn some meditation technics, some yoga, grab a good book etc... You could also try to confide the rawest stuff to a diary, and wait some until you cool down to share with somebody. Giving up on people who care about you wont solve anything. Why not trying instead to move in a place where your relationships are healthier?
     
  5. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    there is nowhere i can move in. the only place i could kind of live is at my boyfriend's, but i dont know how i feel about living with him, plus i'd still be paying rent for my room here.

    the worst thing right now is that i talked to one of my roommates and she told me to call a hotline and that she cant do anything for me. i just dont know how to explain to her that she can help in other ways then how like a hotline or something can help me. like i tried to tell her that and she just said that she didnt know how to help me, and i feel like she just doesnt want to be here for me at all and the fact that they dont care makes things so much worse.
     
  6. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    yesterday both my roommates flipped out at me and told me i was being selfish and that they have their own lives, and that asking them for help wasn't fair to them. the things they said were valid, but they did it in such a way that made things so much worse. we ended things weird too, it was pretty much me saying "you guys dont need to do anything, i understand its too much for you to handle" and then them just continuing saying how selfish i am and how theyve already done all this stuff for me last year. it was just really really harsh, and we ended it with me pretty much saying the same thing i had already said a million times, i apologized for bringing it up and told them they didnt need to do anything for me and that i appreciate everything they've done for me up to this point.

    i just feel like they hate me now and i feel like such a shitty horrible selfish person. im at my boyfriend's house and i decided im going to stay here for the week if i can... i think that being at my house is causing me more distress, especially if my roommates all hate me.
     
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well - lets say that your medical issue was a broken leg. You would not be able to walk to the party - and your boyfriend would be aware of the broken leg. Thick as we men might be at times - we do notice things you know!

    Well - a broken leg sure.

    I'm sure your boyfriend would not leave you with a broken leg to hobble about drunk - looking for another party.

    But with depression - its VERY possible your boyfriend might not pick up on the depression. There may be no visible sign - especially if you had a few drinks and maybe have a little 'discussion' with your boyfriend. He will assume he upset you - because men don't know how women's minds really work.

    That said none of us know WHAT someone might be thinking - so we talk to each other and resolve things that way.

    Actually if you have depression - your boyfriend ought to know.

    My biggest concern is that he let you walk off alone. :eek:hmy:

    But I've done that also - (she never had depression) but felt BAD because - you really ought to be escorted home no matter what - so maybe remind him of that courtesy. NO woman likes to be taken out by a man - and left to go home on her own - or be left to wander off to some party.

    It might be your fault in some ways IF your keeping things in. That just makes you feel worse for hiding the secret from someone you love. And even though we have depression - it does not mean we have to hide feeling bad,

    Men don't want women to hide that - it usually gives us an excuse to even admit we might feel bad.

    If a woman I did not know asked me how I was feeling - even if I felt shooting a million bullets into each temple - and Exocet missiles to the brain - to 'make sure' - I'd deny feeling bad - of course! Unless I felt bad for some 'good reason' - losing your job - and other stuff - losing a dog perhaps. Men can talk suicide with football - sure - that kind of level.

    Anyway - thing is to share this with him - and if you think about it - that is what you would have told us if we were in your position.

    NEVER hide depression because it might hurt a loved one.

    'You know the people closest to you in life - draw a circle - label it 'trust' and put names in it.

    If done right - there might be one or more.

    But think of all us here also. Sure - we do not know each other - but look how many girls here have been through what you are going through.

    And older women - well - young at heart women! Most I'm sure will say that - at some point - they will have shared what they feel to someone.

    Maybe you already have and I'm just worrying too much for you.

    And I know its a modern world - and women go out on their own - and generally all is well. But - drinking at night - fantastic though it might be - do stick with company - be it your girl buddies or whatever. And plan the trip home - have the taxi fare - you can phone by mobile phone now - very safe if you use the same cab firm - an accredited one - official - you know the ones.

    Maybe your man needs a little reminder on leaving you alone. That's my only gripe with your boyfriend - and IF he knows you have depression - he won't be leaving you alone anywhere in a hurry.

    He might not know - you tell him - if he is even a little bit nice - he will accept that and maybe say he feels the same way sometimes. Don't think about it too much - get yourself calm! Shower - eat something (never can when in love!) and do see him.

    Report back also.

    We all hope for the best there.

    And of course - we hope you get well - and I'm sure you will.

    I also wonder what your mates think of your boyfriend. This is a 'litmus test' every girl ought to try out. Brother also- we are ruthless - I mean good at spotting bad men! I'm sure he is nice - but always get a second opinion! (and stop at around 50 if all seems well)

    Good luck!

    Just be yourself and you got the odds WELL in your favour on this.

    Its a win - win.

    One win you keep him

    The other you really would not want to keep him IF he is not nice to you when you tell him.

    I say he will be nice. I got faith in a lot of men. Most of us are flawed but useful. We put light-bulbs in - catch creatures that creep! Sometimes we give presents - and mumble something - romance we call it.

    Be careful though - make sure he is checked out by people you know (uni this is easy - no?) and in my book - the opinion of ten women - with respects to ANY man - seals the fate.

    Parents - if alive of course - or if you get on with them - are usually good at detecting a Mr Right.

    I guess if you had real doubts - you could try a truth serum - but that is wrong advice - I'm talking as a brother now - thinking of how I'd help - if a talk never bought the correct answers.

    Tap his iphone?

    Put a tracker on his car?

    I'm not sure what is legal were you are.

    But I'm joking at the latter end of this - as I do think things will be just fine.

    This is advice for my nieces also!!!!!

    Well one is 11 and thinking about boys - she thinks they are 'very rude actually' and 'well they do get boring' lol.

    But not me - she says!

    YES - last one - show your boyfriend to some children - any girl sisters or young relatives? You tell them to annoy him - a lot - and see how he reacts. Fantastic test.

    Other things I'm sure.

    Any tips ladies and gentlemen?

    Fathers out there - what is your plan?

    Confront the young chap? - get verbal? lippy? or prod his chest with your finger - ply him with drink - and accuse him of being a drunk? Or if he refuses - call him impolite - play with his head until he admits what his game is.

    Mums? You got a process - right! - right? - lol - don't even tell me it all. (ok then - if you insist)

    Later.

    Forget any bad advice here!

    I cannot read what I have written - but it looks good and I'm off out on a good note - and hopefully cya later.
     
  8. purpleAPY

    purpleAPY Well-Known Member

    I mean I dont think he would leave me, and if he did it would be me asking him to.

    and he didnt let me walk home alone, we were by my house and i decided to break off from the group (he was ahead of me with other people) and didnt even know i wasnt coming back to his house until he got there and realized i wasn't with everyone else.

    none of this has anything to do with him anyway, i asked him to leave me because i was in such a state of panic and confusion and felt like having him around would just make him have to put up with alot... and we have a mutual friend who is already suicidal and i just feel bad having him put up with me as well.
     
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