I can't be so strong anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, Apr 14, 2011.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I try to do way more helping than asking for help, so this I know is kind of unusual for me.

    I'm getting more agitated and restless every day. Nothing seems to calm me. My father threatened suicide xxxx because he thinks he's responsible for all of our family's problems. My mother said she drinks because of me. I quit therapy because I couldn't stand to talk about myself anymore, it just made me feel more upset and I didn't feel any better after sobbing and screaming. I feel like my psychiatrist betrayed me, he told my parents I was a suicidal crisis, but at the time I wasn't. I don't trust the medication he gives me. I think it's contaminated with nanobugs that eat away at my brain. People are poisoning my food to make me sick. I can't leave it alone for a second. I think everyone's playing mind games with me and I don't know who to trust. There are bugs in my brain that are eating it and it's getting worse by the day. All of my medication is poisoned because the pharmacy is too stupid to check it before they fill it. I can feel those fucking bugs in my brain. There's a group of people who mess with my thoughts. They can rearrange them or stop them. They're everywhere, and they can do anything. They have total control over my body and thoughts. I know they're going to make me do something terrible.

    Edit: Nevermind, I know all of this is bullshit. It's just a feeling that comes over me sometimes. Sorry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2011
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know you know this, because you're smart about these things, but your meds are clearly not working. you're sinking into psychosis. time to see your psychiatrist, ASAP, to get them adjusted. in the meantime don't do anything rash. we'll be here for you. if it gets really bad, remember that you can always go to the ER. they will look after you until you start to feel better.

    i agree, therapy can be hard. sometimes i just come home after therapy and go back to bed for the day. sometimes i can set it all aside until our next session. a good therapist will take it at a pace that doesn't cause you more distress. a good therapist will teach you self-care as you look at some difficult issues. it's totally up to you, but you might want to try again with a different therapist. that is, if you feel there are issues that you still need to resolve.

    take care

  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Fuck him, hiding behind that professional smile, giving me prescriptions for antipsychotics that do nothing except eat my fucking brain. He thinks I don't know he's just working for the drug companies, giving me whatever's the hot seller. Yeah, okay, we'll do that. Then I get it and not only does it make me feel worse, but it slows me down, cognitively and physically. Why should I listen to someone who doesn't even tell you when the medicine can damage you? Are all psychiatrists like that? Do they care?

    Flashes of clarity. Men who only wear black. Blue skies that turn black. Right.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    yes, there are plenty of crap doctors out there. not arguing with you on that point. so, switch doctors if you must, but try and hang on to the fact that nobody is poisoning you, and there are no bugs. it's the disease speaking.

    i have a good site for you to check out, a site that challenges the medical model of mental illness. it's http://theicarusproject.net/ the icarus project. you might like some of the stuff posted over there.
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I...know. It's two worlds. sorry, dazzle. I don't mean to have outbursts. scary stuff. like a ptsd patient, i get triggered and go off. no, no. my doctor is fine, he's incredibly well known in this area. sick...i shouldn't cause trouble. sorry, dazzle. i just...got unlucky tonight.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know what it's like to get triggered. take care of yourself! hope you feel better soon...
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can get some medication that will help you stabilize im sorry you are getting triggered Your family so disruptive to your mind set i hope you can try to get some rest and call your doc soon hugs to you
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    don't know if it was scary for you, but when i was a little child, perhaps nine, to come home and find my father xxxxxxxxxx. not something easy to cope with. My heart goes out to you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2011
  9. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    awww rocket *hug I don't know what I can say please keep safe you are so much stronger than these thoughts.
  10. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hey Rocket.
    I lived with someone who believed insects lived in her skin. I had to tell her they were. When I told her they were not she thought I was part of the conspiracy that the docs and hospital are part of... That was my mum.

    You do need some help... I'm sure you know this. You might need to find someone new though. Trust is hard to have when your like you are.

    Even though we disagree on things, your one of my fave helpers. Your a good person and with some help could live a great life. Fight all you can. Don't give up.
  11. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    It's 6 AM now. I shouldn't be awake this early. But I felt ashamed for what I had done the evening before and had to see the damage I had done to others' perceptions of me. I suppose it was rather stupid to assume I would be shunned out of the forum for it. I admit I still feel embarrassed by my psychotic ramblings, but it's likely a transient feeling. I feel more thankful than anything else.

    As for all the issues I mentioned, I'll bring those up when I'm more awake.

    This is really an incredible forum. I'm blessed to be a part of it.

    Total eclipse.

    Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2011
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member


    You are okay by me. No probs there, okay?

    You talk when you feel ready, but you don't need to feel ashamed, or feel you will be shunned...it's family you are talking too. ...and you don't need to be alone either okay? ugh **tears** sorry, brings my own stuff up.

    more ***hugs***
  13. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Don't be ashamed. I'd much rather someone be honest on here than hide away and pretend. Do this more... Let it out. Wish I could be more like you. I respect it a lot.
  14. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When we externalize 'the monsters' we do want ppl to clarify what is going on...I think that is brave...ppl will perceive you as they need to...there is no truth...therefore, it is best to focus on what you need, and know that ppl continue to care and respect you...and yes, time to visit the pdoc and talk about effective intervention...big hugs, J
  15. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    *hug its ok hon you talk when you are are ready ok I offer you my paw I know you will take it walk a mile with me tell me everything cry on my shoulder if you need too I will listen I will help and after that mile I hope you will feel better and ready to keep walking with me so we can enjoy the journey we will shout we will howl and we will show the world who we are and what we can do AWOOOOOOO!!!.

    you are a part of this pack now and I will not let you feel alone we are all here for you we will all help and we will all listen.
  16. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hi rocket..jeez, who would have thought you had demons...we are all here for a reason, and i would like to think dont judge...i would like to think that no one has silly perceptions of peeps here, its a suicide forum fgs what do peeps expect...we are all here for the same reason...we are suffering so please dont ever feel that you cant vent, cos if you cant, it means i cant, and then what is the point of me joining or anyone else. i flipped last week...calmer now...like you are hopefully...shit happens...we are here to help each other when it does. we will all have wobbles...and some worse than others...but all caused through pain...everyone i am sure is here for you whether you in good place and particularly in bad...so hope you feel a bit better today and accept that no one judges you or will think less of you :hugtackles::poo::cheekkiss
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