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I can't be in a relationship because...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SadBk, Apr 5, 2013.

  1. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Top Ten List (in no particular order): I can’t be in a relationship because…

    1. I’m hung up on my ex. How can I love anyone else? Unfortunately he dumped me during the “honeymoon phase” where everything was wonderful…to me. Obviously it wasn’t so wonderful for him. It felt like we were perfectly compatible in so many ways… one particular way I’d NEVER been compatible with anyone before. No man should have to compete with that. I realize I’m idolizing him, but I don’t know how NOT to. The only thing I can come up with is “he’s not who I thought he was; we didn’t have what I thought we had, or he wouldn’t have left.” And even that is hard for me to believe because I’m sure I somehow drove him away.

    2. I don’t love correctly. A long time ago, a man told me “you’re supposed to grow into people, not onto them.” I dismiss this as untrue when I find someone else like me who also grows onto rather than into, but it never works, so he must be right. I’ve never been able to date casually. I either feel it or I don’t, and I know it quickly. This is wrong. Well, I can’t fathom being with someone I don’t have strong feelings for. I’d rather be alone. …and so I am.

    3. I can’t handle others’ issues/baggage appropriately. I don’t know how to help a man with his struggles. I take everything personally. He will think he’s making me unhappy that I can’t “fix” him when I fail. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. I am not supposed to think this. Yet I always do.

    4. I live in my little bubble. I’ve removed myself from the world; my life is over. I have rules I follow about what I’m allowed and not allowed. How can I explain my reasons? And what do I have to offer anyone if I have no passions and interests and knowledge of current events?

    5. I am extremely jealous. I have to water this tendency down soooooo much because no guy should have to put up with the level of insecurity I have.

    6. I am quasi-suicidal. Relationships are about life, not death. I don’t want to drag someone else down. I think people that do this in an attempt to give themselves a reason to live are being unfair.

    7. I have low self esteem. A lot of the other items on this list tie into this one. I tend to think that just because I don’t go around crying “woe is me,” or laying a pity party on the guy, that my opinion of myself won’t taint a relationship…but despite my efforts, it seeps through anyway and poisons it.

    8. I’m damaging my health with my weird eating and I don’t want to stop. With no proof of the alleged damage, I want to keep doing it until it either makes me truly suffer or until I reach my goal. I can’t give it up without getting something in return.

    9. I will never be able to trust that he means what he says, or that his feelings will last. This is tied into #1. Trust is important in a relationship. It’s not fair to punish a new guy for what happened with the last one.

    10. I may not be able to overcome my sex/intimacy problems. I include this tentatively because I did make some progress here, before. It used to be my #1 flaw and the “may not be able to” was a “can’t.” It’s not really something I can fix on my own, so I don’t know how much of an issue this would be without being in the relationship… rather a catch 22. It would definitely be something that has to be dealt with, and I hate that someone I care about would have to deal with it. It’s not fair and it makes me unworthy of him right from the start.


    Recognizing my flaws and limitations doesn’t fix them. I am an unfit companion. I was fine with this before. I only remembered the bad things about relationships, and it was easy not to want that. Now I’ve been spoiled and there’s no going back. I don’t know how to live without love anymore.

    Do any of you have a similar list for yourselves? I’m curious. Come fly your freak flag with me ~
  2. Jainey

    Jainey Active Member

    I so whole heatedly agree with all the above. Couldn't put it better myself. Am in a deep well at the moment. Was stupid enough to think some one would change. All they have done is put me back to hell. Am losing the plot and find eating a way of being in control and punishing myself. I don't want to see anyone, if I do go out I avoid any contact.

    It's great.........
  3. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Oh God. Yeah, people never change when we expect them to or hope for them to, do they. That sucks.
    Go easy on yourself? *hugs*
  4. Jainey

    Jainey Active Member

    You too. But am sinking fast. Feel so scared and frightened. My body temp is all over the place. My insides feel like they are bubbling, it's rotten...
  5. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    That's pretty scary, hun o_O I would ask if you can go see a doctor but... if you're like me that's the last thing you'd want to do...
  6. moody

    moody Member

    ...because i'm too damaged for a new start, and as we know, a start is starting always with the 0 level. And i'm kind of bored and older to trying to discover things in people. I'm not a big fan of the human race, what can i say, and nothing can surprise me, they always know what to do to keep me away from them. I recently met a girl, she's cute and smart, and she seems interested in me, but i dunno what the heck she see at me. I'm not that special. I didn't want things with her, just conversation. Small talk, you know, that talk when you're talking about anything, from the simply leaf from the street 'till the highest tower from the town. I guess i will reject her because i'm not sure that i want to talk about love and other demons.

    Anyway, if someone is lesbian here, i'm opened to small talk. I'm available.
  7. recurringdream

    recurringdream New Member

    I have a fairly similar list. Unfortunately, I am a major part of the problem.

    1. I am also still hung up on my ex. We had a very VERY tumultuous relationship which began with me cheating on a boyfriend (great way to start, huh?). Of course, this became a theme for us, laying the foundation for a very distrustful union. We were always touch and go, we would be together and then I would have to relocate and the relationship would inevitably fizzle out and he would find someone new and then I would as well. We always came back to one another, we still do. I HAVE a boyfriend now, a fantastically level headed person who I can trust and who bends over backwards to make me happy, however, I have in fact cheated on him with said ex. It's something I have never admitted before, none of this is. The ex struggles with his depression much like I do, we are both somewhat suicidal and I understand this is tremendously unhealthy, but I cannot seem to tear myself away.

    2. I cheat, I have quite a bit except when it came to that one ex in particular. I am an enormously dishonest person, so I have a hefty amount of secrets that I refuse to expose to anyone I'm involved with. I don't know why or how this came to be. I was raised in a household with two loving parents who have an amazingly healthy relationship, but for some reason I have not learned how to be completely honest with myself and others. I'm too much of a coward to expose myself as the philandering person that I am and I understand that it is selfish, unfair and completely inappropriate. This weighs on me constantly and leads me to believe that I am (rightly so) simply unfit and undeserving of love.

    3. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time. Does anyone else seem to find that they are always digging themselves in a hole? I do. I can never express myself appropriately without saying something inappropriate that makes the situation a million times worse than it began. How do I do this? It's difficult to explain, I have no idea what to make of it, but it's definitely alienating and when it happens I become either very sullen or embarrassed and completely shut down. This only makes the situation worse.

    4. I'm also extremely jealous, especially if it's someone I truly care about *cough* ex boyfriend *cough*. It is because of my tendency to be untrue that I naturally assume the other party will be the same. This is not entirely unjustified, that particular person did keep quite a bit from me and did have a few romantic trysts of his own ( never when we were actually together, but certainly when we were "seeing each other"). If I stack the dogs, I am the one who has more to worry about, I believe I was much colder in the way I would end things and this hurts beyond all belief.

    which brings me to my next point

    5. I can be terribly cold and cowardly when it comes to dealing with fights, the other person's issues or breaking off the relationship. I just detach and vanish. It's awful.

    6. I have body dismorphia and self esteem issues. I've always been somewhat "thick", until recently when I lost an unhealthy amount of weight purely out of stress. I understand that I am thin, but now I am constantly striving to get back to my thinnest, which honestly looks a bit awkward and bony (and yet I feel as if I am not thin enough). Anytime I put on 5 or more pounds, I immediately freak out and try to lose it again, once it is gone I eat like crazy and the cycle continues. This creates more self doubt and puts more stress on my relationships because I convince myself that I am never pretty enough to maintain the interest of any one person, which is of course not true. It also prevents me from engaging sexually because I do not want to deal with being seen naked.

    7. I can't trust anything he says either, or that he won't lose interest or find some other major flaw. In addition to being a liar, I'm also seen as unmotivated, which I can be but I do not see myself in this way. I've also been told that I dress inappropriately (also, not really true, I do enjoy a short hemline, but nothing that should be considered inappropriate) my ex used to accuse me of dressing this way to catch the eye of other men, but this was never the case,
    i only really wanted to look my best for him. I can't leave the house without makeup for fear that anyone and everyone will judge me. My vanity is unmatched, but it is vanity out of self scrutinization. If I don't look presentable, I will hide myself one way or the other. I don't really know where this irrational fear comes from, but boy, it sure is there!

    8. I have trouble relating to those around me. What's funny about that is-I'm very empathetic, have lots of friends who know I care about them and would bend over backwards to help, but I still feel like there is a major disconnect. Perhaps it is because I will try to adapt my personality to those around me, perhaps it is because I have recently decided that life is just about meaningless and there is no way to escape that feeling. Even when I am around people I love and care about I am never really present. The moment becomes soured and I immediately wish for some kind of escape only to realize there is no escaping reality. Even the concept of death offers no comfort because even though I will be nowhere, I still feel like that's placing myself in an eternal somewhere. (does anyone feel this way? is that even a coherent thought? I have no idea)

    9. I can't be alone although much of the time that is exactly what I long for and probably need. I've jumped from relationship to relationship (mostly overlapping) to dating to relationship. I'm, constantly involved with someone so much of the time it is difficult to be alone. When the other person wants space, I freak out and immediately jump to conclusions about how that person is trying to avoid me or has a new interest. It's pretty F****ed up. then again, so am I.

    10. I am diagnosed type 2 bi-polar and manically depressed, suicidal, a wildly dramatic hopeless romantic and probably a bit dissociative. I have not actually been diagnosed with dissociative personality disorder, but then again I have never come clean like this to any of my therapists. I feel like a lost cause, a failure, and basically just a horrid individual. I don't know how to amend these feelings, my actions, my past, present or future. I moved to avoid my ex (and to pursue the realm of "healthy relationship" and "changing scenery", but none of this has helped. I just want to leave and go back to my previous relationship, even though I know I should probably take some time to be alone. I'm afraid if I don't take the opportunity to get him back I will lose him forever. I know you are probably thinking "if it's real, it will happen" but as I have mentioned, I am afraid to be alone and it wouldn't be fair to make him wait any longer.

    IN CONCLUSION you should feel pretty good about where your at, you sound like an honest person with love to give and that is key in finding and being in a real relationship. You might feel isolated, but at least it is not because you live a lie. To those of you who have encountered people like me before, I'm sorry. There are no words for how awful it is to live with myself after committing such crimes against love. I'm sure I'll be judged heavily, for which I cannot blame anyone but myself. I don't know if I can deal with this any longer.

    Keep your head up, I'm sure you will find something better. I cannot say the same for myself.
  8. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Moody, I remember you posting and I meant to reply but then obviously failed, 'til a new post brought me back here again... in spite of your bad opinion of yourself I hope you gave this girl a chance. Or WILL give her one, if she's still in the picture. *hugs*
  9. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    recurringdream, your post is way too long to "reply with quote" (plus I'm just lazy)... I guess I'll just babble at you in wall of text fashion... I wonder where you got the inclination to serially cheat if not learned at home in your youth, as psychology would lead us to believe is the root of all evils. But there must be some explanation. Being hurt by a first boyfriend? Somehow being subconsciously attracted to men who eventually bore you? I dunno. At least you're aware of how unhealthy this on-and-off thing is with your ex. But like every addiction, it's hard to overcome :( ...I don't ALWAYS say the wrong things at the wrong time, but I do lack a certain diplomacy that others seem to have naturally. Like the other day, a coworker came into my office, closed the door, sat in my "guest chair", and started crying. I did feel bad for her, she's got a lot of shit going on with no easy answers... but I really didn't know how to react. I never do, she's done this a few times. I do stop working and focus on her, listen to her, that's about it that I would classify as "right." A better person probably would have gone over and given her a hug and told her it would all be okay blah blah. I couldn't. (the hug would've been a little awkward since she was sitting, too)

    (okay I'll break the wall of text a little)

    Jealousy sucks. I don't understand how normal people deal with it. How they don't FEEL it all the time over the slightest of things. I tend to detach in fights too, or I find that I'm unable to control myself and I start sobbing over something relatively minor. Awkward.

    My weight loss started with stress too! The first year's worth was stress, the second year's worth was depression. And now I'm kinda stuck but unwilling to give it up until I at least reach my goal, dangit. Why would I want this all to be for nothing?!

    Heh, you're the opposite of me with the make-up. I've never worn tons, but since age 13 or so I did wear some every day, or at least every day that I left the house. Until last year. And now I "can't" wear it because that would be like I'm saying "I'm trying to look pretty" which my brain rejects as stupid and pointless.

    #8 makes a lot of sense to me. I've never really thought of the death/eternity thing quite like that, but when I stopped feeling I-wish-I-could-kill-myself-right-now suicidal, I suddenly became afraid of whatever comes after death. I adapt my personality too... and I do it so much I don't always know what's me and what's fake. When feeling down I feel apart from everyone, the "not for you" voice kicks in and I'm envious of others and I'm sure they're judging me and finding me lacking... even though logic would tell me they're not. Certainly not perfect strangers who don't give a shit!

    I do believe people should fully get over one relationship before beginning another. If you're always the one doing the leaving of late, though, I can see why you wouldn't need a "getting over it" period... EXCEPT of course for your thing with that one toxic ex!

    I hope I hit on everything I meant to. Thanks for the encouragement. You actually don't sound like a lost cause to me... the fact that you DO feel bad and recognize right from wrong tells me you have hope. You say you don't ever discuss these things in therapy? I would say you're doing yourself a disservice there... if you have a therapist you have a good rapport with, or can commit yourself to FINDING one, I think you should ease your way into these topics so you can learn how to change your behavior. Perhaps that's a pollyanna view on my end, but I do see there's hope for you :) *hugs*
  10. svm299

    svm299 Member

    I genuinely appreciate this post. I struggle with many of the same same things. I think what has helped me is realizing that there are so many people in this world that have these same issues. I believe they just hide them better. Have you tried asking friends and family about their struggle with commitment and relationships? It really helps to get others points of view because it shows were not alone in this. I've found that the times I allowed myself to obsess over my insecurities, I came off substantially worse. Every once in a while I can shake that feeling and tell myself that this is me. I won't let it stop me from believing there is someone out there just right for me. I've found people approach me easier in that mindset. I'm more open in that mindset. It is still incredibly difficult for me to keep that mindset. I believe it takes as many years as we have spent learning our misguided ideas about love and jealousy, to unlearn it. I think I'm getting better. It has taken a counselor and constant focus on what I allow myself to feel and tell myself. This has been a tough road for me and when I thought It wouldn't pay off, it has very little by little. Mind you I have chosen to not pursue any relationships until I feel like I have fixed my insecurity issues. I am very aware that I cannot love someone properly until I love myself. I think this is the same for everyone. If you can begin working on being okay in your own skin then one day you can be a whole piece in your relationship. I hope this helps even just a little. Your not alone in feeling this way so if anything know there are many of us out there.
  11. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    svm299, thank you for your response... I agree that the better a place you are in mentally, the more attractive you are to others. I've seen it's true myself. But put me in a relationship and all the insecurities and jealousy and crap come right back. Even if it IS a good enough relationship that I'm more happy than anxious. That cliche about having to love yourself before you can love others, or others can love you... I believe it's true to some extent. My therapist says it's one of those things that does have some truth to it but is not a hard and fast rule, that there are plenty of people with low self esteem in relationships... like it's just another issue to work on... maybe.

    She did say that she didn't believe I was ready for a relationship now. But that didn't mean "not ever." In my mind, it does. I don't know why I can't think "maybe someday"...the way people with hope think. If you're right about it taking so many years... I may be ready in my 60s... blech.

    Yesterday my therapist said I meet enough of the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, so now at least I can study that and maybe figure some things out in light of my weird brain chemistry. My whole life I've felt like a freak but that I had no reason to be such a fuck-up... like, others could blame abuse, or some kind of trauma... but me? It was all my own doing. I'm only now seeing the role my parents played in everything (another cliche, but... I see its truth) and that there doesn't have to be some significant event or recurring abuse to do psychological damage. I think I'm glad it's too late for me to be a parent!
  12. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Oops...how the heck do I delete a double post? Oh well.
  13. strike

    strike New Member

    I feel exactly the same way. Especially your '#1' point.. I am in that very situation and im broken because of it. I cant cope
  14. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Hi strike... it sucks, doesn't it? It's still true for me, sadly. I wish I could look back on this post and laugh someday... but I won't be able to, because when I've done that in the past, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I can never be that innocent and naive and STUPID again. I refuse to be.
  15. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I can relate a lot to this list, especially 2, 4, 7, 9, and 10. I can't love properly because I was never shown how to love, and I never saw an example of a good relationship. I don't feel I deserve anyone, and I seem to attract people who use me. I tend to "save" the good ones by pushing them away from someone as damaged as I am. I can't get close enough to anyone, I can't trust them, and I can't trust myself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, or that anyone else has to, because it's not easy to deal with. Hopefully we can all find the right people for us someday, the ones who will love us unconditionally and show us that love is not a bad thing, or something to fear.
  16. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    I know that's part of my problem as well, and it's really frustrating because in my head I know what does and does not constitute a good relationship. Our psyches are just way too complicated I guess. Nothing is easy.

    I hope you and everyone else finds someone truly special. I know it's possible for some, because I have seen decent relationships in my lifetime, or at least been told about them. They do exist. Some people actually are happy. Why the rest of us have to just muddle along is beyond me.
  17. insiiideouuut

    insiiideouuut Well-Known Member

    I can relate to most of those. I am simply too mentally unfit to be in a relationship, but...the sad thing is that I'm 24 now and I've never even been in a relationship, not even when I was well. I don't think I ever will be with anyone, because by the time I get better (if I ever do) it will probably be too late.
  18. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Awww hun it won't be "too late" if you're talking about time/age... my great-uncle got married in his 80s! See, that's 60 years from now for you. I can relate to that feeling, though -- when I was 22 I went through a terrible break-up, and I did all this math in my head... "it will take me this long to get over him and then I'll have to be alone for this long until I'm ready to be with someone else and then I'll have to date him for at least this long before we can get married and then be married this long before we can have kids and by then I'll be too old" -- when really, I had no clue what my future held and that you can't plan things out in such timely fashion.

    As for your mental health, well, you know better than I about that. When I say I'm too messed up and no one would love me, my therapist says there are plenty of people out there who DO love people like me and would choose to be in a relationship.... even though it seems completely unfair to them, from my view. Sigh.
  19. insiiideouuut

    insiiideouuut Well-Known Member

    Haha I know. Man do I feel sorry for whoever the hell gets stuck with me.
  20. Unfortunatly to say, is that you need to get over the problems and feelings of your ex, before you can continue on to another relationship. We humans I know do not like to be alone, but sometimes it is for the best that we can give ourselves, is time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship you past had? What were the good times that you shared with each other that made the relationship feel so great that it lingers with you today in your current one? Have you told your current partner that you still have remaining feelings of your ex? If not, have you thought about it? Don't you think it is fair to them?

    What you are going through is a form of bereavement that you have not yet processed in some way, of the loss of your previous romantic interest, and if you do not take the time to process all of the feelings that have been left over, it will interfere with your current relationship, even if you are not aware of it. Subconsciously your mind will begin to develop forms and patterns, and grievances of ideals that you are not currently expressing. To get the full effect and the full benefit of the feeling of this release, it might be considerable that you mention this to a loved one, a friend if you can't face your partner immediately about this matter; keep in mind eventually they too will have to know this. Whether what you want to do with it after or they want to do with this after totally depends on both of you. Keep in mind you can only do 50% and they can do 50% of what makes a 100% effective relationship. Good luck with everything.